Work, Write, Love

There are so many things wrong right now. It’s ridiculous. I’m thinking too much and everything is driving me crazy. I think I’m getting slightly depressed because I’m stuck inside all the time recently because of the weather, with all of this cold and snow that’s been coming through everywhere here in the eastern United States. I guess it doesn’t make anything better when my fiance is working overtime because one of his co-workers is so badly injured that he isn’t able to work for the next two (2) months, so him and his other co-workers are putting in an exponential amount of extra hours to cover for him. This week, alone, he’s worked over sixty (60) hours. While, yes, the paycheck’s going to be lovely and both of us are looking forward to it… I miss him. I miss him a lot and I don’t get to spend enough time with him. We used to spend more time with each other. Hell, when my aunt was living with us we saw more of each other then, than we do now and we had severe privacy issues back then!

But all of this is just me ranting and raving. I need to get it out of my system. I have nobody – absolutely no one – to talk to about all of this.

I don’t have any close friends. I don’t really trust my family with personal information any more. It’s come to the point that the therapist who stops by bi-weekly to help with my child in his development (he’s a little behind, y’see) is easier to talk to than anybody else… except, of course, my fiance. But then it comes down to the fact that he’s never here and when he is, he seems to be sleeping because he’s so worn out from working. We never talk anymore. We never spend time with each other. We don’t even have money for a single Valentine’s Day dinner, I’ve come to find out.

I’m trying to figure out his schedule so that maybe I can arrange my mother and stepfather to babysit the children for a night or two so that my fiance and I can just have a night to ourselves and we can just, I don’t know, go out. Spend time with each other. See a movie. Have dinner. Go to a bar. Just have fun with each other. It’s not a big deal. The whole point, nonetheless, being is that we just need to spend time with each other. Without the children. Every couple does.

I feel like I’m losing him. And maybe it’s just me. I know I get paranoid sometimes and I definitely know that I have a tendency to overthink things, but it seems like my fiance and I have been growing distant from each other as of late and I don’t like it. Not one bit.

I know he loves me though. I need to stop being paranoid. The signs are there that he loves me. I’m letting too many things build up inside of me. Little things. Reminders from my past; things that people have said to me that are starting to get to me. It’s unfair and I don’t like it. I know what he’s really like. But again, that’s the problem. The little things that are wiggling their way into my mind are making me doubt stuff like that and, in my mind, if I really love my fiance I shouldn’t ever doubt him. I know that nobody is perfect; I know that no relationship is perfect, but I can’t help but continually wonder if something’s going wrong or if… just if.

I’ve wandered into “what if” categories. I really don’t think that’s a good sign.

A good sign, though, I think, is that he is the one person (not including my children) that I can’t picture myself without. I think and think and think, and then it occurs to me that we already act like we’re married. We share bills, rent, a home, chores, cooking (though, I will admit he does the majority when he’s not working); we share decisions and we compromise. We actually talk about where we’re heading in the future – where we want to go, in the sense of “when we finally get a house of our own and not this place, we’ll…” or “when we’re more financially stable we’ll take a trip to *example place* with the kids… they’d love it”. It makes my heart just grow and burst with such warmth. I feel like squealing and crying from happiness sometimes.

And, y’know, I guess it’s also probably a really good sign that when I’m reading my romance novels or watching my romantic-comedies (*cough* chick-flicks), or any sort of movie or book that has a significant amount of romance in it, I picture the leading female as myself and the leading male as my fiance. Especially once they start dating; especially if it’s starting to get more romantic. The thing is, though, it doesn’t have to be the “more romantic” parts. I have a wild imagination, and if I can picture my fiance and I doing something similar – then we’re in whatever book or movie I’m watching or reading at the time.

I love him and I’m in love with him. I’m not convincing myself of this. I’ve known it for about a year and a half now. My feelings have not faded; they’ve only grown stronger. I guess, though, I didn’t anticipate all of the other emotions – the stress, anxiety – that would come with it.

But he makes me feel beautiful. He makes me feel whole. He makes me feel complete. With him, I am me and no one else. I don’t have to be. He feel in love with me at my worst and has helped me pick up the pieces. I truly believe he loves me for who I am. It’s just hard to believe sometimes. It’s a scary thought… to have found somebody so completely right for me that they’re willing to accept all of my fuck-ups & help me through my rough patches. It’s hard to comprehend to have found somebody who loves me even if my family is so against the relationship, or just completely horrible in their own right but he still loves me because, well, because my family does not define me. My family is not who I am. Just because I am related to them by blood does not always mean they are my family.

And he accepts me. And he loves me. And he loves my children.

That’s all that matters.

Fuck the world. We don’t need anyone else. Nobody else’s opinion matters.

Just ours.

Life = Drama

I shouldn’t feel like this. I don’t want to feel like this and yet I do.

My life is a soap opera. It’s drama-filled and it’s never boring. I hate it. It’s never a happy drama; something bad is always happening. I could name around ten (10) things right now that aren’t even close to good, but I don’t want to rant about everything.

I only want to get one thing out of my system. I’m so stressed about it, it’s not even funny. It’s scary. I’m anxious and freaking out and crying.

I’m honestly afraid that I’m going to lose my fiance. I honestly fear that I’m going to lose the man that I love.

Why? Because I made some bad choices in my past and they keep being dredged up when he’s just managing to stop thinking about them. And it isn’t as if I like to think about what I did in my past either – I hate it and I would rather not think on it either – but it’s harder for him. We got together right afterward. As in, less than a month afterward.

And I didn’t realize it at the time, in fact I didn’t realize it until my fiance pointed it out earlier this evening to me, but I had inadvertently lied to him.

At the time my fiance and I started our relationship I was just coming out of my bar-hopping/partying/drinking/sleeping around phase that lasted a whole three months. (Not very long, right?) Well, I don’t remember exactly when I said it or in what context, but I said that I wasn’t “that kind of girl” – the kind to sleep around or lie or betray him. And to be quite honest, I’m not. I just fell for him and I fell hard. When I told him that, and I can guarantee this, I didn’t think of myself as any sort of bar slut or some sort of floozy.

But he thinks I lied to him just to get with him. I didn’t and I’m scared that he’s going to leave me. He was angry about it earlier. He made a point of telling me earlier that when he was growing up it was said that the type of woman I was weren’t the kind for relationships and the men who tried to get in relationships with them were the stupid ones because they eventually ended badly – i.e: with some sort of betrayal.

I cried so hard. I told him straight-out that at the time I didn’t think of myself that way at the time and that I really am not like that. I told him that I was sorry for inadvertantly lying to him. He didn’t say anything. He pretty much stayed quiet until he had to get ready for work.

I didn’t want him to go to work. I was… am… afraid that he’s not going to come back.

I miss him.

I love him.

I wish someone could explain to me something. Help me.

An Apology

It seems that that life just likes to hit me all at once. It really, really does.

First of all, even though I’m posting this on the Internet most of you have probably noticed that I’m trying to remain at least a little bit anonymous, correct? If you haven’t then I guess I just informed you.

It’s like this, though. I’m trying to remain somewhat anonymous for a reason. No, I’m not on the run. No, I haven’t done anything against the law. I’m really not a bad person at all, at least, I think so. Though, I really don’t have anything to hide. Anything, that is, except for certain feelings toward certain people. And I hate it. It’s so stressful.

That’s why I rant on here.

It’s weird, though. I’ve tried to just keep a sort of “digital journal”, not on the Internet, and I completely didn’t keep up with it. Something about posting it online motivates me to keep writing and I don’t know what it is.

But that’s not what I was getting at before either.

I want to stay anonymous in case someone that I happen to write about reads this blog and is offended by something in it. Or, y’know, thinks along the lines of “If that was me they were talking about, I’d be offended”.

I don’t want to offended anybody. That’s part of the reason that I’m ranting on here: so that I don’t actually say anything to anyone. I love my family; I love my friends, and I would never ever want to hurt them in any way, shape, or form.

But I have.

Someone in my family found my blog and read the post I wrote before this and, unfortunately, it had something written about her in it. It wasn’t meant for her eyes. Ever. But she called me crying the next morning after talking to another member of my family. I was painted the bad guy.

So here it is, in case she reads this: I’M SORRY.

I told her over and over again, but I’m not sure that she listened to me or that she understood what I was saying. She was upset and angry. I can understand that, but I honestly don’t think that she was able to see from my point-of-view.

Nothing that I’m writing on here was meant for her eyes. Or any of my family’s. Or friend’s. Or acquaintances. Anybody.

I know that I rant on here and I’m not going to apologize for doing so, but it’s not something that I attempt to do constantly either. I’m not constantly angry at somebody or something. Most of the time it’s worry or paranoia or some sort of confusion. Most of the time it’s me trying to sort out my feelings so that I can understand myself better.

So no, I’m not going to reveal who I am. Not now, not ever. I’m never going to lie either, though. Why should I? This is my outlet and lying will only hinder me.

And so, I will write.

***

Ramble. Rant. Confusion. WTF?!

Have you ever felt like something was happening around you and you could feel it, but you weren’t sure what it was? I have; I do right now.

It’s odd. It’s like I can almost tell what it is, but when I get close to what it is, something throws me off and then I feel like I’m just standing there, confused. It’s horrible. At times I feel like it has something to do with my ex-husband and the pending court case. I think that he’s planning something and that everything I see or hear about him is just some small piece of a bigger puzzle that he’s putting together; almost like he’s trying to get me to believe certain things with lies and manipulation through other people, by making me too comfortable with how things are going in my life now and then everything will just… explode…. around me.

I know I sound paranoid, but I like I said before, after I start thinking like that and “putting my ideas together” so to speak, something throws me off.

Then I start thinking about moving and renting places. About how my fiance said the other night that he’s getting fed up with people not believing that we have the money or judging us on the fact that he’s a full-time student and not taking his student-loan money as if they’ve never dealt with college students before even though we live in a college area. He said that if we didn’t get this place, or a place in general soon, then he was just going to move to a different place that was cheaper (different from the one he has) that allows his dog and is a one-bedroom.

I hate it because I feel like the world is turning against me. Against me and my children. Against me and my fiance.

And then I feel even worse because I feel like my family just hates me because they never talk to me even though I try to make efforts with them. My mother and my uncle try the best that they can, though they have even better excuses for not being able to than the rest.

The family I’m talking about lives excruciatingly close and only talks to people they feel like, it seems, and favor certain people (aka: certain family members), are major hypocrites and like to talk behind peoples back, exaggerate, and/or lie. I know this, but then again, I don’t. I hate it because I love my family and I don’t want to dislike my family, but it seems like they don’t care about me anyway.

I told one of my family members today that there’s a probability of me moving a decent amount away. She looked at me like I was crazy, like she didn’t expect me to ever do something like that. Seriously? What’s keeping me where I am? Family? I can come visit. Friends? What friends? I have no life. I would have more of a life where I’m hoping to move (though I will say that I’m not too hopeful, unfortunately, so yeah).

My life is just crazy, hectic and out of control. I don’t know what’s happening and yet I know exactly what’s going on. It’s a chaotic mess that, ironically, I know where everything’s at.

I’m too young for a mid-life crisis. Gah. :-/

Love Me, Hate Me

I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle.

I’m engaged. I’m supposed to be getting married. It’s a moot point at this point; everybody knows it. I guess I’m a bit smarter than I used to be, though; I asked for a long engagement. When I did that, it was for us to get to know each other, and I believe that we do, but I didn’t want us to end up hating each other in the process.

We’re fighting and I’m not really sure why. All I know is that he failed one of summer classes. He mentioned to me that he failed it because he didn’t have enough time to do his homework. I didn’t know what to say. I was speechless. And then I started apologizing frantically while I tried not to cry.

I’m crying now as I type this.

I don’t want to fight with him and I didn’t want to start anything even more vicious. I could have. I could have told him that if he talked to me more I would know what he needed to finish instead of assuming he was either A) already done, or B) close enough to done to be doing something else.

He never said anything and when he did, it was on the last day and he just shut himself off to the world and got really pissy about everything. Snapping at me: “Leave me alone! If I don’t pass this I can’t get my degree!”

I feel like I’m going through my old relationship again. With my ex. He was abusive. He didn’t listen to me. He just told me to leave him alone and shut himself off from the world unless he wanted something. And that’s not good. I shouldn’t feel this way… especially since I love this man so much I can’t imagine my life without him. It’s something I’ve never felt before.

I could’ve told him when he snapped at me about his failed class that ‘yes, I’m sorry, but I think taking my children to the hospital to be seen since their doctor won’t right now is a bit more important, don’t you?’

I could’ve been a bitch about it. I could’ve retaliated hardcore and started a fight. But I didn’t.

And yes, what started it is that he’s upset over the fact that I want to take my children to the hospital and he doesn’t. He thinks it will take too much time and he won’t have time to do anything. Even his homework. And that he’s going to fail again and not get his degree.

Fine then. If my children end up hospitalized because of his carelessness, because I’m unable to drive, it’s on him. Literally. It’s going to get the ass-chewing of a lifetime. My children are sick and they need medicine and their doctor is an asshole who won’t see them until mid-next week because there’s “more than one to be seen”.

I’ll talk to him when I calm down. I’ll give it a bit longer to let him calm down too. I pointed out that he “looked angry” and that was when he snapped at me. Guess I know him a little too well, eh? Shouldn’t have said anything, I guess.

But I will. I will talk to him. I want to make this work and I’m not going to let him just avoid the issue.

He says we talk, but not half as much anymore. If we did, I’d know what was going on right now and why I feel so distant from him. I hope we work it out.

I love him.

(Lack of) Dog Rant

So apparently I’m not even allowed to have a dog in my apartment without telling my landlord. Seriously. I don’t own a dog. I was never allowed a pet growing up so I wouldn’t know the first thing about  what to do with any sort of pet. Also, with three kids, who in their right mind would accuse me of actually owning a dog? I’ll admit, I’ve “babysat” my fiance’s dog a few times in the past year and a half, but I didn’t think anything of it. The dog is old; the dog is quiet; the dog is friendly and the dog sleeps so much I just don’t have to worry about her when I did.

Well, apparently somebody in my apartment complex decided I owned a dog and “complained” about me owning a dog when I’m not allowed. Ok. That’s cool and all, except, well… I DON’T OWN A DOG! NEVER HAVE!

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a dog-hater. I love animals. All animals. Especially if they’re friendly and/or cute. Most especially both. It’s just that the accusation is unjustified!

Now, if my fiance and I were living together, it would be a valid accusation, but as stated before, he has a different living space, so it is not just unreasonable. It’s dumb.

Besides, even if I did, there are so many other people that own dogs, cats, and various other animals in the whole complex and they haven’t gotten in trouble, so why me? I haven’t done anything wrong. I follow the rules. I turn in my rent on time, along with every other bill. I keep my place clean and my children as quiet as they’re going to be when they’re under five years old.

So seriously?

I have half a mind to go to my landlord and ask why I have to notify them everytime I “babysit” a dog, because it seems ridiculous. Especially when it’s on short notice or at a moment in time that I wouldn’t be able to notify them. Like the weekend.

I guess it’s a good thing that I’ve almost got enough money to move out of my apartment. Keyword: almost. It’ll probably still be about a month. Gah.

Paranoia and Insecurity

Insecurities. Anxiety. Paranoia. That’s the very definition of me right now. I fret over everything and I’m so, so scared.

I’ve mentioned before that I was married once and divorced said man. I mentioned more recently about the custody issues because he moved out of state. We’ve went to court once and there is a continuation in effect for him to get a lawyer (he showed up pro bono). It’s been nearly three months and there’s nothing on the case, but I’m starting to get worried. He’s starting to get more active in video chats, Skyping, and on various social media he’s claiming he’s a “Mother of Three” now and he’s starting to buy the children toys.

I guess I should mention that my ex-husband is currently in the process of hormone-replacement therapy (HRT) and turning himself into a woman. :-/

(He wasn’t like that when I was with him. Just saying.)

Anyway, he’s doing more for the children, but I’ve got a bad feeling about it. I think it’s for show. I don’t think that he means it. I think that he’s trying to show that he “cares” for our children so that he won’t have to pay as much child support to me, so that I won’t get full custody (like I want), because he’s a spiteful, vindictive, manipulative person. He did this the first time around during out divorce. He lied multiple times and I’m so very scared now. Nobody believed me then and I don’t think anybody will believe me now.

I just want to cry. I want to scream. I want someone to listen to me and believe me and do something about it. I want somebody to help me. So much.

And it’s not just that.

My fiance starting college classes two weeks ago. I understand that college life is tough. This is his second semester since we got together and it’s not any easier. But I never see him. Ever. He spends most of his time at my place because he’s only renting a room at somebody else’s house and, even though it’s cheap, he says it gets slightly awkward when he’s there alone during the day.

So he comes to my place and takes his computer upstairs and is there. The whole time. From early in the morning when he gets here till late at night with, I don’t know, two 20 minute breaks in between? There’s a bathroom upstairs, so no need to worry about that!

I feel like he’s pushing me away. Distancing himself from me. And he said himself that he’s low on money (he’s paying for my Internet and helps with food every now and then), so then why do I see him paying for random things when I pop in upstairs to say “hi” and to see how he’s doing? He’s paying for a Skype account? Why? No, I didn’t snoop on his computer. He was using his computer while I was up there and I saw it. It just made me wonder.

Like I said at the beginning, Paranoid is a pretty basic definition of me right now.

He constantly seems angry or upset and I can’t get him to talk anymore. I just… I don’t know. I’m so scared. I’m losing so much, I’m afraid to lose so much. I know I over-think things and this is probably one of them, but I can’t help it. I don’t have anybody to talk to. He used to be one of the few people I could talk to, but now… I’m afraid to even ask “are you ok?” because he doesn’t like me asking him that question.

Everything’s just backwards and I don’t know what to do.

Like I said earlier, I just want to scream; I want to cry; I just want somebody to listen and help me.

That’s all I need.

I need it so bad it hurts. 😥