Ruined Before It Came

I’m really bad at this updating thing. Gah.

Anyway!

Somebody PLEASE remind me to kick my ex-husband’s ASS because he completely ruined any and all Valentine’s Days to come because of what he did on last year’s Valentine’s Day!!!

I asked my fiance if he wanted to do anything this year for V-Day next month, if he had to work that day, if he wanted me to get a babysitter for the kids and so on and he said he hadn’t really thought about it because everytime he thinks about Valentine’s he gets pissed off to the extreme because of what happened last year.

Oh yeah. What happened last year.

My ex had the kids for the weekend and my fiance and I went on a date a couple hours away – reservations, fancy dress, make-up, nails, heels, and all. And the whole time we were sitting at dinner? My ex was texting me: “when are you coming back?” “are you on your way back yet?” “will you please hurry up?” I got so pissed off that night and we ended up leaving early from our date. It cost, I came later to find out, over $200 for our meal. Like I said: super fancy.

Well, my ex-husband isn’t in the picture at all anymore and I told my fiance that. I’ve reiterated it quite a few times, actually, and said that my mom and stepfather are more than trustworthy enough to take care of the kids and won’t call and ask “when are you coming to get them?”, especially if they know what’s going on or if we schedule ahead of time. I think I’ve got him convinced a little bit, but I think it’s more of me hoping than anything actually happening. Gaaaaah.

I’m gonna hurt my ex-husband so bad.

Well, maybe not literally, but it feels SOOOOOO GOOOOOOOOOOD to “say it out loud”. 😉 Hehehe.

Here’s to hoping things get better!

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My Past. My Ex. My Anxiety.

I have to get this out of my system. I don’t know why, all of sudden, it’s bothering me so much. I don’t know why I’m thinking about all of this, forward and backward. I can’t get it out of my mind.

And so I going to write about it. I’m going to post it here.

I will forewarn you: I don’t know how long this post is going to be. Mind, I’m not going to try and make it a long post, but with what I am going to be writing, it might end up longer than anticipated. Please… if you start reading this, don’t be deterred by the long-windedness of my writing. It just kind of happens.

* * *

I was younger then. It was the beginning of a new school year and all of my friends were off to college; I never graduated high school. I was depressed. I had no idea where my life was going. Everyone was gone. I had no one.

And then He shows up.

Day by day, week by week, month by month – they all went by and I lost count. I can’t tell you exactly when everything happened or in what order. I just know that in the end, everything turned to shit. My family hated me; I was ostracized from the people who raised me and the only people I had to turn to were ones I barely even knew.

I was pregnant. I was engaged. I didn’t love the person I was marrying, but I was denying it to myself. Even looking back I can say that honestly. I just stayed with him so the child in my womb wouldn’t have a broken family like I grew up in.

I was an idiot.

He was abusive.

I eventually left him. It took me a while and several attempts; the cops were called several times to settle disputes between us in the process. What finally pushed me to the edge wasn’t a fight, wasn’t really any sort of abuse. It was a lie. I had finally convinced him to try marriage counseling and we decided on a local pastor/Christian couselor, which honestly surprised me because he’s some sort of atheist.

During the session – the one and only session that we went to – we talked things out, I got things off of my chest and told him what was bothering me. Of course, he nagged at me a bit, but in the end we compromised. My biggest “blah” was that he wasn’t helping out enough with our child and was demanding too much of me; he literally did nothing in the house while I was supposed to do everything and make time to shower myself, feed myself… and him. I had enough to deal with when I was taking care of our child and the household. He could cook for himself. Until I found out that he was only an expert at burning water. :-/

But yes, the session went great. I was happy. Suspicious, but happy. I was rightfully suspicious, I came later to find out. Almost every promise, almost every thing that he said he would change and start doing to help out, was broken not three hours later. He had planned on doing something “with the guys” for the whole weekend. I wouldn’t be seeing him for the whole weekend and I had no prior knowledge about it.

We argued again. I yelled, I cried. I gave up. I knew nothing could be done and I left. I packed a bag that night for me and then one for the baby and, on my way out, left him a note on the bed. I called one of my friends and had her pick me up. We were done. I filed for divorce a month later. He was dating another woman two weeks later.

The faux pas then, though, was that I was pregnant. We ended up having to wait over a year for the divorce to be finalized. Within the first six months, he did not contact me to see our already born child, he made no attempt to try and see our child. When we did make it to court, he said that I had denied him his parental rights to see his child and that’s why he never visited the baby.

Two years later and three children together, we’re going through the same thing.

I don’t know what he’s doing. I have absolutely no idea. I know he’s unstable. He’s the type of person that can’t go without a relationship. Literally CAN NOT. He split with his last girlfriend, at most, two months ago and he’s already dating someone else. Before her, it was a couple weeks. Before that relationship, it was around two months.

And I only know that through, y’know, Facebook. ^^;;

It’s been over six months since he’s seen his children face-to-face and he’s made little effort to see them. I don’t know if he’s trying something underhanded, if he’s going for what he did last time, or if he honestly thinks that I just gave up on fighting in court. (He doesn’t think that I’m actually paying my lawyer.) I can’t get into his mindset because I care too much about my children. The three weeks he took them and didn’t allow me contact with them I flipped out. My anxiety level was at an all-time high. I had panic-attacks and I seriously flipped the FUCK out. I’ve never been that way. Ever. My children are my life and not knowing exactly where they were, not having contact with them, threw me in a way I never thought possible.

And because of him I’m paranoid. Proof: my children stayed with my mother this past weekend. I had to call her on Saturday because I was flipping out because my children weren’t with me; I didn’t know how they were exactly. I knew they were alright, but I was flipping out. It was anxiety, near to a panic attack. Relate it to PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), if you must – I know that’s the only thing I can relate it to similarly, though I know it’s not the same thing. What happened to me all those months ago has affected me for life. And it sucks.

But now he’s (my ex) not answering texts. He asked me to text him when it was a good time that him and the children could talk. I did. He never responded. That was weeks ago.

And now he’s not paying child support.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if it’s accidental or not. I mean, I moved; what if because I moved the child support stuff is all blah. Oh, but wait… then I wouldn’t have gotten last month. Or the month before. Right?

So what’s going on?

I’m so confused. And scared. And anxious. Slightly paranoid.

I just want all of this to be over. All of the problems and issues. I want all of it gone. I know it never will be; I’m stuck with that man for life until the children are grown up, and even then, probably not even.

Hopes, wishes, and dreams abound. I just want everything to be well and good again.

Stable is good. 🙂

Hope, hope, hope!!!!!

So, serious “cheat day” on my diet today… but I had a good reason!

Today was my fiance and I’s anniversary! YAY!

We got a babysitter for the kids for 3-4 hours this evening and we went out and had our first real “date night” with just us since somewhere in the May-June area. We had so much fun. It was relaxing and we just enjoyed ourselves, talking and not having to worry every five seconds about the kids. It felt nice.

Tomorrow’s my fiance’s birthday, and we have to be home for most of the day because the gas is FINALLY getting turned on (we have heat, but the gas is a differet story altogether). They didn’t give us a time, though, so we’re winging it; they did say they’d call 30 minutes before they came. I hope they stick to that because tomorrow is ALSO my oldest child’s picture day and since he’s only in preschool I have to go to the school and help and I’m not sure how long that’s going to take. I’ve pretty much decided that I’m just going to leave my cell phone in the car with my fiance and if they call while I’m in the school then he can call the school, leave a message for me and then come and pick me up later, I guess. If worse comes to worst. ^^;; Lol!

As for my NaNoWriMo novel…. well, um…. I wrote about 400-500 more words today. And for most of the day, my children were really cranky, so I was soothing them. I don’t know why they were. It’s something I’m trying to figure out.

But anyway, I just haven’t had much time to write today. I’m just now writing this and then I plan on heading to bed. Well, I think me and my fiance are going to play a couple rounds of DDR, because it’s awesome and it really does exercise you a bit. (He made the comment earlier that he can already feel the difference in his muscles in his legs.) I hope to write more tomorrow, though! And through the weekend! My mom’s supposed to keep the kids Friday through Sunday, but I haven’t heard back from her yet. Hope, hope, hope!!!!

Sickness and Health [Problems]

It’s been a couple of days since I’ve last posted, I am sad to say, but I promise I have good excuses. 😉

If anybody can protest that having three children with bronchiolitis (information below) and dealing with health issues myself, then I will gladly give over on my excuses. But seriously, bronchiolitis sucks! And I feel horrible for my children! Apparently they’ve had it for a while, but I thought it was just a cold. Stupid symptoms. Grrrr…. >:-/

Anyway, I’ve been working on a bunch of things when I got the chance, such as when my little ones were down for naptime or sleeping during the night. I normally feel asleep soon after they did, and I try to do housework during the day, to little avail unfortunately, so not much has gotten accomplished.

More specifically, though, I’ve been working on a *very special* blog post that I will hopefully get posted either later this evening or tomorrow sometime. ^_^

I had a neurologist appointment today, for myself actually. I only see him once every 6-12 months normally. It’s not good news this time; my disease is getting worse and less controlled. I’m being put on a trial medicine, weaned off of one as I [slowly] start taking another. It’s been over ten years since I was diagnosed, and many more than five years since they stopped messing with my medicines. I just wish it wasn’t acting up.

What’s worse is that when I mentioned to my neurologist today that I was having speech problems – stuttering, slurring, difficulty talking in general – he got very worried. He said that it was out of the norm for my disease and not an associated side effect of any of my current medications. He said he would be calling me, personally, within a week or two to discuss it further with me. He looked seriously distraught.

That doesn’t leave me with high hopes.

I already know that I’m going to be on medication for the rest of my life. I already know it’s not curable. What else could go wrong? I hate this. I hate having epilepsy, seizures, whatever you want to call them (information below). I was told once that I have every type of seizure there known, most of them being inside the brain. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but it’s a scary thought.

And it what sucks even more? They don’t even know why I have epilepsy in the first place.

Bronchiolitis – MayoClinic.com
Epilepsy – MayoClinic.com

To Those Who Wait

I hope I don’t jinx things with this post. Dear lord, I REALLY hope that I don’t jinx things with this post.

Things have been going so well for me lately. My ex-husband got DCS/CPS called on him about 2 weeks ago and ever since then, the CPS investigation has been going really, really good! The DCS/CPS worker called me and asked me if I had any concerns, while reassuring me that the allegations were NOT against me in any way, shape, or form. I told her everything. The lack of clothing, the dirtiness, the diaper rash, the tardiness, the apparent starvation, the bug bites, the state of his apartment when I go to pick my children up. Literally EVERYTHING. What was even funnier is that she told me over the phone that was pretty much what the report that was filed said.

Anyway, she told me to document everything and take pictures. She’s continuing to follow-up with my ex. I’m trying to find a low-fee attorney. I’m hoping things go in my favor this time because during the divorce, he lied his way through it and got everything he wanted. I’m just thanking everything that he didn’t ask for full custody because he probably would have gotten that too.

I get my babies for Christmas, though! I didn’t last year because he fought it. 😦 I’m friggin ECSTATIC this year! They’re all getting good gifts this year, and not just from me and my fiance. 😀