Life = Drama

I shouldn’t feel like this. I don’t want to feel like this and yet I do.

My life is a soap opera. It’s drama-filled and it’s never boring. I hate it. It’s never a happy drama; something bad is always happening. I could name around ten (10) things right now that aren’t even close to good, but I don’t want to rant about everything.

I only want to get one thing out of my system. I’m so stressed about it, it’s not even funny. It’s scary. I’m anxious and freaking out and crying.

I’m honestly afraid that I’m going to lose my fiance. I honestly fear that I’m going to lose the man that I love.

Why? Because I made some bad choices in my past and they keep being dredged up when he’s just managing to stop thinking about them. And it isn’t as if I like to think about what I did in my past either – I hate it and I would rather not think on it either – but it’s harder for him. We got together right afterward. As in, less than a month afterward.

And I didn’t realize it at the time, in fact I didn’t realize it until my fiance pointed it out earlier this evening to me, but I had inadvertently lied to him.

At the time my fiance and I started our relationship I was just coming out of my bar-hopping/partying/drinking/sleeping around phase that lasted a whole three months. (Not very long, right?) Well, I don’t remember exactly when I said it or in what context, but I said that I wasn’t “that kind of girl” – the kind to sleep around or lie or betray him. And to be quite honest, I’m not. I just fell for him and I fell hard. When I told him that, and I can guarantee this, I didn’t think of myself as any sort of bar slut or some sort of floozy.

But he thinks I lied to him just to get with him. I didn’t and I’m scared that he’s going to leave me. He was angry about it earlier. He made a point of telling me earlier that when he was growing up it was said that the type of woman I was weren’t the kind for relationships and the men who tried to get in relationships with them were the stupid ones because they eventually ended badly – i.e: with some sort of betrayal.

I cried so hard. I told him straight-out that at the time I didn’t think of myself that way at the time and that I really am not like that. I told him that I was sorry for inadvertantly lying to him. He didn’t say anything. He pretty much stayed quiet until he had to get ready for work.

I didn’t want him to go to work. I was… am… afraid that he’s not going to come back.

I miss him.

I love him.

I wish someone could explain to me something. Help me.

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Paranoia and Insecurity

Insecurities. Anxiety. Paranoia. That’s the very definition of me right now. I fret over everything and I’m so, so scared.

I’ve mentioned before that I was married once and divorced said man. I mentioned more recently about the custody issues because he moved out of state. We’ve went to court once and there is a continuation in effect for him to get a lawyer (he showed up pro bono). It’s been nearly three months and there’s nothing on the case, but I’m starting to get worried. He’s starting to get more active in video chats, Skyping, and on various social media he’s claiming he’s a “Mother of Three” now and he’s starting to buy the children toys.

I guess I should mention that my ex-husband is currently in the process of hormone-replacement therapy (HRT) and turning himself into a woman. :-/

(He wasn’t like that when I was with him. Just saying.)

Anyway, he’s doing more for the children, but I’ve got a bad feeling about it. I think it’s for show. I don’t think that he means it. I think that he’s trying to show that he “cares” for our children so that he won’t have to pay as much child support to me, so that I won’t get full custody (like I want), because he’s a spiteful, vindictive, manipulative person. He did this the first time around during out divorce. He lied multiple times and I’m so very scared now. Nobody believed me then and I don’t think anybody will believe me now.

I just want to cry. I want to scream. I want someone to listen to me and believe me and do something about it. I want somebody to help me. So much.

And it’s not just that.

My fiance starting college classes two weeks ago. I understand that college life is tough. This is his second semester since we got together and it’s not any easier. But I never see him. Ever. He spends most of his time at my place because he’s only renting a room at somebody else’s house and, even though it’s cheap, he says it gets slightly awkward when he’s there alone during the day.

So he comes to my place and takes his computer upstairs and is there. The whole time. From early in the morning when he gets here till late at night with, I don’t know, two 20 minute breaks in between? There’s a bathroom upstairs, so no need to worry about that!

I feel like he’s pushing me away. Distancing himself from me. And he said himself that he’s low on money (he’s paying for my Internet and helps with food every now and then), so then why do I see him paying for random things when I pop in upstairs to say “hi” and to see how he’s doing? He’s paying for a Skype account? Why? No, I didn’t snoop on his computer. He was using his computer while I was up there and I saw it. It just made me wonder.

Like I said at the beginning, Paranoid is a pretty basic definition of me right now.

He constantly seems angry or upset and I can’t get him to talk anymore. I just… I don’t know. I’m so scared. I’m losing so much, I’m afraid to lose so much. I know I over-think things and this is probably one of them, but I can’t help it. I don’t have anybody to talk to. He used to be one of the few people I could talk to, but now… I’m afraid to even ask “are you ok?” because he doesn’t like me asking him that question.

Everything’s just backwards and I don’t know what to do.

Like I said earlier, I just want to scream; I want to cry; I just want somebody to listen and help me.

That’s all I need.

I need it so bad it hurts. 😥