To My Love: I’m Afraid

Something has been on my mind a lot lately, but I’m not sure what to do about it. It’s not bad, definitely good, but I’m self-conflicted.

Let me explain.

You are one of the most important people in my life. Up there with my children. Up there with Elizabeth. And we’ve only been “together” for a month. Everything has happened so fast, yet it doesn’t feel like it. It’s like some sort of time warp. In my mind, it feels like we’ve known each other forever – we’re so comfortable with each other, know each other so well – but then again, everything happened so fast. I just, I can’t explain what I mean. Even now as I’m writing it, and that says a lot. (I definitely write better than I talk. Can you see me smirking? Because I definitely am.)

Time warp, though. Definitely. Time flew, but in that same sense, it stands still, and I can’t wrap my head around it.

I know you. I feel you. I’m comfortable with you. You are one of the most wonderful things to happen to me since forever. I regret nothing. The only thing I would ever regret is losing you. Scaring you off.

And that’s why I keep my mouth shut.

That’s why I distract you. That’s why I constantly kiss you. (Well, sort of. There’s also the fact that I just really like to kiss you.) Kissing you keeps my mouth shut. It prevents me from saying something that might scare you away. And that is something that I would regret. I would regret scaring you away from me.

I would never regret telling you. Unless it meant scaring you away. Unless it changed your opinion of me. Unless you felt pressured. Unless, unless, unless.

I would tell you, but I don’t want to lose you. So please, tell me first. Don’t be a scaredy-cat like me; don’t chicken out from your fears like me. Speak your mind and tell me, because that is possibly the only way that I will say it to you.

I don’t want to lose you, so I want you to feel the same way. And every minute of every hour of every day that I’m awake that’s what I’m thinking about.

And it’s always on the tip of my tongue.

So say it, and I guarantee that I’ll say it back.

I love you.

To My Love

Bring your hand up to the mirror slowly. Trace your image. That’s your image. That’s you. It will always be you.

I see your image, I see you, every day.

The smoothness of your jaw, lined with stubble on the days that you don’t shave. (It’s endearing; don’t worry. I like it.) Enhanced by the small, dark-haired beard on your chin beneath your lips. Very plump lips (that I like to kiss).

The lips that know exactly what I need to hear when I need to hear it. You don’t know how much I appreciate that. You blow my mind sometimes with how well you know exactly what I need to hear.

The ears that listen when I ramble about anything and everything. That don’t interrupt me even when I am talking about my Mother (who nobody likes very much) or my stepfather (who nobody likes at all). The ears that wait patiently when I stutter as I try to form a sentence, to try and find a word, or to remember what I was saying. Ears that don’t judge, that form their own opinion. It’s a rarity, it is, to find that.

Eyes that see and not look. Eyes that look past the skin to the soul and see me. Beautiful brown eyes that know no material views, but judge by what’s on the inside. You see me. You know me.

Arms that hold me when I’m scared. That comfort me when something is wrong. That hold me tight and pull me close as we sleep.

Hands that fit into mine. That work hard every night to make a living. That cook, even though they don’t have to. That clean, that change diapers, that does laundry, even though it’s not always yours. That drives me and my children places, though it isn’t your responsibility to do so. That softly caresses. That wipes my tears away.

I could go on and on and on, because I don’t just see what’s visible to everyone. I see you. I see the kindness you show toward me and my children, the patience you have for everything. I see you never stop giving, because people are irreplaceable, whereas things such as toys, music, cars – material objects – are.

I could go on and on, but I won’t, because I have so much more to discover about you, to figure out about you that you have yet to show me. I can’t wait for time to progress to then, because you are one of the most wonderful people that I have ever met and I’m glad that I did. Thank you for coming into my life and wanting to stay – for wanting to stay and so much more.