Ain’t that the truth?

Note to self: continuing nausea and fatigue does NOT automatically mean I’m pregnant no matter how much I wish it so. Patience, young grasshopper, is the key.

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Since Last Month!

Omg, it’s been so long since I’ve updated anything on here! I can’t blame it completely on being busy, but the majority… yeah, I have been. With the holidays just passing and my aunt moving in with my fiance and I, plus the extreme cold weather passing through, so everything’s been quite hectic.

Oh, and the wedding that I was in. That happened in between Christmas and New Year’s. Lovely, lovely.

So! Let’s start off, shall we? It seems we have quite a lot to cover. ūüėČ

Christmas was different. Didn’t really know what was going on until about two days beforehand; it was really crazy. My stepdad got all angry because I told my mom to tell him that if he couldn’t accept the fact that she wanted to be with her family on Christmas then he didn’t have to come. He got p*ssed, there was some yelling involved, and he didn’t come. My mom and brothers did, though. It was much more fun of a day than I expected it to be.

My aunt helped cook Christmas dinner, as did my fiance. I made chicken and noodles. There was some squabble over use of the kitchen. There’s some sort of tension over the kitchen. My aunt’s always been the one in the kitchen and, since I’ve been with him, my fiance has always been the one in the kitchen – kind of a switch of perceived gender roles, which we have no objection to, by the way. It’s weird though. Every time my fiance just takes a step into the kitchen, in our own home, my aunt goes in there as well even if she has no reason to be in there. She’ll start talking to my fiance, offering advice (“why don’t you do this?” “why don’t you add that?” “I normally do such n’ such”) and it drives both me and my fiance bonkers, because I normally have to intercede in some way. Cause, y’see, we don’t have a larger kitchen so more than one person being in the kitchen at the same time, especially if the 2nd person has no reason of being in there, causes extreme problems. My fiance is to the point that he’d rather be at work, out of the house, just in general away from my aunt, than at home.

For example: on New Year’s Eve, he had to work the next morning, a 12-hour shift, and so when he got home that evening he brought snacks, champagne, and general stuff for a night in for the two of us. My aunt immediately got on his case: “Well I’ve got that” “You can use this instead” and it drove him absolutely crazy. He’d had a good day at work, an extremely good day at work, and – the way he told me – he didn’t want to come home and her voice be the first thing he hears cause it just ruined it for him.

We ended up going out that night. We ate, drank, stayed out and had some fun. We came home before it turned into 2014. The first thing we did when we came home was put the children to bed then locked ourselves in our bedroom, drank the champagne, ate chips and salsa, and watched movies on the TV we have in our room cause we’re awesome like that. LOL!

I just feel bad. My aunt’s supposed to be moving out and she’s going on living here two months. She was supposed to have moved out near a month ago. I love her, but I hope she doesn’t secretly hope to move in full-time with me. We just don’t have the space. She’s not even paying any sort of rent or bills while living here and she thinks that she’s entitled to everything! So yes, she’s starting to drive me nuts too. I love her, but just like when I was younger, I’m not sure how long I can stand living with her.

Changing topics: the wedding was absolutely beautiful. I had no idea, though, that churches hung the triquatra. I thought it was a Pagan symbol, so I’m thoroughly confused. The Methodist church my best friend got married in still had their Christmas decorations up and on the tree was several triquatras. If someone could explain that to me, I would greatly appreciate it. My fiance, who is well-versed in the Pagan religion, many religions in fact, had no answer.

The batchelorette party was the night before, but I’m very proud of myself as I did not get as sloshed as most people would have expected. I had lots of fun though. We held the party at the groom’s mother’s house, which may seem odd, but if you knew all of us… well, it’s really not that odd, to be quite honest. We played many games, drank till the sun came up, ate chips and dip, pranced around in nightgowns and watched baby videos. It was awesome.

Oh, and can’t forget the guy that hung out with us. One of the other bridesmaid’s, that I don’t really know, boyfriend; he even pranced around in a nightgown with us! It was awesome! Especially the part where he changed in front of us! Does that mean we had our own personal stripper??? LOL!

Though the craziest part about the time surrounding the wedding was the fact the majority of my time was spent with my fiance’s ex who happens to be a close friend of my best friend who was getting married. Said ex was driving me and my best friend around everywhere. It was freaky. Then, y’know, when my fiance showed up at the reception (because he had to work and wasn’t able to make it to the ceremony) she gave him the evil eye… and me, for that matter. Total evilness. She avoided both of us completely but sat herself in the perfect position so that all she had to do was look up and she’d be able to see us and, well, glare. Completely creeped me out. Gah.

Lemme tell ya though, the snow storm’s been fun. The polar vortex or whatever I’ve heard it been called. I’m totally snowed in. We have a total of around 12 inches. Every one on my facebook newsfeed was saying “oh, we’ll only get around 2-3 inches, they’ve said this’ll happen before and it didn’t”. Well hey, it happened. Dumb*ss. I kinda trust the weather channel. I’m not talking local weather channel; I’m talking¬†national weather service. I get daily updates. Heck yeah. My oldest still isn’t back in school cause of the storm and I don’t expect the school to open until, at the earliest, next week. What’s sucky is that all of this means that school is going to go even further into June because on the norm, without the make-up snow days, school goes into June. Fun, fun, fun. :-/

But on the upside of everything, my fiance and I finally might have enough for our wedding in… duh dun duhn!… JUNE! Wish us luck! ūüôā

Friendship Fail.

A month or so ago I posted about my “best friend” who’s getting married later this month and we were having some difficulties because early-mid last year I was taken advantage of in a most deplorable way and he was standing up for her fiance in the wedding. I haven’t fully gotten past what happened back then and I told her that if he was going to be there, if I had to be around him so intimately [because I, too, am in the wedding] then I wasn’t going to be in the wedding and probably not even attend the ceremony or reception.

Back at my other posts, I thought we had patched things up to the point where we determined that he wasn’t going to be coming: not invited, nodda.

I found out earlier today that not only did neither she nor her fiance tell the friend (the guy who date-raped me) that he was no longer invited to the wedding or anything to do with it, I found out the exact opposite! She has been in contact with him, messaging him and questioning him “why the lack of sudden friendship? I hope there’s no hard feelings from when you moved out earlier this year”.

And no, there’s not apparently. As it turns out, “the guy” and my supposed “best friend” are still good pals and she still considers him a very close friend and is very upset with her fiance because he took his friendship with “the guy” for granted and now she’s trying to mend it. Literally. So far, in fact, that she’s trying to get him to stay¬†in the wedding that he dropped out of being in.

Yeah, the same one that I’m in later this month that my “best friend” said he wasn’t even going to be at. Yet, here she is trying to get him to salvage his friendship with her fiance and come to the wedding “because it would mean a lot to him and he wouldn’t have invited you to stand up for him in the wedding if he wasn’t trying in the friendship”.

I’m so friggin pissed. I’m not sure many people have any idea of just how angry I really and truly am.

So basically, I’ve decided that I’ll go. My children aren’t. They’re going to be staying at my mother’s house for, at the very least, the day of the wedding. My aunt is going because MY fiance decided he wanted absolutely nothing to do with her after this particular stunt and that she isn’t worth rescheduling part of his day at work. Honestly? I’m just going to see what exactly she thinks of me. If “the guy” is there, most especially in the Bridal Party, then I’m just walking out and never speaking to her again. It will be her fault and I just don’t care. I’m at the point of almost not going anyway.

I don’t know what she must think of me, but she must think I’m just some little toy, some sort of pawn, to be used and played with and whose emotions are so easily messed with it’s not funny. She must think that I’ll forgive her for anything. And she must not believe what I told her. I’m hurt; I feel betrayed. This is truly the last straw and for more reasons than one.

She’s the reason why my fiance almost broke up with me this afternoon. And that’s a much longer story. Let’s just leave that at with her, there’s been so much drama and it’s causing him to doubt me in several ways.

I’m not a liar and he has no reason to doubt me. I’m hurt, I’m disgusted, and I’m betrayed. I will not lose one of the most important people in my life because of some petty drama. She wants drama, she’ll get it on her wedding day, especially if she’s the cause of it. Using the “but it’s my wedding day” card won’t work on me then.

And I’m normally not such a bitch. I’m just that angry and hurt.

Update? ;) Lol

So it’s totally been awhile but things have been uber hectic around here. I thought everyone (if anyone is still reading this, lol) deserved a brief update, at least, to know that I’m still alive! ūüėČ

Basically, since Thanksgiving, hell’s been let loose in the general area. I have a basic civil war going on in my family and I’m stuck in the middle. Gotta love it. Right now I’m housing one of my aunt’s because she was kicked out of another family member’s house because they were just “sick and tired of her shit” and I’m the only one who is willing to listen to my aunt and let her live with me. Can you see just how nice my family is?

Plus, y’know, my house is being worked on, foundation and electricity-wise, and so my electricity bill jump sky-high from last month. Which I can’t afford at all. My food stamps are dropping by over $50 and I can’t afford that either. I’ve had to cancel 2 doctor’s appointments for my children because I can’t afford the gas mileage to take them because money is so tight this month. I hate this. I hate it all. I’m trying so hard, and so is my fiance, but nothing we’re doing is helping.

The only good news that I have is from my oldest child’s teacher who called this morning around noon and said that one of the upper grades does a project every year and chooses a family to get presents for and my child’s teacher thought of us. And she is giving us pull-ups from another mom in my child’s class. I’m so, so grateful. I don’t know what I’d do without little things like that.

Things are slowly looking up. Just hope for more good news in the future. ūüôā

Lately

So I’ve noticed that lately I’ve been focusing¬†my blog posts mainly on mine and my fiance’s life or my [maybe unhealthy] dealings with my ex-husband.¬†Like I’ve said before, this blog is mostly to deal with¬†stress in my daily life¬†– me ranting and raving for no other reason than to get it out of my system. I know that there are probably a lot of people who don’t like reading about my life and I can handle that. It’s my life and¬†not¬†someone else’s, so why would you?

I guess I just kind of have this little hope inside of me that someone will learn from my mistakes.

But that’s not what I’m writing about right now.

Right now I’m trying to figure out a way for me to stop ranting and raving¬†so much about my fiance and my ex-husband. Though, at this moment in time I don’t see how¬†seeing as they are such an integral part of my life.¬†My fiance for obvious reasons and my ex-husband because he’s the father of my children and,¬†unless I get really lucky [and I doubt it], he’s never going to¬†out of my life. I have accepted the latter part¬†with little enthusiasm, but hey, I’ve accepted it. ūüėȬ†Lol!

I’ve been trying to look through¬†prompts and challenges¬†for ideas on something to write, but when I finally get inspiration, it all comes back to something with my fiance or my ex-husband… on occasion my children, which then leads to either my fiance or ex-husband.¬†Blah. I love writing, I love typing, but I hate being repetitive and redundant. Even I’m getting bored of writing¬†pretty much about the same ol’ thing so everybody who¬†reads my blog even¬†“every now and then” has to be sick of it by now!

And I apologize for that. I really, truly do.

My Past. My Ex. My Anxiety.

I have to get this out of my system. I don’t know why, all of sudden, it’s bothering me so much. I don’t know why I’m thinking about all of this, forward and backward. I can’t get it out of my mind.

And so I going to write about it. I’m going to post it here.

I will forewarn you: I don’t know how long this post is going to be. Mind, I’m not going to try and make it a long post, but with what I am going to be writing, it might end up longer than anticipated. Please… if you start reading this, don’t be deterred by the long-windedness of my writing. It just kind of happens.

* * *

I was younger then. It was the beginning of a new school year and all of my friends were off to college; I never graduated high school. I was depressed. I had no idea where my life was going. Everyone was gone. I had no one.

And then He shows up.

Day by day, week by week, month by month – they all went by and I lost count. I can’t tell you exactly when everything happened or in what order. I just know that in the end, everything turned to shit. My family hated me; I was ostracized from the people who raised me and the only people I had to turn to were ones I barely even knew.

I was pregnant. I was engaged. I didn’t love the person I was marrying, but I was denying it to myself. Even looking back I can say that honestly. I just stayed with him so the child in my womb wouldn’t have a broken family like I grew up in.

I was an idiot.

He was abusive.

I eventually left him. It took me a while and several attempts; the cops were called several times to settle disputes between us in the process. What finally pushed me to the edge wasn’t a fight, wasn’t really any sort of abuse. It was a lie. I had finally convinced him to try marriage counseling and we decided on a local pastor/Christian couselor, which honestly surprised me because he’s some sort of atheist.

During the session – the one and only session that we went to – we talked things out, I got things off of my chest and told him what was bothering me. Of course, he nagged at me a bit, but in the end we compromised. My biggest “blah” was that he wasn’t helping out enough with our child and was demanding too much of me; he literally did nothing in the house while I was supposed to do everything and make time to shower myself, feed myself… and him. I had enough to deal with when I was taking care of our child and the household. He could cook for himself. Until I found out that he was only an expert at burning water. :-/

But yes, the session went great. I was happy. Suspicious, but happy. I was rightfully suspicious, I came later to find out. Almost every promise, almost every thing that he said he would change and start doing to help out, was broken not three hours later. He had planned on doing something “with the guys” for the whole weekend. I wouldn’t be seeing him for the whole weekend and I had no prior knowledge about it.

We argued again. I yelled, I cried. I gave up. I knew nothing could be done and I left. I packed a bag that night for me and then one for the baby and, on my way out, left him a note on the bed. I called one of my friends and had her pick me up. We were done. I filed for divorce a month later. He was dating another woman two weeks later.

The faux pas then, though, was that I was pregnant. We ended up having to wait over a year for the divorce to be finalized. Within the first six months, he did not contact me to see our already born child, he made no attempt to try and see our child. When we did make it to court, he said that I¬†had denied¬†him his parental rights to see his child and that’s why he never visited the baby.

Two years later and three children together, we’re going through the same thing.

I don’t know what he’s doing. I have absolutely no idea. I know he’s unstable. He’s the type of person that can’t go without a relationship. Literally CAN NOT. He split with his last girlfriend, at most, two months ago and he’s already dating someone else. Before her, it was a couple weeks. Before that relationship, it was around two months.

And I only know that through, y’know, Facebook. ^^;;

It’s been over six months since he’s seen his children face-to-face and he’s made little effort to see them. I don’t know if he’s trying something underhanded, if he’s going for what he did last time, or if he honestly thinks that I just gave up on fighting in court. (He doesn’t think that I’m actually paying my lawyer.) I can’t get into his mindset because I care too much about my children. The three weeks he took them and didn’t allow me contact with them I flipped out. My anxiety level was at an all-time high. I had panic-attacks and I seriously flipped the FUCK out. I’ve never been that way. Ever. My children are my life and not knowing exactly where they were, not having contact with them, threw me in a way I never thought possible.

And because of him I’m paranoid. Proof: my children stayed with my mother this past weekend. I had to call her on Saturday because I was flipping out because my children weren’t with me; I didn’t know how they were exactly. I knew they were alright, but I was flipping out. It was anxiety, near to a panic attack. Relate it to PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), if you must – I know that’s the only thing I can relate it to similarly, though I know it’s not the same thing. What happened to me all those months ago has affected me for life. And it sucks.

But now he’s (my ex) not answering texts. He asked me to text him when it was a good time that him and the children could talk. I did. He never responded. That was weeks ago.

And now he’s not paying child support.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if it’s accidental or not. I mean, I moved; what if because I moved the child support stuff is all blah. Oh, but wait… then¬†I wouldn’t have gotten last month. Or the month before. Right?

So what’s going on?

I’m so confused. And scared. And anxious. Slightly paranoid.

I just want all of this to be over. All of the problems and issues. I want all of it gone. I know it never will be; I’m stuck with that man for life until the children are grown up, and even then, probably not even.

Hopes, wishes, and dreams abound. I just want everything to be well and good again.

Stable is good. ūüôā

Little Bit of This and That

So… updates… yeah….

I haven’t posted for a couple days. *slaps hand* Bad llama!

Yeah, I’ve watched “The Emperor’s New Groove” a couple of times with my kids this week. It’s on Netflix and I like it; so do they. Give me some credit here! ^^;; Lol!

Anyway.

My children went with my mom on Friday, as proposed and my fiance and I, well, we actually didn’t do anything spectacular. Friday night, lessee… I think we ended up driving around in town for a bit before settling at this new Indian restaurant in town; my fiance loves Indian food, or just spicy food in general. And the food was exquisite! I was actually able to eat it! I don’t do spicy well. We got onion Naan and garlic Naan. Yum. ūüôā

Then, y’know, we headed home because our tummies were full and played lots and lots of DDR because we’re fatties and need to lose weight. LOL! We stayed up till around 2-3AM that night, I think.

Saturday we slept in till around 2PM and my fiance didn’t even bother to wake me up. Love him to bits, but he could have woken me up. I mean, seriously? I’m not that grumpy when I wake up. I manage to get up at 7AM every weekday morning with little-to-no help from him and get my oldest up, ready, and off to school with no issues. I feel very accomplished with myself, thank you. ^^;; Hehe.

Back to what I was saying.

We woke up and ate a bit. We mostly just snacked. I figured out, though, that I needed to go to David’s Bridal, which is around 30 minutes away from where we live, because I’m in my best friend’s wedding and I still have to get my dress. She’s not making me pay for it, but I had to find the one that I liked the best, looked the best on me, and actually fit me. Oh, and fit her conditions: apple red, floor length, and under $150 at final cost. Mine ended up being a strapless, apple red, flowy chiffon gown. It kinda has that Greek-goddess look to it. I really like it. It’s kind of ironic, though – and I didn’t realize this until yesterday – but the dress I chose for a bridesmaid is almost identical to the dress I have stored at my aunt and uncle’s house for my wedding. The only differences are that my outer layer is more lacy than chiffon and is split in the middle so it’s much more flowy; it’s an off-white, kind of creamy; it has very thin, double-strapped spaghetti straps going over each shoulder. Other than that, they’re pretty much the same. I hope my fiance doesn’t realize that when I’m walking down the aisle toward him in our wedding. ><;;

We ended up eating out after our trip to David’s Bridal.¬† We browsed around Wal-Mart for a bit, searching for stuff for the kids, stuff we need for the house, just stuff. We were trying to make the most out our last evening without the children, especially considering something had come up at my mom’s house and we had to pick them up early: 12PM early. Though, that kind of put my mind at rest considering the storms we were “supposed” to get (that, I know now, never hit us).

The final stop for my fiance and I was a small restaurant near our house where we stopped and had a few drinks; I think I had three – and whew! My first one was a doozy! My fiance, I think had two mixed drinks and a beer. All my drinks were very large mixed drinks. I guess I still have a decent tolerance even though I don’t really drink anymore. I haven’t had a drink in almost a year, not including the other night obviously.

My fiance and I made it home just fine. Which, just saying, was amazing and that’s not because we had been drinking. It was raining cats and dogs outside when we left the place and when we walked inside there wasn’t a cloud in the sky! I hate it when the weather changes so quickly. :-/

Neither of us was drunk when we got home, so, once again, we went in, fiddled a little on our computers (I pretty much just read a little and went through my newsfeed on facebook then stopped – the storm was messing with the Internet), and then we played DDR… again. We played for so long it was ridiculous. After we finally got tired of playing we watched two episodes of “The Vampire Diaries” – and yes, you read that right – and then we finally realized what time it was.

It was five in the morning (5AM). We were going to be SO dead in the morning. It takes over an hour to get to my mom’s place and we had to be there by noon.

And THAT was my weekend, pretty much, in a nutshell. Lol!

 * * *

In other news, my landlord has finally decided to fix the foundation on the house I’m renting from him. Thank goodness! He’s renewing the wiring too, which isn’t something my fiance and I anticipated or even asked for so I’m quite excited. The unfortunate part is that it’s going to take a week or two to fix everything that actually needs fixing, so hopefully they get it done fast. They’ve been here since Monday.

Would you believe they actually created a hole in the foundation and then redid it? Now there’s an even bigger breeze going through my basement into the house. I’m so blah about it. I mean, they’re fixing it – you can tell – and I think they poured cement into it today, but still… a hole?! Gah. I just don’t understand these people.

And I’m only going to mention this briefly because I’m so ashamed with myself: I haven’t written on my NaNoWriMo novel since my last update. I’M SO ASHAMED!!!!!

Oh, and the WiiFit is down. Apparently I weigh 300-something pounds now. Just saying, I did NOT gain over 90 pounds in 1 week. I definitely don’t look like I did. Besides, I’m down a dress size. Oh, and my fiance didn’t gain over 100 pounds either. I saw him when he weighed almost 300 pounds and what he looks like now is SO not it. Stupid WiiFit.

But on the up-side, my fiance is a working man again! He got a job that pays $10/hour today! And he starts tomorrow! It’s a 12-hour rotating shift; he works three days on, three days off. I’m not sure about much else than that. I mean, I know he’s a trainee for now, but other than that…. ^^;;

I guess things are starting to look up for us finally! Something bad will happen sooner or later, but until that happens, I will continue to relish in my happiness. My three children are my most precious and my fiance is the love of my life.

I’m happy. Truly, wonderfully happy. ‚̧