Crazy, crazy, crazy

So there’s a bit going on now. Life is moving along, I’m happy to announce! ^_^

Unfortunately, that also means that my blog is going to be updating a bit slower for the next couple weeks. I’m going to try and update it every couple days, but there’s a lot going on right now and I’m not sure I’m going to be able to manage it. Plus I’m switching Internet providers because the one I have right now sucks.

My family and I have been in contact with each other a lot more in the past couple of days which actually surprises me. I’m glad, though. I miss talking to my family. I’m not always fond of them or how they treat me or my decisions, but they’re my family and I love them.

I think it’s all of the stress that’s been going around (and yes, I know it’s not a contagion or sickness). They’ve been calling to ask about my children and if they’re doing any better, if they’re still sick. I repeat the same thing over and over again: they’re fine and, no, they’re not sick anymore. It seems to placate them about that topic at least.

But there are other things. Specific things to each individual. I’ve talked to both of my aunts and my mother. Everything’s changing and something is going to explode. I caught my aunt in a lie to my mother the other night and I pointed it out to my mom. She wasn’t happy about being lied to, but I can’t blame her; who would be? It’s more than that, though. There’s more and more that’s building.

I don’t even know how to phrase it. It’s just there. Looming. Like a darkness, a shadow. A presence.

But things are happy now. They’re happy around me. It’s just… when I talk to everybody else I get this mixed feeling inside. There’s something else.

I don’t know. I sound crazy, don’t I?

Advertisements

Ramble. Rant. Confusion. WTF?!

Have you ever felt like something was happening around you and you could feel it, but you weren’t sure what it was? I have; I do right now.

It’s odd. It’s like I can almost tell what it is, but when I get close to what it is, something throws me off and then I feel like I’m just standing there, confused. It’s horrible. At times I feel like it has something to do with my ex-husband and the pending court case. I think that he’s planning something and that everything I see or hear about him is just some small piece of a bigger puzzle that he’s putting together; almost like he’s trying to get me to believe certain things with lies and manipulation through other people, by making me too comfortable with how things are going in my life now and then everything will just… explode…. around me.

I know I sound paranoid, but I like I said before, after I start thinking like that and “putting my ideas together” so to speak, something throws me off.

Then I start thinking about moving and renting places. About how my fiance said the other night that he’s getting fed up with people not believing that we have the money or judging us on the fact that he’s a full-time student and not taking his student-loan money as if they’ve never dealt with college students before even though we live in a college area. He said that if we didn’t get this place, or a place in general soon, then he was just going to move to a different place that was cheaper (different from the one he has) that allows his dog and is a one-bedroom.

I hate it because I feel like the world is turning against me. Against me and my children. Against me and my fiance.

And then I feel even worse because I feel like my family just hates me because they never talk to me even though I try to make efforts with them. My mother and my uncle try the best that they can, though they have even better excuses for not being able to than the rest.

The family I’m talking about lives excruciatingly close and only talks to people they feel like, it seems, and favor certain people (aka: certain family members), are major hypocrites and like to talk behind peoples back, exaggerate, and/or lie. I know this, but then again, I don’t. I hate it because I love my family and I don’t want to dislike my family, but it seems like they don’t care about me anyway.

I told one of my family members today that there’s a probability of me moving a decent amount away. She looked at me like I was crazy, like she didn’t expect me to ever do something like that. Seriously? What’s keeping me where I am? Family? I can come visit. Friends? What friends? I have no life. I would have more of a life where I’m hoping to move (though I will say that I’m not too hopeful, unfortunately, so yeah).

My life is just crazy, hectic and out of control. I don’t know what’s happening and yet I know exactly what’s going on. It’s a chaotic mess that, ironically, I know where everything’s at.

I’m too young for a mid-life crisis. Gah. :-/