My Past. My Ex. My Anxiety.

I have to get this out of my system. I don’t know why, all of sudden, it’s bothering me so much. I don’t know why I’m thinking about all of this, forward and backward. I can’t get it out of my mind.

And so I going to write about it. I’m going to post it here.

I will forewarn you: I don’t know how long this post is going to be. Mind, I’m not going to try and make it a long post, but with what I am going to be writing, it might end up longer than anticipated. Please… if you start reading this, don’t be deterred by the long-windedness of my writing. It just kind of happens.

* * *

I was younger then. It was the beginning of a new school year and all of my friends were off to college; I never graduated high school. I was depressed. I had no idea where my life was going. Everyone was gone. I had no one.

And then He shows up.

Day by day, week by week, month by month – they all went by and I lost count. I can’t tell you exactly when everything happened or in what order. I just know that in the end, everything turned to shit. My family hated me; I was ostracized from the people who raised me and the only people I had to turn to were ones I barely even knew.

I was pregnant. I was engaged. I didn’t love the person I was marrying, but I was denying it to myself. Even looking back I can say that honestly. I just stayed with him so the child in my womb wouldn’t have a broken family like I grew up in.

I was an idiot.

He was abusive.

I eventually left him. It took me a while and several attempts; the cops were called several times to settle disputes between us in the process. What finally pushed me to the edge wasn’t a fight, wasn’t really any sort of abuse. It was a lie. I had finally convinced him to try marriage counseling and we decided on a local pastor/Christian couselor, which honestly surprised me because he’s some sort of atheist.

During the session – the one and only session that we went to – we talked things out, I got things off of my chest and told him what was bothering me. Of course, he nagged at me a bit, but in the end we compromised. My biggest “blah” was that he wasn’t helping out enough with our child and was demanding too much of me; he literally did nothing in the house while I was supposed to do everything and make time to shower myself, feed myself… and him. I had enough to deal with when I was taking care of our child and the household. He could cook for himself. Until I found out that he was only an expert at burning water. :-/

But yes, the session went great. I was happy. Suspicious, but happy. I was rightfully suspicious, I came later to find out. Almost every promise, almost every thing that he said he would change and start doing to help out, was broken not three hours later. He had planned on doing something “with the guys” for the whole weekend. I wouldn’t be seeing him for the whole weekend and I had no prior knowledge about it.

We argued again. I yelled, I cried. I gave up. I knew nothing could be done and I left. I packed a bag that night for me and then one for the baby and, on my way out, left him a note on the bed. I called one of my friends and had her pick me up. We were done. I filed for divorce a month later. He was dating another woman two weeks later.

The faux pas then, though, was that I was pregnant. We ended up having to wait over a year for the divorce to be finalized. Within the first six months, he did not contact me to see our already born child, he made no attempt to try and see our child. When we did make it to court, he said that I had denied him his parental rights to see his child and that’s why he never visited the baby.

Two years later and three children together, we’re going through the same thing.

I don’t know what he’s doing. I have absolutely no idea. I know he’s unstable. He’s the type of person that can’t go without a relationship. Literally CAN NOT. He split with his last girlfriend, at most, two months ago and he’s already dating someone else. Before her, it was a couple weeks. Before that relationship, it was around two months.

And I only know that through, y’know, Facebook. ^^;;

It’s been over six months since he’s seen his children face-to-face and he’s made little effort to see them. I don’t know if he’s trying something underhanded, if he’s going for what he did last time, or if he honestly thinks that I just gave up on fighting in court. (He doesn’t think that I’m actually paying my lawyer.) I can’t get into his mindset because I care too much about my children. The three weeks he took them and didn’t allow me contact with them I flipped out. My anxiety level was at an all-time high. I had panic-attacks and I seriously flipped the FUCK out. I’ve never been that way. Ever. My children are my life and not knowing exactly where they were, not having contact with them, threw me in a way I never thought possible.

And because of him I’m paranoid. Proof: my children stayed with my mother this past weekend. I had to call her on Saturday because I was flipping out because my children weren’t with me; I didn’t know how they were exactly. I knew they were alright, but I was flipping out. It was anxiety, near to a panic attack. Relate it to PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), if you must – I know that’s the only thing I can relate it to similarly, though I know it’s not the same thing. What happened to me all those months ago has affected me for life. And it sucks.

But now he’s (my ex) not answering texts. He asked me to text him when it was a good time that him and the children could talk. I did. He never responded. That was weeks ago.

And now he’s not paying child support.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if it’s accidental or not. I mean, I moved; what if because I moved the child support stuff is all blah. Oh, but wait… then I wouldn’t have gotten last month. Or the month before. Right?

So what’s going on?

I’m so confused. And scared. And anxious. Slightly paranoid.

I just want all of this to be over. All of the problems and issues. I want all of it gone. I know it never will be; I’m stuck with that man for life until the children are grown up, and even then, probably not even.

Hopes, wishes, and dreams abound. I just want everything to be well and good again.

Stable is good. 🙂

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Little Bit of This and That

So… updates… yeah….

I haven’t posted for a couple days. *slaps hand* Bad llama!

Yeah, I’ve watched “The Emperor’s New Groove” a couple of times with my kids this week. It’s on Netflix and I like it; so do they. Give me some credit here! ^^;; Lol!

Anyway.

My children went with my mom on Friday, as proposed and my fiance and I, well, we actually didn’t do anything spectacular. Friday night, lessee… I think we ended up driving around in town for a bit before settling at this new Indian restaurant in town; my fiance loves Indian food, or just spicy food in general. And the food was exquisite! I was actually able to eat it! I don’t do spicy well. We got onion Naan and garlic Naan. Yum. 🙂

Then, y’know, we headed home because our tummies were full and played lots and lots of DDR because we’re fatties and need to lose weight. LOL! We stayed up till around 2-3AM that night, I think.

Saturday we slept in till around 2PM and my fiance didn’t even bother to wake me up. Love him to bits, but he could have woken me up. I mean, seriously? I’m not that grumpy when I wake up. I manage to get up at 7AM every weekday morning with little-to-no help from him and get my oldest up, ready, and off to school with no issues. I feel very accomplished with myself, thank you. ^^;; Hehe.

Back to what I was saying.

We woke up and ate a bit. We mostly just snacked. I figured out, though, that I needed to go to David’s Bridal, which is around 30 minutes away from where we live, because I’m in my best friend’s wedding and I still have to get my dress. She’s not making me pay for it, but I had to find the one that I liked the best, looked the best on me, and actually fit me. Oh, and fit her conditions: apple red, floor length, and under $150 at final cost. Mine ended up being a strapless, apple red, flowy chiffon gown. It kinda has that Greek-goddess look to it. I really like it. It’s kind of ironic, though – and I didn’t realize this until yesterday – but the dress I chose for a bridesmaid is almost identical to the dress I have stored at my aunt and uncle’s house for my wedding. The only differences are that my outer layer is more lacy than chiffon and is split in the middle so it’s much more flowy; it’s an off-white, kind of creamy; it has very thin, double-strapped spaghetti straps going over each shoulder. Other than that, they’re pretty much the same. I hope my fiance doesn’t realize that when I’m walking down the aisle toward him in our wedding. ><;;

We ended up eating out after our trip to David’s Bridal.  We browsed around Wal-Mart for a bit, searching for stuff for the kids, stuff we need for the house, just stuff. We were trying to make the most out our last evening without the children, especially considering something had come up at my mom’s house and we had to pick them up early: 12PM early. Though, that kind of put my mind at rest considering the storms we were “supposed” to get (that, I know now, never hit us).

The final stop for my fiance and I was a small restaurant near our house where we stopped and had a few drinks; I think I had three – and whew! My first one was a doozy! My fiance, I think had two mixed drinks and a beer. All my drinks were very large mixed drinks. I guess I still have a decent tolerance even though I don’t really drink anymore. I haven’t had a drink in almost a year, not including the other night obviously.

My fiance and I made it home just fine. Which, just saying, was amazing and that’s not because we had been drinking. It was raining cats and dogs outside when we left the place and when we walked inside there wasn’t a cloud in the sky! I hate it when the weather changes so quickly. :-/

Neither of us was drunk when we got home, so, once again, we went in, fiddled a little on our computers (I pretty much just read a little and went through my newsfeed on facebook then stopped – the storm was messing with the Internet), and then we played DDR… again. We played for so long it was ridiculous. After we finally got tired of playing we watched two episodes of “The Vampire Diaries” – and yes, you read that right – and then we finally realized what time it was.

It was five in the morning (5AM). We were going to be SO dead in the morning. It takes over an hour to get to my mom’s place and we had to be there by noon.

And THAT was my weekend, pretty much, in a nutshell. Lol!

 * * *

In other news, my landlord has finally decided to fix the foundation on the house I’m renting from him. Thank goodness! He’s renewing the wiring too, which isn’t something my fiance and I anticipated or even asked for so I’m quite excited. The unfortunate part is that it’s going to take a week or two to fix everything that actually needs fixing, so hopefully they get it done fast. They’ve been here since Monday.

Would you believe they actually created a hole in the foundation and then redid it? Now there’s an even bigger breeze going through my basement into the house. I’m so blah about it. I mean, they’re fixing it – you can tell – and I think they poured cement into it today, but still… a hole?! Gah. I just don’t understand these people.

And I’m only going to mention this briefly because I’m so ashamed with myself: I haven’t written on my NaNoWriMo novel since my last update. I’M SO ASHAMED!!!!!

Oh, and the WiiFit is down. Apparently I weigh 300-something pounds now. Just saying, I did NOT gain over 90 pounds in 1 week. I definitely don’t look like I did. Besides, I’m down a dress size. Oh, and my fiance didn’t gain over 100 pounds either. I saw him when he weighed almost 300 pounds and what he looks like now is SO not it. Stupid WiiFit.

But on the up-side, my fiance is a working man again! He got a job that pays $10/hour today! And he starts tomorrow! It’s a 12-hour rotating shift; he works three days on, three days off. I’m not sure about much else than that. I mean, I know he’s a trainee for now, but other than that…. ^^;;

I guess things are starting to look up for us finally! Something bad will happen sooner or later, but until that happens, I will continue to relish in my happiness. My three children are my most precious and my fiance is the love of my life.

I’m happy. Truly, wonderfully happy. ❤

Things Are Coming Along. :)

WOOT!

I made it past 7000 words overall with my NaNoWriMo novel! I wrote over 2000 words tonight! That’s a new record for me! It’s craziness! I have to say, the @NaNoWordSprints on Twitter really help motivate me because, even though they give the option of using a prompt, I almost never do I just use the times they give to help motivate myself into thinking “you have to write /this much/ in /this amount/ of time”. I don’t know why it helps me so much, but I think if I had been doing this every year I would have finished my novels, or would have gotten much farther in them. I can’t wait to see where my novel leads. (Even though, y’know, I have it plotted out….)

But I’m just rambling. Lol!

In another update: I exercised for over an hour today and NOT just on DDR, thank you very much. ;P Lol! I tried very hard to stick to my diet today, but it was very hard. Cause, y’see, today was my fiance’s birthday and we had to celebrate a little bit. So we had cake and ice cream. And pop. But only two glasses of pop! (It was Dr. Pepper.) And I only had one piece of cake. So I didn’t do too horribly bad, but I’m probably going to need to exercise a bit extra tomorrow.

Oh! Something is happening that hasn’t happening in MONTHS. My mom has agreed to take my kids for the weekend – as in, Friday through Sunday. I’m dropping them off tomorrow afternoon with the instructions: no sweets, keep the youngest two seperated at night and they’ll sleep fine, and they get a cough at night. Then I’m probably going to go run off and be merry. And sleep a lot.

This is, by all means, my vacation weekend. And yes, I know that sounds bad because my kids are gone. But did you know that studies have been done and have shown that a couple with kids needs to have at least 1-2 days per month away from their children for personal/private time whether it’s with each other or not. If you  don’t then stress gets too high and things turn ugly. Apparently everybody in my household has super patience and self-control because nothing has happened since around May-June. ^^;;

But now, I must retire to bed. I am super tired. And slightly slap-happy. Hehe.

Working Toward My Goals – YES!

So I’m proud to annouce that I have successfully reached over 5000 words on my NaNoWriMo novel as of 12:15am, thank you very much! Lol! It excites me to no end to see the fast pace that I’ve been writing. I wrote over 200 words in less than 5 minutes! That’s seriously a record for me. I normally have to stop and think and rethink and I just go crazy! It’s completely insane. I’m happy with how things are going, even if I’m way behind the “set pace” for NaNoWriMo.

And today I found out that DDR is a very good way to exercise. Anybody who doesn’t know what DDR is, is crazy. Anybody who DOES know what it is, is completely friggin awesome in my book. My fiance has it for, get this, PLAYSTATION 2!!! Yeah. Kinda crazy. It’s a relatively old system, especially since we have a Wii, too. We’re just nutso like that. 😉

But we played DDR (we have 3-4 versions of it for the PS2) for around 2 hours and we seriously broke a sweat. I have weak ankles, so I had issues with the jumps, but it was super fun! I love it! I love the music and the challenge and just the overall-ness of it. I used to play DDR when they had it in the arcade at my local mall. That was before I had my oldest child… several years ago… and when I was in high school. (I had my first child the year after I was supposed to graduate.)

But, my fiance is being a butthole and telling me I need to get to sleep (which I do), so I need to get off the computer and go to bed. Le sigh. Maybe I can convince him to play DDR again? Since, y’know, the TV is in our room…. hehe…..

Update: Back or Not? Hopefully!

So, hopefully, I’m back.

I’ve been writing off and on for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) and, as much as it hurts to say it, I’m not doing so well. I’ve got about 3000 words written, but I’m proud of what I do have done and I think that, for once in my life, even if it will take me a month or so longer, I will be able to finish this novel. It’s, slightly, based off of my life. Only how it could have been in an alternate universe. I think it’s cool. Of course, I’m using different names for everybody and changing things that happened. I don’t want it to mirror my life exactly. That would be awkward!

As of yesterday I’ve lost 4 pounds total on my diet. Last week I didn’t do so good with the exercising and I cheated a little. (I ate my oldest’s chicken strips from Burger King – they’re just so yummy!) So this week I’m going double on the exercising, working extra hard to keep with the calorie-count part of the diet, and I’m determined not to cheat no matter how tempting it may be. My mom, when my fiance and I visited her with the kids earlier in the week, said that I already looked like I had lost a little bit of weight and it just… it made me feel so good. It completely lit me up. I want to feel like that again. I want to be able to feel good about how I look in my own skin. I believe I can do that. It’ll just take some time. 🙂

And later this week is not only my fiance and I’s [so many month over a year that you don’t need to know] anniversary, it’s his birthday! So I have a friend who agreed to babysit for the evening on our anniversary and my mom is working on clearing her schedule to keep the children for the weekend – and I’m talking about Friday through Sunday weekend. I’m so excited. We haven’t had any time to ourselves since, I don’t know, May? June? At the very latest July, but I’m not so sure. I’m just excited. ^_^

Ah, yes. My migraine issue. Well, I have good news and bad news. I’m going to be posting again! YAY! Bad news? I still have a migraine. It’s so weird. No type of pain killer will help with it – believe me, I’ve tried – but it’s still there. I’ve just gotten used to it and learned to live with the nausea and sun-sensitivity. It sucks, but that’s life now, I guess.

Annnn~nnnd… that’s it. For now! I’m working on other stuff, mostly my NaNoWriMo novel, so I might still be slow to posting, but I’ll try!

Post-Note: To Prevent Confusion

I feel like I owe some sort of explanation, a post-note of sorts, because there might be some confusion or misunderstanding with some things that I mentioned in my last post: Love & Friendship Prevails. I hope this clears things up. Otherwise, ask me whatever you want. 🙂

In my last post I wrote that I don’t sleep with guys before I get to know them or on the first date. Later on I go on to say that I had given him a blowjob, and further, that I “began sleeping with all those men from the bar for a couple of months”.

I want to point out that that is not who I am.

I was not lying when I first said I don’t sleep with a guy on the first date or before I get to know them. It is no excuse, but as I stated in the post, after being raped three (3) times in such a short period of time, I didn’t feel I was good for much else and I went into a frenzy of depression and any spare moment I had to myself I was out partying, getting drunk, and sleeping with a different guy. It is not an excuse.

To put how worthless I felt in perspective let me tell you a few things about myself.

    • I never went to parties while I was in high school or after high school, even though I was invited.
    • I was a [clueless] virgin until I was 18 years old.
    • I didn’t drink alcohol before I was 21 years old.
    • My children’s father was the third (3rd) guy I had sex with.
    • My children’s father raped me multiple times. He thought I wanted it even though I said no.
    • I didn’t get into any sort of relationship after I left my ex for a year.
    • The first serious relationship I got into, after my divorce, ended when he raped me and laughed at me afterward when I was crying and bleeding.
    • He was the fourth (4th) guy I had ever had sex with.
    • I attempted to date another guy three or so months later. I got to know him over several dates. He was the fifth (5th) guy I had sex with.
    • He never spoke to me again after we had sex.
    • Less than six months after the previous rape, I was [date] raped at my best friend’s belated birthday party.
    • He was, if you count it, the sixth (6th) guy I had sex with.
    • Afterward, I had sex with 10+ men in less than two months. Sometimes more than one at a time.
    • And a couple women. I’m bisexual. I lean toward men.
    • I stopped sleeping with multiple men (and women) when I met the guy I’m dating now.
    • I truly went partying for the first time after the last [date] rape (with the 6th guy). That was, also, when I started going to to the bar every weekend.
    • I didn’t stop partying and drinking for almost six more months; I was an alcoholic.

At the time the date-rape occurred, I was just getting my confidence back in myself and about ready to attempt to date seriously. I never would have slept with him because of my past. Most especially not until I heard what my best friend’s opinion on him was, a thorough opinion, and until I got to know him better. The rape essentially broke me and sent me spiralling into a depression and I tried to bury the memories of it in alcohol, erotic dancing, and more sex.

Do I regret what I did now? Yes. Was there anything I could have done to prevent it? Probably not.

I was one of the lucky ones. I didn’t contract an STD (sexually transmitted disease). I’ve been tested multiple times extensively, especially since I’ve been raped, and I’ve come up clear. Also, since I slept with so many men in so little time, most of the time without a condom, I was extremely lucky I didn’t get an STD.

It was the darkest point in my life. I ignored my children for a social life I shouldn’t have even had. It was a social life of people that wanted to party and get drunk all the time. I kept alcohol in my home, at least two kinds, at all times for several months. Whenever something happened, whenever my kids were gone, I would want to go out and dance and drink and party. There were even times when I knew my children would be gone and I knew I wouldn’t hear from my boyfriend so I went out and partied; my boyfriend didn’t approve of what I was doing and he was trying to get me to stop. I think he knew when I did anyway and didn’t tell me, he just continued to discourage me from doing it.

It’s because of him that I stopped drinking and partying constantly. If it wasn’t for him, I would probably still be in a very bad place.

Since him, though, I have not slept with anyone else, though I have had plenty of offers. (I became known as a bar slut, a reputation I am happy to be rid of.) Since my fiance, I’ve only gotten drunk a handful of times since I truly stopped partying and he was with me each time.

I’m happy now.

Though, I do wish I were able to go dancing more. Drunk or not, I like dancing. 😉

I’m Ba~ack!

So… this month has been crazy hectic.

My last post was written in the time between my fiance and I signing a lease for a house and us starting to move in. It’s been complete chaos since then. Packing things into boxes and plastic totes, shoving random things into the car, moving big things over to the house with my Mom, PLUS the fun time we’ve had switching the electric and water over. Oh, and don’t forget the four or five times we had to try to get Internet. Gah. That was sooooo~ not fun. Even though, y’know, my fiance was the one doing most of the arguing about the Internet blustering. ^^;;

I’m happy to say that we’re most of the way moved in, minus some tables and dressers that my Mom and fiance are going to get tomorrow. Well, the old place needs some cleaning up too before I turn in my keys. Oh. Did I forget to mention it’s my stuff that needs to finish being moved? Yeah. Just my luck. -__-;;

We’re doing pretty good and I’m really excited about finally having a home with my fiance and my three lovely children. It just feels… right… somehow. And I’m glad. It’s not a perfect home, but a first house never is and we’re only renting it for a year or two at most, hopefully. We plan on finishing our college degrees, saving up some money, and then moving to a different – and better – place in a different city. I don’t know if it’ll happen, but you gotta have some sort of plan to get something accomplished eventually, right?

Well, sorry this is so short, but I felt like I needed to write something  now that I have Internet again since it’s been so long. I’ll try and update more, but since we’re still doing the finishing touches on moving in and organizing everything, I might not be able to blog as much as I most definitely want. Again, it’s a work in progress.

Hopefully I’ll write something more interesting. And soon! 😉