Choosing Sides. Amnesia?

My last post made me think. I was thinking about it all day, thinking about that and more.

That was not the first time I had encountered my stepfather when he was angry, nor would it be the last. What it made me realize, though, is that every time something like that happened… I moved out. He was not kicked out. My mother did not leave him. I was the one who left; I was the one who, essentially, was told she was in the wrong. At least, that’s how it feels now.

I spoke with my mother that day. I asked her several things, mostly about my childhood, before and after that specific incident. I fibbed to her a little bit, not stating that I awoke in the middle of the night nearly screaming because of the memory of it happening appearing in my dream. No, I didn’t want that to haunt her, knowing that she put her oldest child and only daughter at risk; I didn’t want that. I did call her that day with a purpose that day.

Throughout the whole day I had been thinking, going through my memories of the incidences and there are only three specific times that I can remember living at my mother’s while she was with my stepfather and then having to move back in with my Grandparents after something happened. Two of which have to do with my stepfather. One of them, there is a 2-3 week blank in my memory, starting with my last day of school when I lived with my mother and stepfather & beginning again with my first day back after winter break at a new school and living with my Grandparents again. Somewhere in-between that timeframe of 2-3 weeks something happened and I moved out.

I was in fifth grade. It was exactly a year before I had my seizure, leading to my diagnosis of epilepsy.

My mother could remember the incident of my stepfather chasing me through the house in a rage and me running to my room in fright, closing the door behind me and locking the door and him bursting it open, breaking the lock then hovering over me cowering on my bed, with his fist above his head; she could remember that clearly. That was the summer before I advanced to third grade.

My mother could remember the incident in ninth grade, the incident from the previous post. All of these were at least 10 years ago.

So how does she not remember the incident from the winter of my fifth grade year? I had called my aunt, her sister, before I called my mother to ask about it because, honestly, I was afraid of asking my mother. But my aunt didn’t have an answer; she didn’t know.

I can’t even give you a straight answer on what my mother told me. She was vague and tried to stay away from the topic of what happened. In the end, though, she did blame it on the fact of “that might have been when your absence seizures started”.  Absence seizures being basically when I space out. That’s the only outward sign and then I have no recollection of what happened during said time period of the seizure. They normally last 3-5 SECONDS.

How do I tell my mother, who definitely knows all the information about my epilepsy & the types of seizures I have, that there’s no way it could have erased 2-3 weeks of my memory and that I have AMNESIA. How do I tell her that she’s lying and it’s so obvious it’s ridiculous? How? What could have happened to me?

My husband thinks that there’s a possibility that something severe happened to me and she’s covering up for my stepfather. Honestly, I don’t doubt it. It just makes me worried because nobody will tell me, even more-so because she is still with my stepfather.

I’m scared.

 

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Ain’t that the truth?

Note to self: continuing nausea and fatigue does NOT automatically mean I’m pregnant no matter how much I wish it so. Patience, young grasshopper, is the key.

Lately

So I’ve noticed that lately I’ve been focusing my blog posts mainly on mine and my fiance’s life or my [maybe unhealthy] dealings with my ex-husband. Like I’ve said before, this blog is mostly to deal with stress in my daily life – me ranting and raving for no other reason than to get it out of my system. I know that there are probably a lot of people who don’t like reading about my life and I can handle that. It’s my life and not someone else’s, so why would you?

I guess I just kind of have this little hope inside of me that someone will learn from my mistakes.

But that’s not what I’m writing about right now.

Right now I’m trying to figure out a way for me to stop ranting and raving so much about my fiance and my ex-husband. Though, at this moment in time I don’t see how seeing as they are such an integral part of my life. My fiance for obvious reasons and my ex-husband because he’s the father of my children and, unless I get really lucky [and I doubt it], he’s never going to out of my life. I have accepted the latter part with little enthusiasm, but hey, I’ve accepted it. 😉 Lol!

I’ve been trying to look through prompts and challenges for ideas on something to write, but when I finally get inspiration, it all comes back to something with my fiance or my ex-husband… on occasion my children, which then leads to either my fiance or ex-husband. Blah. I love writing, I love typing, but I hate being repetitive and redundant. Even I’m getting bored of writing pretty much about the same ol’ thing so everybody who reads my blog even “every now and then” has to be sick of it by now!

And I apologize for that. I really, truly do.

Day 7, Week 1

Like the title says, today is Day 7.

Day 7 of what, you say? Why, today is Day 7 of my new diet & exercise regimen and I’m oh-so excited!

It’s sad, really. I’ve never made it this far into a diet or exercise regime before; I’m doubly proud for making it this far, which isn’t saying much. Buuuu~ut… before I say too much, I’m going to go through the week. 😉

A lot has happened this week. More than progressing on the diet and such. My fiance helped me finish moving out of my [old] apartment and I turned in my keys this past week! I think that’s an achievement, for sure. Before I turned in my keys we made sure everything was out of the apartment and cleaned it up a bit –  mopping, sweeping, and such. I told my previous landlady so, and also that there were a few nicks in the walls from my children and the blinds needed fixing, but that was all. She took it in stride and said whatever needed fixing she would take out of my deposit. Which is fine with me as long as I was able to get out of that hell-hole.

And I did! Yay!

I also had a meeting with the preschool teacher for my eldest child on… wait for it…. Halloween. It’s true! Anyway, though, I went to the school nearby to meet with her about my child transferring there and to fill out all the forms required. I was very impressed! The classroom is twice as big with less than half the amount of students at his last preschool; my child will be getting more individual and hands-on attention. I’m so very, very excited. He starts on Monday (tomorrow) and will be going to school every weekday in the mornings – a halfday, if you will. Hopefully he’ll be able to catch up from where he was behind.

And then, it brings us to today.

All week my fiance and I have been struggling through the first week of our diet and exercise. To be quite honest, we barely did any exercise, which probably isn’t very good, but it’s just the first week and the fact that we did any at all is good, right? We exercised about every other day. It was an honest effort. I have a lot to work on because I never worked any of my stomach muscles after my emergency c-section with my last child. (I do NOT reccommend a c-section to anyone unless absolutely neccessary.) Now my tummy muscle is beyond loose and I hate it; plus I have gained weight since I had my last child – about forty to fifty pounds more!

Anyway, after being sore the first couple of days from exercising, I started stretching every morning and I haven’t been sore since and that is fantastic. Overall, this week I’ve lost three (3) pounds and I’m closer to achieving my goal of being at a healthy weight! I really am very excited.

Today, though, is “cheat day” and so I’m pretty much eating my weight in whatever I want. I’ve had McDonald’s and Chinese food. I’ve had coffee with lots of creamer and sugar; two peanut butter and nutella sandwiches ; pumpkin ice cream with caramel and whipped cream. My personal goal for today? Eat what I’ve wanted to eat for the last week. Overall goal? Up my calorie intake so my body doesn’t adjust to the lower calorie count and I’m still able to lose weight.

I guess we’ll see after today how it goes!!

During Work He Does What?

Ok. So I’m not  complaining, but I just don’t understand how this could happen.

My ex-husband moved out of state over 6 months ago and I’ve little-to-no contact with him since, other than what was required. I’m still “friends”, so to speak, with him on facebook so I see what’s going on in his life and whatnot.

He works everyday. Well, every weekday. He works 8AM-5PM, with normal overtime. He has some sort of computer job; not sure exactly what he does. :-/

Anyway, here’s the kicker.

Everyday, he’s posting on facebook between the hours of 8AM and 5PM.

But not only that, he’s also posting, many more times, on his tumblr account.

Oh, and he gets on his online dating site that he brags about being on.

All during the hours of 8AM and 5PM, his work hours.

What I don’t get is how his employers don’t know that he’s using their computers, their internet, to get online and do whatever the f**k he wants. From what I’ve gathered from his facebook account, he does the same thing afterwork too: posting on facebook, tumblr, and getting on the online dating site. So is he even doing any work at all? Is he even earning his almost $100k/yr pay?

My answer: probably not.

Unfortunately, I can’t prove it and it’ll be considered heresy – the whole “he said, she said”, even if I print-screened things from all of the sites.

*Le sigh* Sometimes, life just is not fair.

Truly Happy

I have few true happinesses in my life. But I have them.

They are different than the things that make me smile. Something good happening to my favorite character on a TV show can make me smile. Reading a book and finding out that the two lovers, once seperated, finally found their way to each other again (even though it’s highly predictable) can make me smile.

Seriously, brownies can make me smile. And that was before my diet.

It’s just… those aren’t the kind of things that I’m talking about.

I’m talking about the feeling I get when my youngest child walks over to me when I’m sitting down and climbs up on my lap and just hugs me; just wraps his arms around me the best he can [since he’s so small] and lays his head on my chest and cuddles into me. It’s that feeling.

It’s the feeling I get when my oldest child runs up to me and latches onto my leg in an imitation of hugging and looks up to me with a huge smile and his eyes bright and tries to say, in his working language, “Love you, Mommy”.

It’s the feeling I get when I see my fiance smile. When he holds my hand. When he says or does something for no other reason than to make me laugh.

It’s the feeling when my fiance and I are laying together at night, my head on his chest and his arms around me, and I feel secure, safe, loved and we’re talking about nothing and everything.

It’s those moments when I feel Truly Happy.

I think I can… I think I can….

So, my fiance and I finally decided to get on a diet and exercise regimen.  The final decision-maker for me was, surprisingly enough, not the fact that I’m going to be in my best friend’s wedding or that mine is less than a year away even though both are good motivators. No, the final push I needed was seeing myself naked in the new mirror after I got out of the shower. Oh yeah, the new mirror is situated directly across from the bath/shower so I didn’t really have a choice.

I was appalled. I was disgusted. I was, well, shocked. I look so much different than I did a year ago. One year ago I was forty pounds lighter and under 200 pounds. For my height, which is tall for a woman, it’s not terribly horrible, but I want to be able to not be self-conscious of how I look when I sit down. Or move. When I checked my BMI, it came up “obese”. I’ve never gotten that, and I hate that I finally crossed that line.

I hate how I look. I don’t want to end up even more obese. That was the deciding factor.

I want to be someone that I can be confident in how I look. I want to be someone who, when they’re older, my children won’t be embarrassed for their friends to see me. I want to be a confident, beautiful, happy young woman. I want people to say “You’ve had three kids? No way!”

I want to be able to feel good about myself again. Like I did in the spring and summer of 2012.

It’s going to work. It’s just a feeling I have. My fiance’s done it before and he lost 80 pounds. He’s since gained 20 lbs. of it back, but he wanted to lose more anyway, but the point is he knows what he’s doing. He’s doing it in a healthy fashion and, now, we have a “buddy” to do it with: someone to encourage us when we’re starting to lose our way who’s going through the same thing.

We can do this. We can.

I can.