Love Me, Hate Me

I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle.

I’m engaged. I’m supposed to be getting married. It’s a moot point at this point; everybody knows it. I guess I’m a bit smarter than I used to be, though; I asked for a long engagement. When I did that, it was for us to get to know each other, and I believe that we do, but I didn’t want us to end up hating each other in the process.

We’re fighting and I’m not really sure why. All I know is that he failed one of summer classes. He mentioned to me that he failed it because he didn’t have enough time to do his homework. I didn’t know what to say. I was speechless. And then I started apologizing frantically while I tried not to cry.

I’m crying now as I type this.

I don’t want to fight with him and I didn’t want to start anything even more vicious. I could have. I could have told him that if he talked to me more I would know what he needed to finish instead of assuming he was either A) already done, or B) close enough to done to be doing something else.

He never said anything and when he did, it was on the last day and he just shut himself off to the world and got really pissy about everything. Snapping at me: “Leave me alone! If I don’t pass this I can’t get my degree!”

I feel like I’m going through my old relationship again. With my ex. He was abusive. He didn’t listen to me. He just told me to leave him alone and shut himself off from the world unless he wanted something. And that’s not good. I shouldn’t feel this way… especially since I love this man so much I can’t imagine my life without him. It’s something I’ve never felt before.

I could’ve told him when he snapped at me about his failed class that ‘yes, I’m sorry, but I think taking my children to the hospital to be seen since their doctor won’t right now is a bit more important, don’t you?’

I could’ve been a bitch about it. I could’ve retaliated hardcore and started a fight. But I didn’t.

And yes, what started it is that he’s upset over the fact that I want to take my children to the hospital and he doesn’t. He thinks it will take too much time and he won’t have time to do anything. Even his homework. And that he’s going to fail again and not get his degree.

Fine then. If my children end up hospitalized because of his carelessness, because I’m unable to drive, it’s on him. Literally. It’s going to get the ass-chewing of a lifetime. My children are sick and they need medicine and their doctor is an asshole who won’t see them until mid-next week because there’s “more than one to be seen”.

I’ll talk to him when I calm down. I’ll give it a bit longer to let him calm down too. I pointed out that he “looked angry” and that was when he snapped at me. Guess I know him a little too well, eh? Shouldn’t have said anything, I guess.

But I will. I will talk to him. I want to make this work and I’m not going to let him just avoid the issue.

He says we talk, but not half as much anymore. If we did, I’d know what was going on right now and why I feel so distant from him. I hope we work it out.

I love him.

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