Never Woulda Guessed

I’m excited about this. I have to post it.

I went to court earlier this week. I was so nervous. It was against my ex; I was suing him for full custody, back support, and to raise the child support that I’m supposed to be getting. I was afraid of the things he could say; even though I knew I had the advantage I was afraid he would lie about something. Or exaggerate. Anything. I was afraid. Nervous to a worrisome extent.

Then I got to the courthouse with my fiance and a couple friends, meeting my lawyer there 30 minutes before everything started. My lawyer and I discussed everything while my friends kept a look out for my ex, who hadn’t arrived yet. Occasionally they were asked questions too, but that wasn’t a big deal.

The big deal was that by the time court was due to start my ex had not shown up. We deduced that he wasn’t going to.

After vigorous questioning by my lawyer, since it was a fill-in judge in place of the original judge on the case so we had to bring him up-to-date, and giving the judge the “evidence” from the past couple of months, I was astounded by what was decided. I didn’t know it could go the way that it did since my ex wasn’t present.

I was awarded full custody with visitation only when arranged prior with me, with my permission and supervision only. Child support was raised to the maximum per week, which totals to over $1000 per month. And I was awarded all the back support my ex owes me for the past year, which is quite a lot.

Now, if I ever get any of the money that’s owed me is another story. :-/

I’m uber excited about the full custody thing, though! That was my main goal. Sure, the child support thing is going to help out a LOT, but I wanted my children in my care and mine alone. Joint custody obviously wasn’t working out between us and we needed something more steady, especially for the children. I just want the best for them and that’s all I’ve ever wanted. It’s not spite or hate for my ex, even though I do dislike him with a passion; it’s love for my children. I believe in father’s rights… when they deserve it. If he hadn’t done some unforgiveable things to the children, I would have more faith and trust in him. Until he can prove otherwise, though, this is how it will be.

I don’t know why my ex didn’t show up though. He knew about the trial that day. He’d been served a notice that he had to sign for which said what we were going to court about – custody, child support, and everything. He hasn’t tried to contact me or even replied to any of the times I’ve tried to contact him via phone or other modes of communication. And that is part of why I wanted full custody: because I think he’s just dropping out of my children’s lives completely. To make a point: we actually had to search to find his address as he’d moved without giving the courts, or myself (which, legally he should have done), any sort of notification. It only took a couple of days since there were multiple people searching, but the fact of the matter is that we actually had to search for it!

I don’t know, and I’m not sure if I care or not. I do know that despite my anxiety I do believe that I would have felt better if he had come because I believe in a fair trial and without him there to defend himself, then… gah, I don’t know. I guess I just feel that it was a bit unfair, even though I got everything I wanted. Is that weird?

Ramble. Rant. Confusion. WTF?!

Have you ever felt like something was happening around you and you could feel it, but you weren’t sure what it was? I have; I do right now.

It’s odd. It’s like I can almost tell what it is, but when I get close to what it is, something throws me off and then I feel like I’m just standing there, confused. It’s horrible. At times I feel like it has something to do with my ex-husband and the pending court case. I think that he’s planning something and that everything I see or hear about him is just some small piece of a bigger puzzle that he’s putting together; almost like he’s trying to get me to believe certain things with lies and manipulation through other people, by making me too comfortable with how things are going in my life now and then everything will just… explode…. around me.

I know I sound paranoid, but I like I said before, after I start thinking like that and “putting my ideas together” so to speak, something throws me off.

Then I start thinking about moving and renting places. About how my fiance said the other night that he’s getting fed up with people not believing that we have the money or judging us on the fact that he’s a full-time student and not taking his student-loan money as if they’ve never dealt with college students before even though we live in a college area. He said that if we didn’t get this place, or a place in general soon, then he was just going to move to a different place that was cheaper (different from the one he has) that allows his dog and is a one-bedroom.

I hate it because I feel like the world is turning against me. Against me and my children. Against me and my fiance.

And then I feel even worse because I feel like my family just hates me because they never talk to me even though I try to make efforts with them. My mother and my uncle try the best that they can, though they have even better excuses for not being able to than the rest.

The family I’m talking about lives excruciatingly close and only talks to people they feel like, it seems, and favor certain people (aka: certain family members), are major hypocrites and like to talk behind peoples back, exaggerate, and/or lie. I know this, but then again, I don’t. I hate it because I love my family and I don’t want to dislike my family, but it seems like they don’t care about me anyway.

I told one of my family members today that there’s a probability of me moving a decent amount away. She looked at me like I was crazy, like she didn’t expect me to ever do something like that. Seriously? What’s keeping me where I am? Family? I can come visit. Friends? What friends? I have no life. I would have more of a life where I’m hoping to move (though I will say that I’m not too hopeful, unfortunately, so yeah).

My life is just crazy, hectic and out of control. I don’t know what’s happening and yet I know exactly what’s going on. It’s a chaotic mess that, ironically, I know where everything’s at.

I’m too young for a mid-life crisis. Gah. :-/

Anxiety

Something I don’t think I’ve posted on here yet is that I have three kids, three beautiful children. They are my world, my shining light in the darkness.

Unfortunately, they’re biological father is not the person I would like him to be. I divorced him a little over a year ago, leaving him a year prior to the divorce when I found out I was pregnant with my youngest. He was abusive and was trapping me in our home, forbidding me from seeing my family amongst other horrid things.

We share joint custody (I have physical custody), but things have gone horribly wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong. We have never been able to get along since the birth of my oldest. Things only progressed downward from there.

He moved out of state recently. The saying goes “possession is 9/10ths of the law”. I believe that firmly after previous experience and, from the past few days, advice from several people. My ex wants to take my children out of state with him for “visitation”. He gave me an ultimatum: he gets to take them for a week (because of his birthday rights, which is only 9am-9pm on his birthDAY) to where he lives, or we go back to the court-ordered visitation, which would require me to pick them up from the state he lives in – something around 10 hours away. I told my ex that I am unable to afford the trip there and back; his reply was something along the lines of “I guess that I’ll be keeping them until you can come and get them then”. (Which, by the way, if he does that is both a felony and a misdemeanor in my state.)

It’s not just the lack of funds that’s keeping me from wanting my children to go with him. He’s not capable of taking care of them by himself; there is always a de facto guardian (a previous one with whom I am friends with is proof enough). When he does take care of them by himself, they are always returned unbathed and incredibly dirty, unfed and unnecessarily hungry with diaper rashes that are so horrible you cannot even begin to imagine; it takes me two days minimum to get the rash to go away. I do not trust him with their care. At all.

There is also the fact that the state he is living in is a “safe haven” state, so-called. If my ex gets my children over the state line, he will not have to hand them over to me. He will have, technical, full custody. Herein comes the “possession is 9/10ths of the law”. I would lose my children. By letting him take them to said state, it is, by de facto, telling him “Yes, I trust you to care for my children when I am not with them; oh sure, take them out of state for an unknown amount of them even though I don’t know exactly where you’re going”, even though none of that is true. Well, it is true that I no idea where he’s going. He’s given me a basic idea of where he lives. That’s it; he kind of keeps switching back and forth.

But he is supposed to be coming later today and picking them up, even though I now have an order telling him that until a court hearing the children are, technically, are not to leave the state. Yes, I know I am more than likely to get a contempt of court. I would rather that than live without my children.

I’m scared though. More scared than I ever have been in my life. Out of everyone in my family, only two people understand, only two people support me. What I went through in the last divorce and custody battle was hell. Literal hell and nobody helped me through it. I was forced to go through it alone. What I went through when I was married to my ex was even worse and I don’t think anybody believed me; definitely not the judge. Everything that I’m going through now is just bringing all of those memories and feelings back threefold.

I know I am not a bad mother. I love my children with all my heart. I want nothing but the best for them. A good home, a good life, care and love, stability. It’s hard to find such things these days. I can provide these things. I know I can. I have been. My children are so loving. They will just come up to me and say “Mom?” I will turn and say “What, honey?” And my baby will just come up to me and kiss my cheek or hug me then give me a sweet little kiss.

It breaks my heart that all of this could be taken away from me in an instant.

It scares me.

I can only hope for the best and pray that the worst stays far, far, FAR away. Otherwise… I don’t know what I’m going to do.