[Bad] Dream of a Memory

Do you know anyone that’s ever been abused? Any sort of abused? I do. I have. I was. Many forms, by different people at different times in my life. Most of the time, though, it was on repeat by one person: my stepfather.

For the most part I’ve gotten over it. While my mother is still, unfortunately, married to the man that treated me so badly throughout my childhood and adolescent years (and even now he bad mouths and talks down to me, but I’ve grown more of a back bone and will talk back to him despite fear of retribution), most of my communication with my mother is via telephone as she lives over an hour away and she works over 8 hours a day, every day, every week with the [very] occasional day off; she’s the main “breadwinner” of their household as my stepdad is (surprise-surprise!) a convicted felon & although he could find work at, the very least, a manufacturing plant, he refuses to work anything other than odd jobs that he runs himself.

Therefore, my communication with that entire household is limited.

And my mother.

I love her. I do. I may not always agree with everything she says. I may not agree with everything she does, especially the fact that she’s still with my stepdad, but I love her nonetheless. I will acknowledge her faults, though most of the time not to her face because she won’t most of the time. She confides in me and I, her. We understand each other because of, oddly enough, my stepfather. We have a mutual understanding between us and I’m thankful to her that, although she’s my mother, my Mom, she chose to have me live apart from her.

And that’s where everything comes full circle as to why I’m writing this tonight.

I woke up around three this morning, my eyes wide and in a panic. I knew I was in bed and if it wasn’t for the fact that my husband’s arms were still around me I probably would have screamed.

I dreamt of a memory of days long since past. It was nearly 9 years ago – the winter of 2005 – and I was living with my mother in the home she lives in now. It’s a small, technically one-bedroom, house that at the time housed my Mom & stepdad in what is now a closet; my two younger brothers, who were then 6 & 8 years old in what is now a combined living room/Mom & stepdad’s room; and me, in what is now my youngest brother’s room, that back then was right next to my mother and stepfather’s “room” and only separated by a sheet. There was no privacy whatsoever. It was Hell on Earth.

Normally I wouldn’t be living with them; I abhor my stepfather and nearly always have, but my Grandmother, whom I had been staying with, gave me an ultimatum that pushed me and I took it. I wasn’t going to give up a friendship for her old-fashioned ideals, but that’s a different topic altogether. So I found myself moving 45 minutes away and switching schools in the middle of the fall semester my first year of high school. My mother was happy that I was finally coming to live with her, but she wasn’t happy about the circumstances behind it. Honestly, everything was going well until the last day of school before winter break.

One of my friends, specifically a male friend, asked if he could come over and hang out for a bit after school. I told him I’d ask. I was more than naïve back then, I guess; he purposely left information out to me and I didn’t see the signs. Either way, we both got permission for him to come over and he rode the bus home with me. I’m going to point this out now: I never thought of him as anything more than a friend; he was JUST a friend to me in my mind. Well, apparently everybody else thought otherwise – including him.

He ended up eating dinner with my family because his mom hadn’t picked him up yet. When I asked him why she hadn’t shown up yet, he said that she wouldn’t be there till around 9PM. I was pissed! He never told me that and I knew, at that moment, I was going to get hell from my stepdad as soon as he left.

I was right.

After he left and my brothers were firmly asleep my stepdad started in on me and it just kept coming. I don’t remember everything he said; he asked me so many questions – accusing me of lying when I hadn’t and every time I denied lying he just got angrier.

What I haven’t said yet is that my stepfather is an alcoholic. I know by that time he was drunk for sure, but I couldn’t tell you how long he’d been drinking that day.

Finally, at one point, I was sent to bed. I think it was around 11-11:30 that evening. I was tired. I’d had a long day at school and then I’d been grilled and yelled at and intimidated by my stepfather. Nobody likes that. I fell asleep listening to him yell at my Mom, but the words were a blur to me, even then.

I was woken up again around 1AM, being dragged – literally – out of bed by my arm by my stepfather. He was pissed, and that’s an understatement. I don’t remember what the discussion at that point was about. I was being questioned again about my actions that evening and why I did what and several other co-existing categories. I remember answering something honestly and it must have been the wrong answer, and something that he disliked extremely or considered a “smart-ass remark” because the next thing I knew I was dodging a glass plate being thrown at me. If I hadn’t moved it would have hit my upper left shoulder near my neck. I don’t remember much after that other than crying and being scared.

I moved back to my Grandmother’s within days after that. I don’t think anyone would question why. It was my Mom’s decision to move me back.

The thing is, this is only one of the instances of something abusive happening to me but for some reason it’s the one that pops up the most in my memory, in my dreams; it’s the one that troubles me the most and I don’t understand why.

I was scared then and it scarred me enough mentally and emotionally that it still bothers me to this day, enough to keep me awake at night. The abuse I’ve suffer throughout my life from my stepfather, and inadvertently from my mother, is probably the one thing that I haven’t completely gotten over and I’m not sure that I ever will. I think that’s what scares me.

Now it’s not the terror of being physically dragged away from my bed in the middle of the night by someone else; now it’s the terror of waking up and having to drag myself from my own bed because of someone else… because I’m afraid to face what might be in my dreams.

Friendship Fail.

A month or so ago I posted about my “best friend” who’s getting married later this month and we were having some difficulties because early-mid last year I was taken advantage of in a most deplorable way and he was standing up for her fiance in the wedding. I haven’t fully gotten past what happened back then and I told her that if he was going to be there, if I had to be around him so intimately [because I, too, am in the wedding] then I wasn’t going to be in the wedding and probably not even attend the ceremony or reception.

Back at my other posts, I thought we had patched things up to the point where we determined that he wasn’t going to be coming: not invited, nodda.

I found out earlier today that not only did neither she nor her fiance tell the friend (the guy who date-raped me) that he was no longer invited to the wedding or anything to do with it, I found out the exact opposite! She has been in contact with him, messaging him and questioning him “why the lack of sudden friendship? I hope there’s no hard feelings from when you moved out earlier this year”.

And no, there’s not apparently. As it turns out, “the guy” and my supposed “best friend” are still good pals and she still considers him a very close friend and is very upset with her fiance because he took his friendship with “the guy” for granted and now she’s trying to mend it. Literally. So far, in fact, that she’s trying to get him to stay in the wedding that he dropped out of being in.

Yeah, the same one that I’m in later this month that my “best friend” said he wasn’t even going to be at. Yet, here she is trying to get him to salvage his friendship with her fiance and come to the wedding “because it would mean a lot to him and he wouldn’t have invited you to stand up for him in the wedding if he wasn’t trying in the friendship”.

I’m so friggin pissed. I’m not sure many people have any idea of just how angry I really and truly am.

So basically, I’ve decided that I’ll go. My children aren’t. They’re going to be staying at my mother’s house for, at the very least, the day of the wedding. My aunt is going because MY fiance decided he wanted absolutely nothing to do with her after this particular stunt and that she isn’t worth rescheduling part of his day at work. Honestly? I’m just going to see what exactly she thinks of me. If “the guy” is there, most especially in the Bridal Party, then I’m just walking out and never speaking to her again. It will be her fault and I just don’t care. I’m at the point of almost not going anyway.

I don’t know what she must think of me, but she must think I’m just some little toy, some sort of pawn, to be used and played with and whose emotions are so easily messed with it’s not funny. She must think that I’ll forgive her for anything. And she must not believe what I told her. I’m hurt; I feel betrayed. This is truly the last straw and for more reasons than one.

She’s the reason why my fiance almost broke up with me this afternoon. And that’s a much longer story. Let’s just leave that at with her, there’s been so much drama and it’s causing him to doubt me in several ways.

I’m not a liar and he has no reason to doubt me. I’m hurt, I’m disgusted, and I’m betrayed. I will not lose one of the most important people in my life because of some petty drama. She wants drama, she’ll get it on her wedding day, especially if she’s the cause of it. Using the “but it’s my wedding day” card won’t work on me then.

And I’m normally not such a bitch. I’m just that angry and hurt.

Update? ;) Lol

So it’s totally been awhile but things have been uber hectic around here. I thought everyone (if anyone is still reading this, lol) deserved a brief update, at least, to know that I’m still alive! 😉

Basically, since Thanksgiving, hell’s been let loose in the general area. I have a basic civil war going on in my family and I’m stuck in the middle. Gotta love it. Right now I’m housing one of my aunt’s because she was kicked out of another family member’s house because they were just “sick and tired of her shit” and I’m the only one who is willing to listen to my aunt and let her live with me. Can you see just how nice my family is?

Plus, y’know, my house is being worked on, foundation and electricity-wise, and so my electricity bill jump sky-high from last month. Which I can’t afford at all. My food stamps are dropping by over $50 and I can’t afford that either. I’ve had to cancel 2 doctor’s appointments for my children because I can’t afford the gas mileage to take them because money is so tight this month. I hate this. I hate it all. I’m trying so hard, and so is my fiance, but nothing we’re doing is helping.

The only good news that I have is from my oldest child’s teacher who called this morning around noon and said that one of the upper grades does a project every year and chooses a family to get presents for and my child’s teacher thought of us. And she is giving us pull-ups from another mom in my child’s class. I’m so, so grateful. I don’t know what I’d do without little things like that.

Things are slowly looking up. Just hope for more good news in the future. 🙂

Gobble, Gobble, Gobble

For all those in the USA, like me:

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Yes, yes, I know. I’m a little bit late posting it since it’s after midnight, but I figure since most everyone would be busy with their families and/or friends and/or both today, then it would not be a big deal. As for me? I slept in till around 1PM, whereas my fiance slept till around 2:30PM; he had gotten up off and on with the children because apparently I was dead asleep, but I woke up before him. It really makes no sense, in my opinion.

We had a small, personal Thanksgiving dinner at home with just the two of us and the three kids. He had to work this evening, so it wasn’t anything big. We had mashed potatoes, turkey, stuffing, pumpkin muffins, and rolls. It was really very good. It was, also, the first Thanksgiving that all of us spent together. Last year my ex had my children, per court order, and my fiance and I (we weren’t engaged then) spent the holiday at my best friend’s house. Her family is like my second family and they invited us for Thanksgiving dinner last year. We had a blast.

But I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving this year, whether it was just a small occasion or some huge get together. For me, Thanksgiving is all about being together with the ones I love, about family. I guess I’m a traditionalist like that. 😉

My Life As It Is Now.

It’s… odd. At least to me.

I’ve never been a morning person. Ever. Even when I had to get up early so I could get ready and make sure I was on the bus by a certain time so I wouldn’t miss school, I was the grouchiest lil’ thing in the world. But you’d never know it.

I was good at putting up a happy front. With the life I’ve lived, I had to be otherwise people would be constantly asking me if I was okay, did I need something, or treat me different. Oddly enough, me being happy – or pretending to me, acting like I was – didn’t seem to help and I realized that sometime around my junior year in high school. I stopped caring. I would wake up 10-15 minutes before the bus came; I would brush my hair and pull it up in a ponytail or bun, put on some eyeliner (if I felt like it that day), and grab whatever I could find in my closet. Half the time I re-wore the same pair of jeans 3-4 days in a row. Please don’t get me wrong, though. I did take showers, use deodorant, and keep clean. I just didn’t care about my general body image.

Or socializing. That year I lost all of my friends because they, as I’ve come to find out within the past couple of years, thought I was “too snotty” or “too uppity” or that I thought I was “better than everyone else because I got better grades”. When they told me this these past few years I laughed out loud, and quite obnoxiously at that. Back in that timeframe, I literally just, for lack of better words, didn’t give a fuck. I wasn’t going to “dress to impress” every single day of the week when it was obvious nobody cared anyway. I wasn’t trying to impress anyone beforehand, besides. I was sick and tired of the rumors being said behind my back; that’s why I ignored and just walked passed so many people. They want to talk bad about me and then act like it was nothing? Even when I heard them personally saying it? Ok. Fine. I’ll ignore you.

I’m not a bitch. I give second, third, fourth, and so on chances. But that year I gave up.

Oh, and what’s even funnier? I didn’t have good grades. I got the occasionally A, but it was mostly C’s and D’s, again, the occasional B. I was no where near smart. I cried a lot because I didn’t have good grades and I honestly tried in my classes.

But honestly, none of this is what I wanted to talk about. I just kind of got off track. (But I meant every word.)

My life is different now than it was then. Obviously.

Back then, I wasn’t a mother. I was a teen whose life sucked horribly. At one point I think I considered suicide. Right now I would never even come close to considering it. Right now, in my life, I don’t fake being happy because I genuinely am happy. I don’t put on a happy smile so people will treat me differently. I smile when, well, when it feels right.

Compared to back then, my world is topsy-turvy. I never would have imagined my life as it is now if you would have asked me to back then. I would have said that right now I would either be in college or doing something with my career, maybe planning a wedding or in a serious relationship. The only two that are correct are the “planning a wedding” and “in a serious relationship”, which kind of go hand-in-hand.

At this point in my life I’m a mommy of three and one of my babies, my oldest, is in school. Every weekday morning I wake up between 6:30 and 7AM so I can start getting ready for the day and, more importantly, start getting my baby ready to get on the bus and off to preschool. When we transferred to the school district we’re in now, it was a big switch. Before it was only 2 days a week (Monday and Wednesday) and now it’s preschool every day, which is something I had never heard of.

It’s been three weeks now and we’re finally adjusting to the schedule, though I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that my fiance started his new job and, currently, he’s working a 12-hour shift and leaves at 6AM. (I hate to admit it, but it’s hard to sleep without him.

Recently I’ve been waking up about a half-hour before my fiance leaves for work, though I don’t know how I manage to time that so perfectly. I normally end up staying awake for the rest of the day; I can’t seem to get back to sleep, but by the end of the day I’m ready to pass out. I’ve been getting a lot more done, though. I’ve been eating better or, I should say, I’ve been sticking to my diet better. My kids have been happier and I’ve been sticking them to a better schedule/routine. (Right now it’s about naptime, though they’re fighting it really, really hard. Hence why I’m still typing.) Today I’ve gotten two loads of dishes done, put away one load (from yesterday), swept and mopped the kitchen, taken out the trash can and diaper pail, picked up all of the dirty clothes and started picking up the computer room. Oh! And I finished paying the bills. 🙂 All before 3PM.

This was all between making two bottles three or four times, one sippy cup twice, and handing out snacks at least four times minimum. Oh, and three diaper changes multiplied by 2 with four of those being poopy. And an hour and half (1.5) to two (2) hours was taken up by my oldest wanting me to watch “Pocahantas” with the little booger. The way I was asked I couldn’t say no; besides, it’s one of my favorite Disney movies too! Lol!

But yeah. I feel super accomplished today. I never get this much done.

And believe it or not, my children are currently quiet and asleep now.

Heck. Yes.

Little Bit of This and That

So… updates… yeah….

I haven’t posted for a couple days. *slaps hand* Bad llama!

Yeah, I’ve watched “The Emperor’s New Groove” a couple of times with my kids this week. It’s on Netflix and I like it; so do they. Give me some credit here! ^^;; Lol!

Anyway.

My children went with my mom on Friday, as proposed and my fiance and I, well, we actually didn’t do anything spectacular. Friday night, lessee… I think we ended up driving around in town for a bit before settling at this new Indian restaurant in town; my fiance loves Indian food, or just spicy food in general. And the food was exquisite! I was actually able to eat it! I don’t do spicy well. We got onion Naan and garlic Naan. Yum. 🙂

Then, y’know, we headed home because our tummies were full and played lots and lots of DDR because we’re fatties and need to lose weight. LOL! We stayed up till around 2-3AM that night, I think.

Saturday we slept in till around 2PM and my fiance didn’t even bother to wake me up. Love him to bits, but he could have woken me up. I mean, seriously? I’m not that grumpy when I wake up. I manage to get up at 7AM every weekday morning with little-to-no help from him and get my oldest up, ready, and off to school with no issues. I feel very accomplished with myself, thank you. ^^;; Hehe.

Back to what I was saying.

We woke up and ate a bit. We mostly just snacked. I figured out, though, that I needed to go to David’s Bridal, which is around 30 minutes away from where we live, because I’m in my best friend’s wedding and I still have to get my dress. She’s not making me pay for it, but I had to find the one that I liked the best, looked the best on me, and actually fit me. Oh, and fit her conditions: apple red, floor length, and under $150 at final cost. Mine ended up being a strapless, apple red, flowy chiffon gown. It kinda has that Greek-goddess look to it. I really like it. It’s kind of ironic, though – and I didn’t realize this until yesterday – but the dress I chose for a bridesmaid is almost identical to the dress I have stored at my aunt and uncle’s house for my wedding. The only differences are that my outer layer is more lacy than chiffon and is split in the middle so it’s much more flowy; it’s an off-white, kind of creamy; it has very thin, double-strapped spaghetti straps going over each shoulder. Other than that, they’re pretty much the same. I hope my fiance doesn’t realize that when I’m walking down the aisle toward him in our wedding. ><;;

We ended up eating out after our trip to David’s Bridal.  We browsed around Wal-Mart for a bit, searching for stuff for the kids, stuff we need for the house, just stuff. We were trying to make the most out our last evening without the children, especially considering something had come up at my mom’s house and we had to pick them up early: 12PM early. Though, that kind of put my mind at rest considering the storms we were “supposed” to get (that, I know now, never hit us).

The final stop for my fiance and I was a small restaurant near our house where we stopped and had a few drinks; I think I had three – and whew! My first one was a doozy! My fiance, I think had two mixed drinks and a beer. All my drinks were very large mixed drinks. I guess I still have a decent tolerance even though I don’t really drink anymore. I haven’t had a drink in almost a year, not including the other night obviously.

My fiance and I made it home just fine. Which, just saying, was amazing and that’s not because we had been drinking. It was raining cats and dogs outside when we left the place and when we walked inside there wasn’t a cloud in the sky! I hate it when the weather changes so quickly. :-/

Neither of us was drunk when we got home, so, once again, we went in, fiddled a little on our computers (I pretty much just read a little and went through my newsfeed on facebook then stopped – the storm was messing with the Internet), and then we played DDR… again. We played for so long it was ridiculous. After we finally got tired of playing we watched two episodes of “The Vampire Diaries” – and yes, you read that right – and then we finally realized what time it was.

It was five in the morning (5AM). We were going to be SO dead in the morning. It takes over an hour to get to my mom’s place and we had to be there by noon.

And THAT was my weekend, pretty much, in a nutshell. Lol!

 * * *

In other news, my landlord has finally decided to fix the foundation on the house I’m renting from him. Thank goodness! He’s renewing the wiring too, which isn’t something my fiance and I anticipated or even asked for so I’m quite excited. The unfortunate part is that it’s going to take a week or two to fix everything that actually needs fixing, so hopefully they get it done fast. They’ve been here since Monday.

Would you believe they actually created a hole in the foundation and then redid it? Now there’s an even bigger breeze going through my basement into the house. I’m so blah about it. I mean, they’re fixing it – you can tell – and I think they poured cement into it today, but still… a hole?! Gah. I just don’t understand these people.

And I’m only going to mention this briefly because I’m so ashamed with myself: I haven’t written on my NaNoWriMo novel since my last update. I’M SO ASHAMED!!!!!

Oh, and the WiiFit is down. Apparently I weigh 300-something pounds now. Just saying, I did NOT gain over 90 pounds in 1 week. I definitely don’t look like I did. Besides, I’m down a dress size. Oh, and my fiance didn’t gain over 100 pounds either. I saw him when he weighed almost 300 pounds and what he looks like now is SO not it. Stupid WiiFit.

But on the up-side, my fiance is a working man again! He got a job that pays $10/hour today! And he starts tomorrow! It’s a 12-hour rotating shift; he works three days on, three days off. I’m not sure about much else than that. I mean, I know he’s a trainee for now, but other than that…. ^^;;

I guess things are starting to look up for us finally! Something bad will happen sooner or later, but until that happens, I will continue to relish in my happiness. My three children are my most precious and my fiance is the love of my life.

I’m happy. Truly, wonderfully happy. ❤

Working Toward My Goals – YES!

So I’m proud to annouce that I have successfully reached over 5000 words on my NaNoWriMo novel as of 12:15am, thank you very much! Lol! It excites me to no end to see the fast pace that I’ve been writing. I wrote over 200 words in less than 5 minutes! That’s seriously a record for me. I normally have to stop and think and rethink and I just go crazy! It’s completely insane. I’m happy with how things are going, even if I’m way behind the “set pace” for NaNoWriMo.

And today I found out that DDR is a very good way to exercise. Anybody who doesn’t know what DDR is, is crazy. Anybody who DOES know what it is, is completely friggin awesome in my book. My fiance has it for, get this, PLAYSTATION 2!!! Yeah. Kinda crazy. It’s a relatively old system, especially since we have a Wii, too. We’re just nutso like that. 😉

But we played DDR (we have 3-4 versions of it for the PS2) for around 2 hours and we seriously broke a sweat. I have weak ankles, so I had issues with the jumps, but it was super fun! I love it! I love the music and the challenge and just the overall-ness of it. I used to play DDR when they had it in the arcade at my local mall. That was before I had my oldest child… several years ago… and when I was in high school. (I had my first child the year after I was supposed to graduate.)

But, my fiance is being a butthole and telling me I need to get to sleep (which I do), so I need to get off the computer and go to bed. Le sigh. Maybe I can convince him to play DDR again? Since, y’know, the TV is in our room…. hehe…..