I’m… so happy.
I honestly didn’t expect this outcome. I guess it shows I should have a little more faith in the young woman that I have deemed my best friend.
She came over earlier; it was the last day she was going to be in town before heading back out of state for classes at her college. She has a long drive. Anyways, she brought her nephew with her and me, her, and my fiance hung out. Well, more like me and her hung out, my fiance made waffles and jello, and her nephew and my children all played in the living room. It was… different, to say the least.
Then, finally, at one point, she asked me if I was still coming to her wedding. I didn’t have a response. I just asked her if she had talked to her fiance about it. She said she had, and that they had come to a screaming match about it because while he believed me, he also didn’t believe his friend (the guy who date-raped me) could be such a bad guy. I didn’t know what to say. I told her I wanted to be in the wedding, I didn’t want to ruin her wedding, but I couldn’t be around him. I felt like I was raped, completely violated, and just… couldn’t. She countered by saying that we were both equally drunk and if I had given him any signals that I had liked him beforehand, it could’ve been considered consent.
Well, let’s just say the conversation stopped there momentarily.
I went in the kitchen and talked to my fiance. She got called upon by her nephew and had to use the bathroom. When, at one point, my fiance walked out of the kitchen and I stayed behind making a snack for myself, she came in and talked to me; we continued our conversation.
I don’t know where exactly we started out the conversation again – I think we repeated a bit of it – but I did point out a couple things that I’m not sure she knew. Yes, before it happened I considered myself having a developing “crush”, for lack of better term, on him and apparently she mentioned that to him before the “party” got started; it was her very-much belated birthday party with a bunch of friends and we all got shit-faced drunk.
Here’s the thing. I was one of the last people up; so was he. One of the last things I remember is going into the bathroom to take my epilepsy meds that I forgot to take in all the excitement (that I should have taken before I started drinking) and changing into shorts and a t-shirt to sleep in. After that I walked into the bedroom across the hall from the bathroom that my best friend told me I could sleep in, and well, it gets fuzzier and fuzzier from there. Because, y’see, I don’t remember how or when he got into the room in my bed. I know I didn’t invite him. I may have had a “developing crush” but I don’t sleep with someone on the first date, or even before I get to know them. So, seriously?!
I do know, and I’m not proud to say this – I’m actually quite ashamed – that after I laid down on my bed I did try and go to sleep, but he started touching me. I must have been hardcore drunk, and I mean plastered, at the time, because I never would have done what I did otherwise because it was my best friend’s house (and my first time there, nonetheless), but I gave him a blowjob.
But then I just blacked out; I passed out. That’s all I remember, and then I woke up in the morning and…. I’m not going into detail with that, but let’s just say that it was very obvious that something had happened other than just a blowjob and I had not given consent. I’m sure if you put your mind to it, you can imagine a detail or two that would make it obvious.
… Oh, and there’s the fact that he saluted me as he tried to sneak out of the bottom of the bed. I woke up as he was trying to and looked at him. Asshole.
There’s more to it, though. As my former-military fiance has explained to me and, yesterday, to my best friend, if a female passes out and you still have sex with her, that’s automatic rape whether you were about to have sex or not. If she passes out she isn’t able to say yes or no, so it’s considered date-rape. When he was in the military it was imbedded into his head because, apparently, there were some [in his words] “pretty fucked up dudes” in the military with him that would actually wait until a woman was passed out and then have sex with her, just to get off.
I explained all of this to my best friend. I explained everything that happened to me. In detail. I told her how after I lay there, in that bed where it had happened, for at minimum 30 minutes, I got up, gathered my things, and took a hour-long shower. (Which she says she remembers thinking was unusual because I never take showers that long.) She brought up how maybe he didn’t know what he did was wrong because I never brought it up and told him. I looked her straight in the eye and told her that I tried to talk to him multiple times over that weekend and he just turned away from me without saying so much a word and she was witness to it. I asked if she remembered. She did.
She asked me more questions, various questions, to make sure she got the whole story, but there wasn’t much more to tell. I asked her though, and I was crying by this time, if she remembered when I started sleeping with all those men from the bar for a couple of months? She nodded. I told her “after being raped 3 times in a little less than a year and a half I felt that’s all I was good for”.
And then she started crying along with me. She said she never realized and that she was sorry. She told me that she’d confronted him about how he acted like such an asshole after the blowjob and he just said “but we didn’t have sex”, but that she hadn’t mentioned anything else because she only found out a couple of months ago. My best friend said any other time she tried to bring up me around him in a conversation, he would just turn and walk away. That on the ride home from her place [out of state] last year he told everyone how he couldn’t understand how anyone could stand me for more than an hour or two.
I had no comment. I didn’t know what to say. That it’s pretty much an admission of guilt? That it’s completely immature? That he’s just an asshole? I had so many things, so many responses, that I wanted to say, but I didn’t know how so I just kept my mouth shut.
After a good cry and trying to figure out our options, she decided to call her fiance and figure things out once and for all; I told her my main goal was to be as far away from him as possible. I didn’t want to see him, be around him, anything. Our compromise was that he would be taken out of the bridal party and just be invited and made to promise to stay away from me at all costs, even if he wants to talk to somebody near me. (“If I get to pull my Bridezilla card only once during this wedding, this will be it. It is called the Bridal Party.”)
So she called her fiance; I listened to the conversation on her end [with permission, of course]. I was completely blown away by the response her fiance gave her. In fact, actually, so was she. We were prepared for a fight, hence the compromise we had prepared. Because of her fiance we didn’t even need it. He told her that if she would feel the same way [and she told him she would] and that if she felt that strongly about it then he was out. Not even invited.
She understood what I was going through because it had happened to her before. Her fiance listened to her because he loves her. Something happened, something wonderful, and now I can be with my best friend on her wedding day.
I am literally crying right now at the miracle of it all.
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Any questions brought on by this blog-post article might be answered in this blog-post that I wrote shortly after this one. If you have a question that is not answered, feel free to leave a comment and I will answer it to the best of my ability. Thank you.
Post-Note: To Prevent Confusion
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- Friendship Status: Processing (moonbebi.wordpress.com)
- I’d Rather Not (moonbebi.wordpress.com)
- Blinded by Love… or Obsession? (moonbebi.wordpress.com)