Never Woulda Guessed

I’m excited about this. I have to post it.

I went to court earlier this week. I was so nervous. It was against my ex; I was suing him for full custody, back support, and to raise the child support that I’m supposed to be getting. I was afraid of the things he could say; even though I knew I had the advantage I was afraid he would lie about something. Or exaggerate. Anything. I was afraid. Nervous to a worrisome extent.

Then I got to the courthouse with my fiance and a couple friends, meeting my lawyer there 30 minutes before everything started. My lawyer and I discussed everything while my friends kept a look out for my ex, who hadn’t arrived yet. Occasionally they were asked questions too, but that wasn’t a big deal.

The big deal was that by the time court was due to start my ex had not shown up. We deduced that he wasn’t going to.

After vigorous questioning by my lawyer, since it was a fill-in judge in place of the original judge on the case so we had to bring him up-to-date, and giving the judge the “evidence” from the past couple of months, I was astounded by what was decided. I didn’t know it could go the way that it did since my ex wasn’t present.

I was awarded full custody with visitation only when arranged prior with me, with my permission and supervision only. Child support was raised to the maximum per week, which totals to over $1000 per month. And I was awarded all the back support my ex owes me for the past year, which is quite a lot.

Now, if I ever get any of the money that’s owed me is another story. :-/

I’m uber excited about the full custody thing, though! That was my main goal. Sure, the child support thing is going to help out a LOT, but I wanted my children in my care and mine alone. Joint custody obviously wasn’t working out between us and we needed something more steady, especially for the children. I just want the best for them and that’s all I’ve ever wanted. It’s not spite or hate for my ex, even though I do dislike him with a passion; it’s love for my children. I believe in father’s rights… when they deserve it. If he hadn’t done some unforgiveable things to the children, I would have more faith and trust in him. Until he can prove otherwise, though, this is how it will be.

I don’t know why my ex didn’t show up though. He knew about the trial that day. He’d been served a notice that he had to sign for which said what we were going to court about – custody, child support, and everything. He hasn’t tried to contact me or even replied to any of the times I’ve tried to contact him via phone or other modes of communication. And that is part of why I wanted full custody: because I think he’s just dropping out of my children’s lives completely. To make a point: we actually had to search to find his address as he’d moved without giving the courts, or myself (which, legally he should have done), any sort of notification. It only took a couple of days since there were multiple people searching, but the fact of the matter is that we actually had to search for it!

I don’t know, and I’m not sure if I care or not. I do know that despite my anxiety I do believe that I would have felt better if he had come because I believe in a fair trial and without him there to defend himself, then… gah, I don’t know. I guess I just feel that it was a bit unfair, even though I got everything I wanted. Is that weird?

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Paranoia and Insecurity

Insecurities. Anxiety. Paranoia. That’s the very definition of me right now. I fret over everything and I’m so, so scared.

I’ve mentioned before that I was married once and divorced said man. I mentioned more recently about the custody issues because he moved out of state. We’ve went to court once and there is a continuation in effect for him to get a lawyer (he showed up pro bono). It’s been nearly three months and there’s nothing on the case, but I’m starting to get worried. He’s starting to get more active in video chats, Skyping, and on various social media he’s claiming he’s a “Mother of Three” now and he’s starting to buy the children toys.

I guess I should mention that my ex-husband is currently in the process of hormone-replacement therapy (HRT) and turning himself into a woman. :-/

(He wasn’t like that when I was with him. Just saying.)

Anyway, he’s doing more for the children, but I’ve got a bad feeling about it. I think it’s for show. I don’t think that he means it. I think that he’s trying to show that he “cares” for our children so that he won’t have to pay as much child support to me, so that I won’t get full custody (like I want), because he’s a spiteful, vindictive, manipulative person. He did this the first time around during out divorce. He lied multiple times and I’m so very scared now. Nobody believed me then and I don’t think anybody will believe me now.

I just want to cry. I want to scream. I want someone to listen to me and believe me and do something about it. I want somebody to help me. So much.

And it’s not just that.

My fiance starting college classes two weeks ago. I understand that college life is tough. This is his second semester since we got together and it’s not any easier. But I never see him. Ever. He spends most of his time at my place because he’s only renting a room at somebody else’s house and, even though it’s cheap, he says it gets slightly awkward when he’s there alone during the day.

So he comes to my place and takes his computer upstairs and is there. The whole time. From early in the morning when he gets here till late at night with, I don’t know, two 20 minute breaks in between? There’s a bathroom upstairs, so no need to worry about that!

I feel like he’s pushing me away. Distancing himself from me. And he said himself that he’s low on money (he’s paying for my Internet and helps with food every now and then), so then why do I see him paying for random things when I pop in upstairs to say “hi” and to see how he’s doing? He’s paying for a Skype account? Why? No, I didn’t snoop on his computer. He was using his computer while I was up there and I saw it. It just made me wonder.

Like I said at the beginning, Paranoid is a pretty basic definition of me right now.

He constantly seems angry or upset and I can’t get him to talk anymore. I just… I don’t know. I’m so scared. I’m losing so much, I’m afraid to lose so much. I know I over-think things and this is probably one of them, but I can’t help it. I don’t have anybody to talk to. He used to be one of the few people I could talk to, but now… I’m afraid to even ask “are you ok?” because he doesn’t like me asking him that question.

Everything’s just backwards and I don’t know what to do.

Like I said earlier, I just want to scream; I want to cry; I just want somebody to listen and help me.

That’s all I need.

I need it so bad it hurts. 😥

Anxiety

Something I don’t think I’ve posted on here yet is that I have three kids, three beautiful children. They are my world, my shining light in the darkness.

Unfortunately, they’re biological father is not the person I would like him to be. I divorced him a little over a year ago, leaving him a year prior to the divorce when I found out I was pregnant with my youngest. He was abusive and was trapping me in our home, forbidding me from seeing my family amongst other horrid things.

We share joint custody (I have physical custody), but things have gone horribly wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong. We have never been able to get along since the birth of my oldest. Things only progressed downward from there.

He moved out of state recently. The saying goes “possession is 9/10ths of the law”. I believe that firmly after previous experience and, from the past few days, advice from several people. My ex wants to take my children out of state with him for “visitation”. He gave me an ultimatum: he gets to take them for a week (because of his birthday rights, which is only 9am-9pm on his birthDAY) to where he lives, or we go back to the court-ordered visitation, which would require me to pick them up from the state he lives in – something around 10 hours away. I told my ex that I am unable to afford the trip there and back; his reply was something along the lines of “I guess that I’ll be keeping them until you can come and get them then”. (Which, by the way, if he does that is both a felony and a misdemeanor in my state.)

It’s not just the lack of funds that’s keeping me from wanting my children to go with him. He’s not capable of taking care of them by himself; there is always a de facto guardian (a previous one with whom I am friends with is proof enough). When he does take care of them by himself, they are always returned unbathed and incredibly dirty, unfed and unnecessarily hungry with diaper rashes that are so horrible you cannot even begin to imagine; it takes me two days minimum to get the rash to go away. I do not trust him with their care. At all.

There is also the fact that the state he is living in is a “safe haven” state, so-called. If my ex gets my children over the state line, he will not have to hand them over to me. He will have, technical, full custody. Herein comes the “possession is 9/10ths of the law”. I would lose my children. By letting him take them to said state, it is, by de facto, telling him “Yes, I trust you to care for my children when I am not with them; oh sure, take them out of state for an unknown amount of them even though I don’t know exactly where you’re going”, even though none of that is true. Well, it is true that I no idea where he’s going. He’s given me a basic idea of where he lives. That’s it; he kind of keeps switching back and forth.

But he is supposed to be coming later today and picking them up, even though I now have an order telling him that until a court hearing the children are, technically, are not to leave the state. Yes, I know I am more than likely to get a contempt of court. I would rather that than live without my children.

I’m scared though. More scared than I ever have been in my life. Out of everyone in my family, only two people understand, only two people support me. What I went through in the last divorce and custody battle was hell. Literal hell and nobody helped me through it. I was forced to go through it alone. What I went through when I was married to my ex was even worse and I don’t think anybody believed me; definitely not the judge. Everything that I’m going through now is just bringing all of those memories and feelings back threefold.

I know I am not a bad mother. I love my children with all my heart. I want nothing but the best for them. A good home, a good life, care and love, stability. It’s hard to find such things these days. I can provide these things. I know I can. I have been. My children are so loving. They will just come up to me and say “Mom?” I will turn and say “What, honey?” And my baby will just come up to me and kiss my cheek or hug me then give me a sweet little kiss.

It breaks my heart that all of this could be taken away from me in an instant.

It scares me.

I can only hope for the best and pray that the worst stays far, far, FAR away. Otherwise… I don’t know what I’m going to do.