Work, Write, Love

There are so many things wrong right now. It’s ridiculous. I’m thinking too much and everything is driving me crazy. I think I’m getting slightly depressed because I’m stuck inside all the time recently because of the weather, with all of this cold and snow that’s been coming through everywhere here in the eastern United States. I guess it doesn’t make anything better when my fiance is working overtime because one of his co-workers is so badly injured that he isn’t able to work for the next two (2) months, so him and his other co-workers are putting in an exponential amount of extra hours to cover for him. This week, alone, he’s worked over sixty (60) hours. While, yes, the paycheck’s going to be lovely and both of us are looking forward to it… I miss him. I miss him a lot and I don’t get to spend enough time with him. We used to spend more time with each other. Hell, when my aunt was living with us we saw more of each other then, than we do now and we had severe privacy issues back then!

But all of this is just me ranting and raving. I need to get it out of my system. I have nobody – absolutely no one – to talk to about all of this.

I don’t have any close friends. I don’t really trust my family with personal information any more. It’s come to the point that the therapist who stops by bi-weekly to help with my child in his development (he’s a little behind, y’see) is easier to talk to than anybody else… except, of course, my fiance. But then it comes down to the fact that he’s never here and when he is, he seems to be sleeping because he’s so worn out from working. We never talk anymore. We never spend time with each other. We don’t even have money for a single Valentine’s Day dinner, I’ve come to find out.

I’m trying to figure out his schedule so that maybe I can arrange my mother and stepfather to babysit the children for a night or two so that my fiance and I can just have a night to ourselves and we can just, I don’t know, go out. Spend time with each other. See a movie. Have dinner. Go to a bar. Just have fun with each other. It’s not a big deal. The whole point, nonetheless, being is that we just need to spend time with each other. Without the children. Every couple does.

I feel like I’m losing him. And maybe it’s just me. I know I get paranoid sometimes and I definitely know that I have a tendency to overthink things, but it seems like my fiance and I have been growing distant from each other as of late and I don’t like it. Not one bit.

I know he loves me though. I need to stop being paranoid. The signs are there that he loves me. I’m letting too many things build up inside of me. Little things. Reminders from my past; things that people have said to me that are starting to get to me. It’s unfair and I don’t like it. I know what he’s really like. But again, that’s the problem. The little things that are wiggling their way into my mind are making me doubt stuff like that and, in my mind, if I really love my fiance I shouldn’t ever doubt him. I know that nobody is perfect; I know that no relationship is perfect, but I can’t help but continually wonder if something’s going wrong or if… just if.

I’ve wandered into “what if” categories. I really don’t think that’s a good sign.

A good sign, though, I think, is that he is the one person (not including my children) that I can’t picture myself without. I think and think and think, and then it occurs to me that we already act like we’re married. We share bills, rent, a home, chores, cooking (though, I will admit he does the majority when he’s not working); we share decisions and we compromise. We actually talk about where we’re heading in the future – where we want to go, in the sense of “when we finally get a house of our own and not this place, we’ll…” or “when we’re more financially stable we’ll take a trip to *example place* with the kids… they’d love it”. It makes my heart just grow and burst with such warmth. I feel like squealing and crying from happiness sometimes.

And, y’know, I guess it’s also probably a really good sign that when I’m reading my romance novels or watching my romantic-comedies (*cough* chick-flicks), or any sort of movie or book that has a significant amount of romance in it, I picture the leading female as myself and the leading male as my fiance. Especially once they start dating; especially if it’s starting to get more romantic. The thing is, though, it doesn’t have to be the “more romantic” parts. I have a wild imagination, and if I can picture my fiance and I doing something similar – then we’re in whatever book or movie I’m watching or reading at the time.

I love him and I’m in love with him. I’m not convincing myself of this. I’ve known it for about a year and a half now. My feelings have not faded; they’ve only grown stronger. I guess, though, I didn’t anticipate all of the other emotions – the stress, anxiety – that would come with it.

But he makes me feel beautiful. He makes me feel whole. He makes me feel complete. With him, I am me and no one else. I don’t have to be. He feel in love with me at my worst and has helped me pick up the pieces. I truly believe he loves me for who I am. It’s just hard to believe sometimes. It’s a scary thought… to have found somebody so completely right for me that they’re willing to accept all of my fuck-ups & help me through my rough patches. It’s hard to comprehend to have found somebody who loves me even if my family is so against the relationship, or just completely horrible in their own right but he still loves me because, well, because my family does not define me. My family is not who I am. Just because I am related to them by blood does not always mean they are my family.

And he accepts me. And he loves me. And he loves my children.

That’s all that matters.

Fuck the world. We don’t need anyone else. Nobody else’s opinion matters.

Just ours.


Update? ;) Lol

So it’s totally been awhile but things have been uber hectic around here. I thought everyone (if anyone is still reading this, lol) deserved a brief update, at least, to know that I’m still alive! 😉

Basically, since Thanksgiving, hell’s been let loose in the general area. I have a basic civil war going on in my family and I’m stuck in the middle. Gotta love it. Right now I’m housing one of my aunt’s because she was kicked out of another family member’s house because they were just “sick and tired of her shit” and I’m the only one who is willing to listen to my aunt and let her live with me. Can you see just how nice my family is?

Plus, y’know, my house is being worked on, foundation and electricity-wise, and so my electricity bill jump sky-high from last month. Which I can’t afford at all. My food stamps are dropping by over $50 and I can’t afford that either. I’ve had to cancel 2 doctor’s appointments for my children because I can’t afford the gas mileage to take them because money is so tight this month. I hate this. I hate it all. I’m trying so hard, and so is my fiance, but nothing we’re doing is helping.

The only good news that I have is from my oldest child’s teacher who called this morning around noon and said that one of the upper grades does a project every year and chooses a family to get presents for and my child’s teacher thought of us. And she is giving us pull-ups from another mom in my child’s class. I’m so, so grateful. I don’t know what I’d do without little things like that.

Things are slowly looking up. Just hope for more good news in the future. 🙂

Unfair Income Discrimination

Renting problem solved. I think.

One of my children’s therapists rents homes, a family business I believe, and I mentioned to her what happened on Friday to my fiance and I. First of all, she laughed because she knew the woman-landlord and said that she IS very picky and won’t rent to certain people, but more than that, apparently the therapist and her husband went out to eat with the woman-landlord (Donnie, her name was, I think) on Saturday night and she mentioned that “a set of twins got into the black enamel paint that I just painted the stairs”. I was talked about! Great. -__-;;

Anyway, the therapist told me that it’s kind of good that I won’t be moving there because it’s not a very good neighborhood (I don’t know the town, I’m not from there, but she is) and it’s mostly druggies and has lots of break-ins. I told her the area looked nice, as did the houses. I’ll trust her though. Since she actually rents houses in that town, one would have to assume she knows the area fairly well!


She told me that it doesn’t look good that neither my fiance nor I have a job. I don’t because I’m not allowed to work per SSI rules. Well, actually, per my doctor’s orders and until that’s lifted, I’m stuck at home. Which sucks.

My fiance, on the otherhand, doesn’t work because he’s a full-time student in college. He’s taking 5 classes and even though he’s studious, reading chapters and trying to get ahead so when he actually gets to the assignment and the class he’ll be prepared he won’t have to worry so much, but he just isn’t able; there’s so much to do in life. He’s told me before already that he’s a slow reader and that’s one of his big problems. He’s behind in one of his classes and I just feel so bad; he’s trying so hard!

I’ve heard that a lot of people won’t even consider college students for renting their apartments or houses to.

But apparently one of us needs to be working, because paying until January just doesn’t fit it. And they won’t accept the fact that I’m on SSI, TANF, and other government programs. Gah.

I call discrimination.

We have the money. We’re able to move in, but noooo~ we can’t because we don’t have jobs? Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I hate it, but I have to live with it. I’ll deal with it because I have no other choice.

Hopefully things will change. Soon.

House-Hunting FAIL

So, I need a little bit of advice.

Well, erm, that is to say… my fiance and I do. :-/

As I previously posted, my fiance and I finally have the money to rent a house. We’re planning on paying deposit, first month’s rent and 3-5 more months of rent. We have a decent amount of money, especially since my fiance just got his financial aid from his university.

Buuuuut~ apparently that’s not good enough. I’m a stay-at-home mom with minimal money living off of the government; I’ve said a few times that I am and I didn’t think it was such a big deal. I mean, almost everybody in the county I’m living in seems to be on some sort of government program. Of course, there are those people who aren’t that overreact, or those people from out of state or a different county that look down upon me. It’s kind of blah, but that’s different.

Well, actually, even the people on certain governmant programs look down upon it, but I’m getting off topic.

Point is, I didn’t think it too unusual, too big of a deal, until today.

My fiance and I went to see a house we were thinking about renting today. The ad sounded good and we were hopeful. Well, things aren’t always as they seem. We got to the house (it was in a different county) and he went in to announce that we had arrived and to make sure that we could bring in the children; they said we could, so he came back and he helped me round up the little ones and we all went in.

It was a woman landlord, first off. No, I’m not sexist (obviously – I’m a female too, lol), but I will admit to expecting a man to be the landlord. I’ve never really met a female one in my experience. First time for everything, I guess. Anyway, she seemed very friendly and talkative, cooing on about the kids. Then she started asking questions, though it was expected as we were there about the house she was still fixing up.

She asked about our income, how we expected to pay. My fiance told her point-blank that we’d pay her up-front through February and when February came around he’d pay her the other half up-front. I had already replied about my income. What we didn’t expect, and was kind of rude of her actually, was her to turn to me after my fiance spoke to her and say “Well you don’t get enough per month to pay for rent and utilities.”

Honestly. My jaw dropped. I was soooo offended. It was like she just blew off what my fiance said, like she didn’t believe him.

I replied to her though. I told her, once again, how much I got per month. She just seemed to look at me with this false innocent look and then say, almost like she knew that I was offended and didn’t care – false sense of innocence again – “Oh, so you’re on foodstamps?”

I nodded my head at her and told her that “Yes, I am” and told her of the other various government programs I’m on.

She didn’t seem to look too highly upon me or act as friendly with either me or my fiance after that brief interlude. I just can’t figure it out.

The thing is, though, while the house in general is nice, there are sooooo many things that she so obviously has no idea about.

I’m not a judgmental person by any means. That’s not me bragging, that’s me repeating what other people have told me about myself and finally admitting it outloud (figuratively speaking). I try to think the best of people, give second chances and all that jazz that most people take for granted and think is lacking in the world. Well, let’s face it, I grew up with my grandparents so I’m a little old school, so to speak.


This lady-landlord – Donnie, I think her name was – was REpainting every room, along with painting the stairs. As my fiance and I were coming into the house she had just finished painting the stairs: black. She painted the stairs black. That’s HUGE hazard! You can’t see stairs in the dark if they’re painted black! I mean, seriously?

And she was painting every room a different color. A different BOLD color. The living room had a deep burgundy ceiling and the room off of it, I think it was supposed to be some sort of office, had a Harley Davidson theme: it was bright orange with a stretch of “Harley Davidson” paneling running across the midline. The bathroom was a deep, bright blue, themed ocean. The kitchen was basically connected to the living room, seperated by a bar only, and had black and white tile and yellow paint.

I really don’t think she knew what she was doing.

My fiance and I have discussed it and though we figure she’s not going to choose us because she doesn’t “like us”, it’s probably better that way. She was very unprofessional and she had no idea what she was doing. She had us write our information on INDEX CARDS for crying out loud! I don’t think we would have even signed contracts if we’d gotten it. Either way, we won’t know until sometime next week, though we’re already looking in to other places.

But back to my ORIGINAL dilemma that I never really addressed. Is it really that big of a deal for him to not have a job even though he has proof of his income as do I to mine? According to the fair housing act, it’s discrimination and illegal, but I guess if we really don’t have proof (even though we technically do). It’s just kind of blah. One place we looked at wouldn’t even LOOK at us because my fiance was a full-time student and required a co-signer and was going to up our rent if we “met their standards”. How messed up is that?

I don’t know. Things are going a bit downhill now. I wish things would look up for once.