Friendship Fail.

A month or so ago I posted about my “best friend” who’s getting married later this month and we were having some difficulties because early-mid last year I was taken advantage of in a most deplorable way and he was standing up for her fiance in the wedding. I haven’t fully gotten past what happened back then and I told her that if he was going to be there, if I had to be around him so intimately [because I, too, am in the wedding] then I wasn’t going to be in the wedding and probably not even attend the ceremony or reception.

Back at my other posts, I thought we had patched things up to the point where we determined that he wasn’t going to be coming: not invited, nodda.

I found out earlier today that not only did neither she nor her fiance tell the friend (the guy who date-raped me) that he was no longer invited to the wedding or anything to do with it, I found out the exact opposite! She has been in contact with him, messaging him and questioning him “why the lack of sudden friendship? I hope there’s no hard feelings from when you moved out earlier this year”.

And no, there’s not apparently. As it turns out, “the guy” and my supposed “best friend” are still good pals and she still considers him a very close friend and is very upset with her fiance because he took his friendship with “the guy” for granted and now she’s trying to mend it. Literally. So far, in fact, that she’s trying to get him to stay in the wedding that he dropped out of being in.

Yeah, the same one that I’m in later this month that my “best friend” said he wasn’t even going to be at. Yet, here she is trying to get him to salvage his friendship with her fiance and come to the wedding “because it would mean a lot to him and he wouldn’t have invited you to stand up for him in the wedding if he wasn’t trying in the friendship”.

I’m so friggin pissed. I’m not sure many people have any idea of just how angry I really and truly am.

So basically, I’ve decided that I’ll go. My children aren’t. They’re going to be staying at my mother’s house for, at the very least, the day of the wedding. My aunt is going because MY fiance decided he wanted absolutely nothing to do with her after this particular stunt and that she isn’t worth rescheduling part of his day at work. Honestly? I’m just going to see what exactly she thinks of me. If “the guy” is there, most especially in the Bridal Party, then I’m just walking out and never speaking to her again. It will be her fault and I just don’t care. I’m at the point of almost not going anyway.

I don’t know what she must think of me, but she must think I’m just some little toy, some sort of pawn, to be used and played with and whose emotions are so easily messed with it’s not funny. She must think that I’ll forgive her for anything. And she must not believe what I told her. I’m hurt; I feel betrayed. This is truly the last straw and for more reasons than one.

She’s the reason why my fiance almost broke up with me this afternoon. And that’s a much longer story. Let’s just leave that at with her, there’s been so much drama and it’s causing him to doubt me in several ways.

I’m not a liar and he has no reason to doubt me. I’m hurt, I’m disgusted, and I’m betrayed. I will not lose one of the most important people in my life because of some petty drama. She wants drama, she’ll get it on her wedding day, especially if she’s the cause of it. Using the “but it’s my wedding day” card won’t work on me then.

And I’m normally not such a bitch. I’m just that angry and hurt.

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Friendship Status: Processing

It’s been about two weeks now. I wonder if she’s thought about it, if she’s actually talked about it with her fiance?

What am I talking about it? I’m talking about my “best friend” who’s getting married in December. I’m in the wedding, but so is the man that raped me. I confronted her about it and her response was… not very enthusiastic on my behalf. It was almost as if she was fighting for him instead.

In the time since then I’ve been busy moving but it hasn’t stopped me from thinking about the situation concerning her. My stress level, my anxiety, has went through the roof since that phone conversation those weeks ago. I’ve imagined so many ways that this could turn out, so many different conversations; unfortunately, most of them finish with the ending of our friendship. I can’t help but think “what happened?”

Five years ago she never would have second-guessed me about what I’ve said. Three years ago she would’ve stood by my side through thick and thin. Now, though, everything has changed and I don’t know why. I’ve known her for most of my given life, most of which I’ve considered her to be my best friend.

I’m afraid to her what she’s going to say, if she ever says anything to me at all. Because, like I’ve said, it’s been two weeks and I’ve heard no response about it.

I think she’s avoiding the issue. Maybe she’s afraid too? Maybe she doesn’t want to tell me that she [and her fiance] have decided that I’m “too selfish” and they don’t want me in the wedding at all? Or maybe she would rather tell me face to face? This weekend is going to be the first weekend since our phone confrontation that she’ll be nearby since she goes to college out of state. Or… or maybe she is just avoiding it altogether, avoiding me. It’s possible.

There are so many possibilities out there and I’ve only listed a few. I’ve even thought of the possibility where she and her fiance discuss it and she actually does defend me. Ironically, if she did that, her and her fiance (for the umpteenth time, might I add) would more than likely break-up… again. I think she’s going to choose him over me, which to some extent I can understand, but she also understands where I’m coming from.

She’s been raped too. That’s why I though, hoped, that she would understand where I was coming from and why I was asking something so drastic of her. Instead, though, I got the response of “he’s been best friends with him for 10 years, I could never ask that of him, just like I hope he would never ask me to take you out of the wedding”.

I didn’t think about it at the time, but she and I have known him for the same amount of time. We met him (her fiance) eleven years ago at the same time. Ten years ago said guy (“the rapist”) was not her fiance’s best friend when we met him, another guy was. Maybe seven years ago they became best friends, at most eight, but definitely not ten. I kind of think she was pulling the number of years out of her ass, so to speak. And it makes me angry.

And I’ve discussed it with MY fiance; he understands where I’m coming from. I made the comment the other night while he was preparing dinner (yes, he was – not me) that if her rapist was in our wedding I would take him out without a second thought. I’d tell the guy “sorry”, but something came up. Though, after hearing what happened I probably wouldn’t want to be around that guy much anyway. My fiance understood that and completely agreed.

It basically comes down to the fact to whose friendship does she value more. I’m not even sure if it has anything to do with her fiance, and if he does then their relationship is more of a dictatorship then one of equal value.

The way I see it, if she valued my friendship and believed what I said she would put more stock into my request instead of, what seems to me, just pushing it aside to be dealt with later.

Apparently I’m not a good enough friend because I’m trying to ruin her big day by asking for the guy that raped me to not be near me. I’m sorry. I’ll try to be less selfish; I only wanted to not have a panic attack in front of 200 people.

Blinded by Love… or Obsession?

So, if any of you haven’t quite gotten the point yet from my previous posts: I’m getting engaged, have been engaged and am planning on getting married this upcoming summer. It’s been in the works for a good six months and I’m super excited, despite it being my second marriage.

But that’s not what I want to talk about.

Have you ever had that friend, family member, or even acquaintance from work who just kept going back to the same person (normally a woman back to a man, but it’s happened the other way around) over and over again? You keep trying and trying to convince the person not to go back because of various reasons (and, I’m sorry, but I’m going to act like it’s a woman going back to a man – I hate stereotyping): “he treats you badly”, “he’s done this before, he’ll do it again”, “you shouldn’t have to put up with his partying and belittling”, and so many other things.

I’ve said that and so much more to many people in my life. I’ve had it said to me in a couple of my previous relationships.

Two days ago, someone I consider one of my closest (and definitely my longest) friends called me and told me she was getting married in December. I was stunned. I had no idea what to say. I wanted to be the best friend that squealed over the phone and was “uber happy” for her, but I just couldn’t. Not genuinely.

Why, you ask?

She’s been engaged to this man three – seperate – other times. They started dating, for the first time, nearly ten years ago and since then have broken up nearly ten to fifteen times up until now. She only got engaged, this time around, near the March/April time. She didn’t tell me, or anybody, about it right away. There’s not a lot of people that are genuinely happy with her current fiance to my knowledge.

But again, it’s not that.

He’s a horrible person and people like him don’t change over night.

Barely a year ago I had to literally talk her out of suicide, twice, in one night because of something he said to her and then projected to his friends because he decided it would be okay for them to hear it. He was cruel. She decided to start driving, her goal four and a half hours away, while crying so hard she could barely see and talking to me on the phone. I could barely hear her the music in the background was so loud.

That night she ended up coming over to my house and getting drunk. A couple hours after she arrived, and had drank half a bottle of vodka, she decided she was going to call her boyfriend (at the time) to make sure he was okay and that she “hadn’t hurt his feelings earlier”. I told her to not to, that it was a bad idea because he obviously didn’t care enough about her to even ask. She had told him how she was feeling: lonely, depressed, and such – and he just blew it off like it was nothing.

He wanted to go to a bar and drink and smoke and party with his pals. She didn’t. She’s not into that.

My friend claims that he’s changed. That he doesn’t do that anymore. That he wants to settle down now, that he wants to have babies with her and he’s got a good steady job.

I told her she should wait until they’ve been in a steady relationship, without breaking up in-between, for over a year and then see how it goes. They’ve been together this round for less than me and my fiance have been and they’re getting married before us? WTF? I know they’ve known each other for several years and dated multiple times with multiple breaks, but still… it’s flawed reasoning. It doesn’t seem right.

It’s too rushed.

I feel bad for her, in the long run. I have this feeling something bad is going to happen. Last April (2012) I was sitting in my room on my bed helping her plan her wedding for that October 2013.

They ended up breaking up in June 2012 and getting together right before Thanksgiving. Right in time for him to move in with her like they originally had planned before the break-up. And now they’re engaged. Oh, wait, now they’re going to be married in three months.

And apparently I’m the maid of honor.

Somebody please shoot me. I don’t want to have to lie in a church. And I don’t want her to end up hurt, because she won’t listen to me. Or anybody for that matter. I can wish all I want, but it’s like a disease, a mental disorder, something. She’s just so used to him that she can’t live without him. It’s less like love and more like obsession.

All I can hope for, I guess, now is that everything works out in the end and that he really has changed.

I hope, I hope, I hope.