A Memory

I was eleven.

I was living in a small, one-bedroom house with my mom, stepdad, and two little brothers (ages 4 and 2). It was wintertime. My mother rustled me awake; I slept on the couch. It was a schoolday and I had to get ready. We couldn’t afford school lunches; we could barely afford food. I scavanged and hurriedly grabbed some crackers and cheese and shoved some skittles into my lunchbag. There was nothing for me to take to drink that day.

The school day went by slowly. At Tzouanakis, the school day was longer than most (I don’t know why), so we had a snack before lunch. Of course, we had to bring it ourselves. By the time snacktime came, I was starving. I hadn’t eaten breakfast and was fair to starving, but if I ate anything at all from my lunchbag I wouldn’t have anything for lunch.

I did it anyway and regretted it later.

At Tzouanakis, we had assigned tables where to sit; we didn’t get to choose. That day, I went straight to my seat and just sat down. I had brought a notebook with me to draw in since I didn’t have anything left to eat.

My friends that sat around me asked why I wasn’t eating and I told them; I told them that I ate what I brought for lunch that day at snacktime and that my family didn’t have the money to pay for the school lunches.

I never really figured out how they did it or which of the four sitting at the table with me contributed to it, but somehow they managed to gather up enough money so that I could go and buy a school lunch. Never had I been so embarassed, but at the same time, never had I been [and never will I ever be] so grateful.

Over time I may have forgotten the names associated with the faces, but I remember the feelings associated with the act of kindness given. It helped shaped me into who I am.

I will never forget.

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Something I Regret

Alcohol does funny things to a person. I once had a friend call me at two in the morning wondering where I was and if I could come over because she wanted to poke my nose and kiss me. No, she’s not a lesbian (and neither am I), but she was spectacularly wasted; I could hear her friends laughing in the background, more than likely just as drunk as she was at the time. I think that was the night she had gotten them kicked out of a party because she ate a whole baby watermelon that had been soaked in vodka, and then proceeded to sit down in the kitchen and belt out opera and classical music. Being a vocal performance/opera major, she had the ability to make sure that everyone in the house heard her. And hear her, they did.

But I’m getting off track.

Funny things, it does. I’m lucky that I’ve only blacked out, maybe, two or three times and never actually passed out. Alcohol, I’ve come to figure out, does enhance emotion and loosen muscles along with your inhibitions.

I know this because I’ve experienced it.

There was a time in my life that I’m not so proud of. I had just gained independence finally for the first time in my life. It was true freedom to me. A lot of people would say, “So you turned 18 and moved out?” or maybe the age in the was 21? No, it was neither. I had been living without family since I was 19 years old, but when I was 19 years old, I was pregnant. I was pregnant and I was happy, but I was not happy about who the father was but I didn’t want to admit it. I was afraid of raising the child alone.

And I made the biggest mistake I could have made.

I said yes when he proposed.

Definition of Love

Complex. Romantic. Hard to find. Hard to let go of. Vulnerable. Risk. Selfish. Selfless. Paradox. Everything. Infinite. Passion. Affection. Tenderness. Fight. Make up. Forever. Acceptance. Openness. Freedom. Security. Insecurity. Friendship. Everlasting. Forgiving. LOVE.

To me, love is everything. You can’t find it if you’re looking for it; it’ll find you. Once it grabs ahold of you, good luck ever letting go. Though if it truly is love, I don’t believe that you will want to.

Love is a paradox. You want to keep it to yourself, because it makes you happy. In the same way, you want to share it; you want to make your partner happy – the one with whom you love – because they are the cause of this great happiness inside of you. You would do anything for them.

Love never dies – familial love, first love, true love, none of it. Insecurities may boil up inside of you, but that is what love, a relationship, is about; you talk it out and rule out the assumptions and the insecurities. If your partner truly loves you as you do them, nothing will come between you, and he or she will understand; they will love you for you. He or she will love you despite your faults, your flaws, your past, and despite your insecurites. You will be there for each other through thick and thin. Love is love, no matter what.

It is tender in looks, touches, actions. Love makes you vulnerable in ways you never thought you could be. Love is a risk, but it is a risk worth taking. Every moment of every day spent with your loved one is precious. You cherish it and look back on it, no matter how simple the action.

I don’t say this out of randomness or some fantasy or wish of what I want. This is what I experience. This is what my relationship is like with my fiance.

Like I said previously, I’m getting married next year – summer 2014. My fiance and I are not the perfect couple and we don’t claim to be. We have our ups and downs, but we don’t advertise our relationship to the world. I think that our privacy has a lot to do with it.

We’ve had our little spats, because both of us have a tendency to hold our emotions in when we’re upset and try to avoid confrontation of any kind. We both, also, know each other well enough that we can tell when the other is upset. I normally ask him if something is bothering him, and more often than not, Chris tells me he’s ok. We do end up talking about it after a couple days; then everything is back to normal.

Chris makes me happy. Happier than I’ve been in years, and I don’t know what I’d do without him. Honestly, I think I’m happier with him now and more attracted to him now than when we first started dating last year.

Like I said before, love never dies.

It’s love.