Anticipation, Anxiety, & Grrrr

I’m tired; I’m out of energy; I’m nauseous and my breasts are sore. If I’m not pregnant, I want to know what the f*ck is wrong with my body because I never PMS (PreMenstrual Syndrome) symptoms like these. The most I have is a slightly sore lower back the day before I start my period and I don’t even HAVE that. So seriously… WTF?!

I’m not saying I am preggers. I’m not saying I am. The body can seriously play mind games and no matter how well I may know my body and even though I’ve been pregnant twice, it doesn’t matter. One, it’s been three years since my last pregnancy so being pregnant is a mere memory to me; I don’t remember every detail… obviously. Two, well, it’s been three years. My body’s changed since then, therefore symptoms and everything are bound to change. And I’m with a different man. I’ve heard that has something to do with it, but I’m honestly not sure.

That and I really just don’t want to get my hopes up in case I’m not preggers. Getting my hopes up and not being preggers REALLY sucks ass. I hate it. I’ve done that and it hurt. I didn’t like it, so I just try to stay neutral as much as possible. It’s hard, but I just… I just try. I try to remain, I don’t know, scientific, about it? I try to think of it logically? It’s hard to really say. Just that I try to not get emotionally attached to something that I don’t know is real or not. :-/

Le sigh.

Ruined Before It Came

I’m really bad at this updating thing. Gah.

Anyway!

Somebody PLEASE remind me to kick my ex-husband’s ASS because he completely ruined any and all Valentine’s Days to come because of what he did on last year’s Valentine’s Day!!!

I asked my fiance if he wanted to do anything this year for V-Day next month, if he had to work that day, if he wanted me to get a babysitter for the kids and so on and he said he hadn’t really thought about it because everytime he thinks about Valentine’s he gets pissed off to the extreme because of what happened last year.

Oh yeah. What happened last year.

My ex had the kids for the weekend and my fiance and I went on a date a couple hours away – reservations, fancy dress, make-up, nails, heels, and all. And the whole time we were sitting at dinner? My ex was texting me: “when are you coming back?” “are you on your way back yet?” “will you please hurry up?” I got so pissed off that night and we ended up leaving early from our date. It cost, I came later to find out, over $200 for our meal. Like I said: super fancy.

Well, my ex-husband isn’t in the picture at all anymore and I told my fiance that. I’ve reiterated it quite a few times, actually, and said that my mom and stepfather are more than trustworthy enough to take care of the kids and won’t call and ask “when are you coming to get them?”, especially if they know what’s going on or if we schedule ahead of time. I think I’ve got him convinced a little bit, but I think it’s more of me hoping than anything actually happening. Gaaaaah.

I’m gonna hurt my ex-husband so bad.

Well, maybe not literally, but it feels SOOOOOO GOOOOOOOOOOD to “say it out loud”. 😉 Hehehe.

Here’s to hoping things get better!

My Past. My Ex. My Anxiety.

I have to get this out of my system. I don’t know why, all of sudden, it’s bothering me so much. I don’t know why I’m thinking about all of this, forward and backward. I can’t get it out of my mind.

And so I going to write about it. I’m going to post it here.

I will forewarn you: I don’t know how long this post is going to be. Mind, I’m not going to try and make it a long post, but with what I am going to be writing, it might end up longer than anticipated. Please… if you start reading this, don’t be deterred by the long-windedness of my writing. It just kind of happens.

* * *

I was younger then. It was the beginning of a new school year and all of my friends were off to college; I never graduated high school. I was depressed. I had no idea where my life was going. Everyone was gone. I had no one.

And then He shows up.

Day by day, week by week, month by month – they all went by and I lost count. I can’t tell you exactly when everything happened or in what order. I just know that in the end, everything turned to shit. My family hated me; I was ostracized from the people who raised me and the only people I had to turn to were ones I barely even knew.

I was pregnant. I was engaged. I didn’t love the person I was marrying, but I was denying it to myself. Even looking back I can say that honestly. I just stayed with him so the child in my womb wouldn’t have a broken family like I grew up in.

I was an idiot.

He was abusive.

I eventually left him. It took me a while and several attempts; the cops were called several times to settle disputes between us in the process. What finally pushed me to the edge wasn’t a fight, wasn’t really any sort of abuse. It was a lie. I had finally convinced him to try marriage counseling and we decided on a local pastor/Christian couselor, which honestly surprised me because he’s some sort of atheist.

During the session – the one and only session that we went to – we talked things out, I got things off of my chest and told him what was bothering me. Of course, he nagged at me a bit, but in the end we compromised. My biggest “blah” was that he wasn’t helping out enough with our child and was demanding too much of me; he literally did nothing in the house while I was supposed to do everything and make time to shower myself, feed myself… and him. I had enough to deal with when I was taking care of our child and the household. He could cook for himself. Until I found out that he was only an expert at burning water. :-/

But yes, the session went great. I was happy. Suspicious, but happy. I was rightfully suspicious, I came later to find out. Almost every promise, almost every thing that he said he would change and start doing to help out, was broken not three hours later. He had planned on doing something “with the guys” for the whole weekend. I wouldn’t be seeing him for the whole weekend and I had no prior knowledge about it.

We argued again. I yelled, I cried. I gave up. I knew nothing could be done and I left. I packed a bag that night for me and then one for the baby and, on my way out, left him a note on the bed. I called one of my friends and had her pick me up. We were done. I filed for divorce a month later. He was dating another woman two weeks later.

The faux pas then, though, was that I was pregnant. We ended up having to wait over a year for the divorce to be finalized. Within the first six months, he did not contact me to see our already born child, he made no attempt to try and see our child. When we did make it to court, he said that I had denied him his parental rights to see his child and that’s why he never visited the baby.

Two years later and three children together, we’re going through the same thing.

I don’t know what he’s doing. I have absolutely no idea. I know he’s unstable. He’s the type of person that can’t go without a relationship. Literally CAN NOT. He split with his last girlfriend, at most, two months ago and he’s already dating someone else. Before her, it was a couple weeks. Before that relationship, it was around two months.

And I only know that through, y’know, Facebook. ^^;;

It’s been over six months since he’s seen his children face-to-face and he’s made little effort to see them. I don’t know if he’s trying something underhanded, if he’s going for what he did last time, or if he honestly thinks that I just gave up on fighting in court. (He doesn’t think that I’m actually paying my lawyer.) I can’t get into his mindset because I care too much about my children. The three weeks he took them and didn’t allow me contact with them I flipped out. My anxiety level was at an all-time high. I had panic-attacks and I seriously flipped the FUCK out. I’ve never been that way. Ever. My children are my life and not knowing exactly where they were, not having contact with them, threw me in a way I never thought possible.

And because of him I’m paranoid. Proof: my children stayed with my mother this past weekend. I had to call her on Saturday because I was flipping out because my children weren’t with me; I didn’t know how they were exactly. I knew they were alright, but I was flipping out. It was anxiety, near to a panic attack. Relate it to PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), if you must – I know that’s the only thing I can relate it to similarly, though I know it’s not the same thing. What happened to me all those months ago has affected me for life. And it sucks.

But now he’s (my ex) not answering texts. He asked me to text him when it was a good time that him and the children could talk. I did. He never responded. That was weeks ago.

And now he’s not paying child support.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if it’s accidental or not. I mean, I moved; what if because I moved the child support stuff is all blah. Oh, but wait… then I wouldn’t have gotten last month. Or the month before. Right?

So what’s going on?

I’m so confused. And scared. And anxious. Slightly paranoid.

I just want all of this to be over. All of the problems and issues. I want all of it gone. I know it never will be; I’m stuck with that man for life until the children are grown up, and even then, probably not even.

Hopes, wishes, and dreams abound. I just want everything to be well and good again.

Stable is good. 🙂

I’d Rather Not

Back so many weeks ago I posted about one of my friends getting married. I mentioned that I was going to be in her wedding: a bridesmaid. There’s a catch now, and it’s been bothering me for at least two weeks; that’s half the time I’ve known she’s going to be getting married in December.

Last year, for her birthday, there was a big to-do at her place over the weekend. I had to travel out of state for it. It was a month or so before I started dating my fiance. There’s was a dinner and then bar-hopping and then more alcohol back at her place. Lots and lots of alcohol. We played multiple drinking games and everybody ended up getting shit-faced drunk and passing out somewhere. Though, overall, we had fun.

Me? Not so much.

It wasn’t the hangover the next morning. It was in-between that got me. Somebody that was invited, her [current] fiance’s long-time friend, was what happened. To be honest, I don’t remember much. I remember going to take my nightly meds that I’m supposed to take for my epilepsy and when I stumbled into the bedroom she assigned me, he was in the bed. And then… I remember kissing him, but nothing hardcore at all. And there’s black-outs. I kept waking up and I was somewhere else on the bed, in a different position, with less clothing.

I’m going to assume you can figure out what happened. I would rather not relive it again.

The thing is, though. I wasn’t able to tell her everything about what happened within the 48hours after it occurred. I told her some of it, but not all of it. Enough for her to see him as a complete douchebag; though she did tell me that “oh, didn’t I tell you? He’s a complete womanizer and has no respect for women at all” afterward.

I flipped out.

Around a year later I tell her the whole of what happened… or what I can remember of it. I had told my fiance about it and he asked if she knew; he told me I needed to tell her the rest and I did. Afterward, she confronted said guy and she said that he blamed the alcohol.

Now it’s several months later and I have to confront her again. I’m in her wedding. So is he. I can’t be around him. I can’t.

I’ve already confronted her and she doesn’t seem to understand; either that, or she doesn’t believe that any of it actually happened. I’m not sure which to believe. I want her to believe me, but… I just don’t know!

I told her earlier today over the phone that I “wasn’t comfortable being around him”. She said she would talk to her fiance about it, but not before asking me multiple times if I was coming to her wedding.

Yeah. And she asked me that if he gave a “sincere apology” could we work something out?

That hurt. A lot.

Because if he gave an apology now I know it would be forced by her. It’s been over a year later and any time I see him around town he dodges the other way. There’s no way he would willingly apologize and, if he did, there’s no way it would be sincere. I would never believe it, I hate to say.

I don’t know what to do. I really don’t. I hate putting her in this spot, but…

Would you want to be so close to someone who raped you?

* * *

More Than Just Blogging

Hey, all who read this! What’s up?

This is a friendly update to let you know:

Oh yeah, I write more things than what I write on this blog. Did I forget to mention that?

Of course, everybody who’s read the “About” section of my blog probably knows that already. Along with this blog I write poems, short stories, and am working on various novels and novellas. I do have two poems in print, and they won first and second prizes in widespread contests, but that was at least five years ago. It’s harder now, at least it seems like it.

I’m not big on posting my writings on the Internet, but I found a site that I’m willing to do so. Earlier in the month I posted the link in the upper right corner: deviantART is the name of the site.

But that’s not necessarily what I meant either.

Sure, that’s the majority of what I meant, but not the full story so to speak.

I thnk I’ve mentioned this before, but I when I write, I write with meaning. Sure, it doesn’t always seem so and I know for a fact that sometimes I rant, but can you honestly say that at some point in time you haven’t learned from someone else’s mistake? Or that you’ve never read something someone wrote and it just clicked with you, even though it was one of the most random things you’ve ever read?

That’s what I do.

I try to write about things I know; I will never write otherwise. To me, that’s like lying. Why would you write about something if it wasn’t dear to your heart or affected you in some way?

I’ve written about the measles; it was an informative article, sort of, but it also told you why I was writing it. I wrote that article because my son had contracted it because even though he’d been vaccinated. Did you know that now there’s articles going up about “anti-vaccination protests” and “parents for vaccines not speaking up”? It’s a contradiction, but a story for another post.

I’ve written about government programs and income problems; I’ve written about moving and renting houses. I’ve done before and after articles as I try to work out where I went wrong.

Can you tell me that if you were going through the same problems and saw the articles that it wouldn’t have helped you in some way?

It’s all in the way that you look at it.

Write. Read. Help. Inspire. Realize. Hope.

There’s more to writing than just words.

deviantART – KCmoonchild’s page

Exciting Day Ahead… Hopefully

Yes, yes, I know. It’s so late that it’s ridiculous. Blame my children. They’re sick and have their sleep schedule off. Well, sort of . They’re kind of sleeping at all hours of the day and just randomly getting hyper at random moments of the day – or night, in this case.

Anyways!

I have happy, joyous news! My fiance and I have finally saved up enough money to get a house together! Here’s the kicker, though: now we have to find one! There seems to be absolutely NONE available in the general area we wanted to move. I don’t want my oldest child to transfer schools, which I might end up having my baby transfer anyway. So that’s going to suck if it ends up happening. I called on four different houses in the past two days and, get this, all of them were sold or rented out less than a week before my call. I think I’m jinxed. I told my fiance he needed to start making the calls for houses because I have bad luck with it.

BUT! We’re supposed to be going to look at a place later today, so I have hope. Friday the 13th is a lucky day for my fiance and I, believe it or not; we originally got together on a Friday the 13th and our wedding date is going to be on one as well! Neither of us is very superstitious, if at all, so it’s all just kind of fun to me and him. We love the idea of it.

I’m getting off topic, though.

We want to find a place within a week, preferably, at most two, so we can move into said house by the end of the month and we won’t have to pay our individual rents. I have to give a “30 day notice” to my apartment complex before I move out anyway, along with cleaning out the apartment and mending any possible mishaps that may have happened. There do happen to be some holes in the walls from baby gates. Bleh.

I’m very excited though. I can’t wait! We searched for a picture online of the house earlier that we’re going to look at tomorrow (we have the address – well, my fiance does) and it looks nice. It’s fenced in, so it’s safe for the children to play outside in the backyard. It has two-levels with 3 bedrooms AND an office and large kitchen. I’m so excited. The office will help my fiance and I since both of us have a large book collection and seperate computers that we both work on. Plus, I’ll be starting college courses in the spring, finally, so I’ll be on the computer more.

I really hope we get the house! I can’t say it enough! I’m just so excited! Wish my fiance and I luck! [Please? Lol!]

Blinded by Love… or Obsession?

So, if any of you haven’t quite gotten the point yet from my previous posts: I’m getting engaged, have been engaged and am planning on getting married this upcoming summer. It’s been in the works for a good six months and I’m super excited, despite it being my second marriage.

But that’s not what I want to talk about.

Have you ever had that friend, family member, or even acquaintance from work who just kept going back to the same person (normally a woman back to a man, but it’s happened the other way around) over and over again? You keep trying and trying to convince the person not to go back because of various reasons (and, I’m sorry, but I’m going to act like it’s a woman going back to a man – I hate stereotyping): “he treats you badly”, “he’s done this before, he’ll do it again”, “you shouldn’t have to put up with his partying and belittling”, and so many other things.

I’ve said that and so much more to many people in my life. I’ve had it said to me in a couple of my previous relationships.

Two days ago, someone I consider one of my closest (and definitely my longest) friends called me and told me she was getting married in December. I was stunned. I had no idea what to say. I wanted to be the best friend that squealed over the phone and was “uber happy” for her, but I just couldn’t. Not genuinely.

Why, you ask?

She’s been engaged to this man three – seperate – other times. They started dating, for the first time, nearly ten years ago and since then have broken up nearly ten to fifteen times up until now. She only got engaged, this time around, near the March/April time. She didn’t tell me, or anybody, about it right away. There’s not a lot of people that are genuinely happy with her current fiance to my knowledge.

But again, it’s not that.

He’s a horrible person and people like him don’t change over night.

Barely a year ago I had to literally talk her out of suicide, twice, in one night because of something he said to her and then projected to his friends because he decided it would be okay for them to hear it. He was cruel. She decided to start driving, her goal four and a half hours away, while crying so hard she could barely see and talking to me on the phone. I could barely hear her the music in the background was so loud.

That night she ended up coming over to my house and getting drunk. A couple hours after she arrived, and had drank half a bottle of vodka, she decided she was going to call her boyfriend (at the time) to make sure he was okay and that she “hadn’t hurt his feelings earlier”. I told her to not to, that it was a bad idea because he obviously didn’t care enough about her to even ask. She had told him how she was feeling: lonely, depressed, and such – and he just blew it off like it was nothing.

He wanted to go to a bar and drink and smoke and party with his pals. She didn’t. She’s not into that.

My friend claims that he’s changed. That he doesn’t do that anymore. That he wants to settle down now, that he wants to have babies with her and he’s got a good steady job.

I told her she should wait until they’ve been in a steady relationship, without breaking up in-between, for over a year and then see how it goes. They’ve been together this round for less than me and my fiance have been and they’re getting married before us? WTF? I know they’ve known each other for several years and dated multiple times with multiple breaks, but still… it’s flawed reasoning. It doesn’t seem right.

It’s too rushed.

I feel bad for her, in the long run. I have this feeling something bad is going to happen. Last April (2012) I was sitting in my room on my bed helping her plan her wedding for that October 2013.

They ended up breaking up in June 2012 and getting together right before Thanksgiving. Right in time for him to move in with her like they originally had planned before the break-up. And now they’re engaged. Oh, wait, now they’re going to be married in three months.

And apparently I’m the maid of honor.

Somebody please shoot me. I don’t want to have to lie in a church. And I don’t want her to end up hurt, because she won’t listen to me. Or anybody for that matter. I can wish all I want, but it’s like a disease, a mental disorder, something. She’s just so used to him that she can’t live without him. It’s less like love and more like obsession.

All I can hope for, I guess, now is that everything works out in the end and that he really has changed.

I hope, I hope, I hope.