Post-Note: To Prevent Confusion

I feel like I owe some sort of explanation, a post-note of sorts, because there might be some confusion or misunderstanding with some things that I mentioned in my last post: Love & Friendship Prevails. I hope this clears things up. Otherwise, ask me whatever you want. ūüôā

In my last post¬†I wrote that I don’t sleep with guys before I get to know them or on the first date. Later on I go on to say that I had given him a blowjob, and further, that I “began sleeping with all those men from the bar for a couple of months”.

I want to point out that that is not who I am.

I was not lying when I first said I don’t sleep with a guy on the first date or before I get to know them. It is no excuse, but as I stated in the post, after being raped three (3) times in such a short period of time, I didn’t feel I was good for much else and I went into a frenzy of depression and any spare moment I had to myself I was out partying, getting drunk, and sleeping with a different guy. It is not an excuse.

To put how worthless I felt in perspective let me tell you a few things about myself.

    • I never went to parties while I was in high school or after high school, even though I was invited.
    • I was a [clueless] virgin until I was 18 years old.
    • I didn’t drink alcohol before I was 21 years old.
    • My children’s father was the third (3rd) guy I had sex with.
    • My children’s father raped me multiple times. He thought I wanted it even though I said no.
    • I didn’t get into any sort of relationship after I left my ex for a year.
    • The first serious relationship I got into, after my divorce,¬†ended¬†when he raped me and laughed at me afterward when I was crying and bleeding.
    • He was the fourth (4th) guy I had ever had sex with.
    • I attempted to date another guy three or so months later. I got to know him over several dates. He was the fifth (5th) guy I had sex with.
    • He never spoke to me again after we had sex.
    • Less than six months after¬†the previous rape,¬†I was [date] raped at my best friend’s belated birthday party.
    • He was, if you count it, the¬†sixth (6th) guy I had sex with.
    • Afterward, I¬†had sex¬†with 10+ men in less than two months. Sometimes more than one at a time.
    • And a couple women. I’m bisexual. I lean toward men.
    • I stopped sleeping with multiple men (and women) when I met the guy I’m dating now.
    • I truly went partying¬†for the first time¬†after the last [date] rape (with the 6th guy). That was, also, when I started going to to the bar every weekend.
    • I didn’t stop partying and drinking for almost six more months; I was an alcoholic.

At the time the date-rape occurred, I was just getting my confidence back in myself and¬†about ready to attempt to date seriously. I never would have slept with him because of my past. Most especially not until I heard what my best friend’s opinion on him was, a thorough opinion, and until I got to know him better. The rape essentially broke me and sent me spiralling into a depression and I tried to bury the memories of it in alcohol, erotic dancing, and more sex.

Do I regret what I did now? Yes. Was there anything I could have done to prevent it? Probably not.

I was one of the lucky ones. I didn’t contract an STD (sexually transmitted disease). I’ve been tested multiple times extensively, especially since I’ve been raped, and I’ve come up clear. Also, since I slept with so many men in so little time, most of the time without a condom, I was extremely lucky I didn’t get an STD.

It was the darkest point in my life. I ignored my children for a social life I shouldn’t have even had. It was a social life of people that wanted to party and get drunk all the time. I kept alcohol in my¬†home, at least two kinds, at all times for several months. Whenever something happened, whenever my kids were gone, I would want to go out and dance and drink and party. There were even times when I knew my children would be gone and I knew I wouldn’t hear from my boyfriend so I went out and partied; my boyfriend didn’t approve of what I was doing and he was trying to get me to stop. I think he knew when I did anyway and didn’t tell me, he just continued to discourage me from doing it.

It’s because of him that I stopped drinking and partying constantly. If it wasn’t for him, I would probably still be in a very bad place.

Since him, though, I have not slept with anyone else, though I have had plenty of offers. (I became known as a bar slut, a reputation I am happy to be rid of.) Since my fiance, I’ve only gotten drunk a handful of times since I truly stopped partying and he was with me each time.

I’m happy now.

Though, I do wish I were able to go dancing more. Drunk or not, I like dancing. ūüėČ

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“Besides in the meantime I‚Äôm just dreaming of tearing you apart”

Written for the Daily Prompt: Can‚Äôt Drive 55: Take the third line of the last song you heard, make it your post title, and write for a maximum of 15 minutes. Song that I used: “My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark” by Fall Out Boy.

I have weird dreams at night and as much as I’d like to admit it, being a soon-to-be married woman and all, I dream about someone I used to love. No, not my ex-husband. I don’t think I ever really loved him, which is sad.

The person I dream about is someone I consider my first love.

I’ve heard the saying that you “never really get over your first love” and I hate it because I think it’s true.

Over the years I convinced myself that I was over him, that I didn’t “love” him anymore and that I could move on. He had rejected me out right – twice, mind you – and even though he did that, he was still one of the nicest people I’d ever met, and until we were seperated in high school by social cliques, one of my closest friends. It didn’t help that I’d moved away for a certain amount of time.

That’s besides the point.

Late last year someone told me he was back in town. He had left after high school, going out of state for college and all that. Apparently he came back and was now a deputy in the Sheriff’s Department in our small rural town.

Despite being a mother of three full-time right now, back when I was told that, I only had my children four days a week because of a temporary court order. I went out and got shit-faced drunk. I was a mess. My fiance was at work (he worked overnights then), so he couldn’t control me. After I had gotten back home from the bar from the bouncer, I decided that I¬†it was a good idea to walk back to the bar because “I had forgotten something”; though in the back of my mind I remember hearing somebody say that my “first love” worked those hours and I was just trying to get ahold of him.¬†Of course, the bar was closed, I had no ride home and was too drunk to walk myself back home even though I lived only a few blocks away.

How I even made it to the bar Рand then acrossed the highway! РI will never know. Especially safely.

There was a lady across the street at a local business and she let me call the¬†sheriff’s department to come and take me home. When I got in the¬†car with the cop,¬†I asked if I could call my “first love”. Didn’t quite work. He let me call my aunt though! Gah. So embarassing.

Besides that, though, I saw him in March. And this is what messes me up.

I was coming out of the grocery store and he was walking¬†past, to the entrance. He just stared at me. Like “turn head as walk by then turn around and keep staring”. Like you see in movies? He did that. No lie. It completely baffled me. And made¬†my heart race. And it hard to breathe. And my face turn red.

I flipped the f*ck out.

I have no idea why either.

My¬†fiance was with me and he asked what was going on with me. I told him and said not to worry. He got quiet, then looked at me and said “I think I do have to worry about him if I want to keep you.”

It nearly broke my heart.

Ever since then I’ve dreamed of my “first love” more than I ever have and it’s driving me insane. I love my fiance, I do! But I can’t get this other guy out of my head!!!! And it’s always in a romantic situation. Why, oh, why must this happen to me?!