Life = Drama

I shouldn’t feel like this. I don’t want to feel like this and yet I do.

My life is a soap opera. It’s drama-filled and it’s never boring. I hate it. It’s never a happy drama; something bad is always happening. I could name around ten (10) things right now that aren’t even close to good, but I don’t want to rant about everything.

I only want to get one thing out of my system. I’m so stressed about it, it’s not even funny. It’s scary. I’m anxious and freaking out and crying.

I’m honestly afraid that I’m going to lose my fiance. I honestly fear that I’m going to lose the man that I love.

Why? Because I made some bad choices in my past and they keep being dredged up when he’s just managing to stop thinking about them. And it isn’t as if I like to think about what I did in my past either – I hate it and I would rather not think on it either – but it’s harder for him. We got together right afterward. As in, less than a month afterward.

And I didn’t realize it at the time, in fact I didn’t realize it until my fiance pointed it out earlier this evening to me, but I had inadvertently lied to him.

At the time my fiance and I started our relationship I was just coming out of my bar-hopping/partying/drinking/sleeping around phase that lasted a whole three months. (Not very long, right?) Well, I don’t remember exactly when I said it or in what context, but I said that I wasn’t “that kind of girl” – the kind to sleep around or lie or betray him. And to be quite honest, I’m not. I just fell for him and I fell hard. When I told him that, and I can guarantee this, I didn’t think of myself as any sort of bar slut or some sort of floozy.

But he thinks I lied to him just to get with him. I didn’t and I’m scared that he’s going to leave me. He was angry about it earlier. He made a point of telling me earlier that when he was growing up it was said that the type of woman I was weren’t the kind for relationships and the men who tried to get in relationships with them were the stupid ones because they eventually ended badly – i.e: with some sort of betrayal.

I cried so hard. I told him straight-out that at the time I didn’t think of myself that way at the time and that I really am not like that. I told him that I was sorry for inadvertantly lying to him. He didn’t say anything. He pretty much stayed quiet until he had to get ready for work.

I didn’t want him to go to work. I was… am… afraid that he’s not going to come back.

I miss him.

I love him.

I wish someone could explain to me something. Help me.

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I’d Rather Not

Back so many weeks ago I posted about one of my friends getting married. I mentioned that I was going to be in her wedding: a bridesmaid. There’s a catch now, and it’s been bothering me for at least two weeks; that’s half the time I’ve known she’s going to be getting married in December.

Last year, for her birthday, there was a big to-do at her place over the weekend. I had to travel out of state for it. It was a month or so before I started dating my fiance. There’s was a dinner and then bar-hopping and then more alcohol back at her place. Lots and lots of alcohol. We played multiple drinking games and everybody ended up getting shit-faced drunk and passing out somewhere. Though, overall, we had fun.

Me? Not so much.

It wasn’t the hangover the next morning. It was in-between that got me. Somebody that was invited, her [current] fiance’s long-time friend, was what happened. To be honest, I don’t remember much. I remember going to take my nightly meds that I’m supposed to take for my epilepsy and when I stumbled into the bedroom she assigned me, he was in the bed. And then… I remember kissing him, but nothing hardcore at all. And there’s black-outs. I kept waking up and I was somewhere else on the bed, in a different position, with less clothing.

I’m going to assume you can figure out what happened. I would rather not relive it again.

The thing is, though. I wasn’t able to tell her everything about what happened within the 48hours after it occurred. I told her some of it, but not all of it. Enough for her to see him as a complete douchebag; though she did tell me that “oh, didn’t I tell you? He’s a complete womanizer and has no respect for women at all” afterward.

I flipped out.

Around a year later I tell her the whole of what happened… or what I can remember of it. I had told my fiance about it and he asked if she knew; he told me I needed to tell her the rest and I did. Afterward, she confronted said guy and she said that he blamed the alcohol.

Now it’s several months later and I have to confront her again. I’m in her wedding. So is he. I can’t be around him. I can’t.

I’ve already confronted her and she doesn’t seem to understand; either that, or she doesn’t believe that any of it actually happened. I’m not sure which to believe. I want her to believe me, but… I just don’t know!

I told her earlier today over the phone that I “wasn’t comfortable being around him”. She said she would talk to her fiance about it, but not before asking me multiple times if I was coming to her wedding.

Yeah. And she asked me that if he gave a “sincere apology” could we work something out?

That hurt. A lot.

Because if he gave an apology now I know it would be forced by her. It’s been over a year later and any time I see him around town he dodges the other way. There’s no way he would willingly apologize and, if he did, there’s no way it would be sincere. I would never believe it, I hate to say.

I don’t know what to do. I really don’t. I hate putting her in this spot, but…

Would you want to be so close to someone who raped you?

* * *

Rules of the Universe? Ooo-k.

I read somewhere, don’t ask me where, that if you say something out loud or think it “too loudly” then it would happen. Somewhere along the line I started believing it and living by it.

When I don’t want something to happen, I won’t believe it, or fully believe it. If I speak of it, even if in my heart of hearts I truly believe something is or isn’t going to happen, I will talk as if there is an extreme likelihood of the opposite happening. I even guard my thoughts and try to just not think about what is or isn’t going to happen so nothing will go wrong.

I know life isn’t perfect, but really? I sound like I’ve gone superstitious (which I’ve never been).

Here’s the kicker though: it’s working and I don’t have an explanation.

I’m not avoiding any situation really; I know it’s there and I fully embrace it and prepare for it. I know every option.

God? It’s not that I don’t believe in God because I do, but, well, I’m not going to get into that argument online.

Karma? The whole “what goes around comes around” thing? I’m not so sure. Maybe, but it still doesn’t quite fit.

At this point, I’ve started calling what’s going on a part of the Rules of the Universebecause I have nothing better to either call it or describe it.

* * *

It’s a work in progress.