Work, Write, Love

There are so many things wrong right now. It’s ridiculous. I’m thinking too much and everything is driving me crazy. I think I’m getting slightly depressed because I’m stuck inside all the time recently because of the weather, with all of this cold and snow that’s been coming through everywhere here in the eastern United States. I guess it doesn’t make anything better when my fiance is working overtime because one of his co-workers is so badly injured that he isn’t able to work for the next two (2) months, so him and his other co-workers are putting in an exponential amount of extra hours to cover for him. This week, alone, he’s worked over sixty (60) hours. While, yes, the paycheck’s going to be lovely and both of us are looking forward to it… I miss him. I miss him a lot and I don’t get to spend enough time with him. We used to spend more time with each other. Hell, when my aunt was living with us we saw more of each other then, than we do now and we had severe privacy issues back then!

But all of this is just me ranting and raving. I need to get it out of my system. I have nobody – absolutely no one – to talk to about all of this.

I don’t have any close friends. I don’t really trust my family with personal information any more. It’s come to the point that the therapist who stops by bi-weekly to help with my child in his development (he’s a little behind, y’see) is easier to talk to than anybody else… except, of course, my fiance. But then it comes down to the fact that he’s never here and when he is, he seems to be sleeping because he’s so worn out from working. We never talk anymore. We never spend time with each other. We don’t even have money for a single Valentine’s Day dinner, I’ve come to find out.

I’m trying to figure out his schedule so that maybe I can arrange my mother and stepfather to babysit the children for a night or two so that my fiance and I can just have a night to ourselves and we can just, I don’t know, go out. Spend time with each other. See a movie. Have dinner. Go to a bar. Just have fun with each other. It’s not a big deal. The whole point, nonetheless, being is that we just need to spend time with each other. Without the children. Every couple does.

I feel like I’m losing him. And maybe it’s just me. I know I get paranoid sometimes and I definitely know that I have a tendency to overthink things, but it seems like my fiance and I have been growing distant from each other as of late and I don’t like it. Not one bit.

I know he loves me though. I need to stop being paranoid. The signs are there that he loves me. I’m letting too many things build up inside of me. Little things. Reminders from my past; things that people have said to me that are starting to get to me. It’s unfair and I don’t like it. I know what he’s really like. But again, that’s the problem. The little things that are wiggling their way into my mind are making me doubt stuff like that and, in my mind, if I really love my fiance I shouldn’t ever doubt him. I know that nobody is perfect; I know that no relationship is perfect, but I can’t help but continually wonder if something’s going wrong or if… just if.

I’ve wandered into “what if” categories. I really don’t think that’s a good sign.

A good sign, though, I think, is that he is the one person (not including my children) that I can’t picture myself without. I think and think and think, and then it occurs to me that we already act like we’re married. We share bills, rent, a home, chores, cooking (though, I will admit he does the majority when he’s not working); we share decisions and we compromise. We actually talk about where we’re heading in the future – where we want to go, in the sense of “when we finally get a house of our own and not this place, we’ll…” or “when we’re more financially stable we’ll take a trip to *example place* with the kids… they’d love it”. It makes my heart just grow and burst with such warmth. I feel like squealing and crying from happiness sometimes.

And, y’know, I guess it’s also probably a really good sign that when I’m reading my romance novels or watching my romantic-comedies (*cough* chick-flicks), or any sort of movie or book that has a significant amount of romance in it, I picture the leading female as myself and the leading male as my fiance. Especially once they start dating; especially if it’s starting to get more romantic. The thing is, though, it doesn’t have to be the “more romantic” parts. I have a wild imagination, and if I can picture my fiance and I doing something similar – then we’re in whatever book or movie I’m watching or reading at the time.

I love him and I’m in love with him. I’m not convincing myself of this. I’ve known it for about a year and a half now. My feelings have not faded; they’ve only grown stronger. I guess, though, I didn’t anticipate all of the other emotions – the stress, anxiety – that would come with it.

But he makes me feel beautiful. He makes me feel whole. He makes me feel complete. With him, I am me and no one else. I don’t have to be. He feel in love with me at my worst and has helped me pick up the pieces. I truly believe he loves me for who I am. It’s just hard to believe sometimes. It’s a scary thought… to have found somebody so completely right for me that they’re willing to accept all of my fuck-ups & help me through my rough patches. It’s hard to comprehend to have found somebody who loves me even if my family is so against the relationship, or just completely horrible in their own right but he still loves me because, well, because my family does not define me. My family is not who I am. Just because I am related to them by blood does not always mean they are my family.

And he accepts me. And he loves me. And he loves my children.

That’s all that matters.

Fuck the world. We don’t need anyone else. Nobody else’s opinion matters.

Just ours.

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Dear Self,

I wish to tell you so many things that you already know. Please listen, for even though you might not understand my advice now and the reasons I am giving it to you, it will come in handy to you. Your heart will not be broken and so many things will not go wrong.

Do not make rash decisions – they will come back to bite you in the butt and you will hate it. Believe me, I know. You’ve probably heard from many members of your family by now that you should stand up for yourself, but that doesn’t mean doing the first thing that you think of; most of the time it is the wrong decision.

However, you should stand up for yourself. Don’t let others push you around and do not always believe what they say. People lie. There will always be someone who will try to take advantage of you, no matter how trusting you may be. So be cautious when you choose your friends. They will make up how you go through school and, further than that, life.

There is a saying: “It’s better to have one friend that you can trust with your life than ten with whom you barely know.”

Let that be a sort of guide as you go through your middle to high school years. Do not be someone that you are not – do things that you actually like and don’t give in to peer pressure. Be assertive and stand up for yourself when others try and take advantage of you or make fun of you.

In the process, though, do not lose who you are. Do not shove all of your emotions to the pits of your heart and lock them away. If you do that, you will not know who you are or what you want. You will just confuse yourself even more than you need to.

When something in your life goes wrong, face it head on. Don’t run away in fear of your problems or what lies ahead. Things will always go wrong, but there is no need to worry! Help will always come in some form or another; you just have to know where to look.

Always open your eyes to new things. You should not limit yourself to just one “something” or another.  While you may not always understand what another person is saying, or what he or she means, you should try to see it from their perspective. While it may seem confusing or stupid to you, if you look through their eyes, it could make all the difference.

Always try hard at what you do and never do anything by half. You will do more that way, and get places faster.  I am sure, though, that someone has told you that.

Do not believe what your family says about your Mother. I know what they have said and I have heard things that they do not want you to hear. You should make your own judgments on her, but do not be harsh, for in the future she may be the only person you have to turn to.

Never ever, though, make the mistake of forsaking your morals. You will want to and you will have the chance numerous times but that does not make it right.

I know that your family is prejudiced against many ways of life and many people; you are not. Do not let your fear of being accepted by them stand in the way of being who you are. That, alone, will change your future.

Oh, young one, I hope you take everything to heart. I really do. Though some things may be vague and some of the things that I have said you may not need to remember until years to come, I hope you heed my advice. It will all help you in the end.

Good luck.

Always and forever,
You