Friendship Status: Processing

It’s been about two weeks now. I wonder if she’s thought about it, if she’s actually talked about it with her fiance?

What am I talking about it? I’m talking about my “best friend” who’s getting married in December. I’m in the wedding, but so is the man that raped me. I confronted her about it and her response was… not very enthusiastic on my behalf. It was almost as if she was fighting for him instead.

In the time since then I’ve been busy moving but it hasn’t stopped me from thinking about the situation concerning her. My stress level, my anxiety, has went through the roof since that phone conversation those weeks ago. I’ve imagined so many ways that this could turn out, so many different conversations; unfortunately, most of them finish with the ending of our friendship. I can’t help but think “what happened?”

Five years ago she never would have second-guessed me about what I’ve said. Three years ago she would’ve stood by my side through thick and thin. Now, though, everything has changed and I don’t know why. I’ve known her for most of my given life, most of which I’ve considered her to be my best friend.

I’m afraid to her what she’s going to say, if she ever says anything to me at all. Because, like I’ve said, it’s been two weeks and I’ve heard no response about it.

I think she’s avoiding the issue. Maybe she’s afraid too? Maybe she doesn’t want to tell me that she [and her fiance] have decided that I’m “too selfish” and they don’t want me in the wedding at all? Or maybe she would rather tell me face to face? This weekend is going to be the first weekend since our phone confrontation that she’ll be nearby since she goes to college out of state. Or… or maybe she is just avoiding it altogether, avoiding me. It’s possible.

There are so many possibilities out there and I’ve only listed a few. I’ve even thought of the possibility where she and her fiance discuss it and she actually does defend me. Ironically, if she did that, her and her fiance (for the umpteenth time, might I add) would more than likely break-up… again. I think she’s going to choose him over me, which to some extent I can understand, but she also understands where I’m coming from.

She’s been raped too. That’s why I though, hoped, that she would understand where I was coming from and why I was asking something so drastic of her. Instead, though, I got the response of “he’s been best friends with him for 10 years, I could never ask that of him, just like I hope he would never ask me to take you out of the wedding”.

I didn’t think about it at the time, but she and I have known him for the same amount of time. We met him (her fiance) eleven years ago at the same time. Ten years ago said guy (“the rapist”) was not her fiance’s best friend when we met him, another guy was. Maybe seven years ago they became best friends, at most eight, but definitely not ten. I kind of think she was pulling the number of years out of her ass, so to speak. And it makes me angry.

And I’ve discussed it with MY fiance; he understands where I’m coming from. I made the comment the other night while he was preparing dinner (yes, he was – not me) that if her rapist was in our wedding I would take him out without a second thought. I’d tell the guy “sorry”, but something came up. Though, after hearing what happened I probably wouldn’t want to be around that guy much anyway. My fiance understood that and completely agreed.

It basically comes down to the fact to whose friendship does she value more. I’m not even sure if it has anything to do with her fiance, and if he does then their relationship is more of a dictatorship then one of equal value.

The way I see it, if she valued my friendship and believed what I said she would put more stock into my request instead of, what seems to me, just pushing it aside to be dealt with later.

Apparently I’m not a good enough friend because I’m trying to ruin her big day by asking for the guy that raped me to not be near me. I’m sorry. I’ll try to be less selfish; I only wanted to not have a panic attack in front of 200 people.

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I’d Rather Not

Back so many weeks ago I posted about one of my friends getting married. I mentioned that I was going to be in her wedding: a bridesmaid. There’s a catch now, and it’s been bothering me for at least two weeks; that’s half the time I’ve known she’s going to be getting married in December.

Last year, for her birthday, there was a big to-do at her place over the weekend. I had to travel out of state for it. It was a month or so before I started dating my fiance. There’s was a dinner and then bar-hopping and then more alcohol back at her place. Lots and lots of alcohol. We played multiple drinking games and everybody ended up getting shit-faced drunk and passing out somewhere. Though, overall, we had fun.

Me? Not so much.

It wasn’t the hangover the next morning. It was in-between that got me. Somebody that was invited, her [current] fiance’s long-time friend, was what happened. To be honest, I don’t remember much. I remember going to take my nightly meds that I’m supposed to take for my epilepsy and when I stumbled into the bedroom she assigned me, he was in the bed. And then… I remember kissing him, but nothing hardcore at all. And there’s black-outs. I kept waking up and I was somewhere else on the bed, in a different position, with less clothing.

I’m going to assume you can figure out what happened. I would rather not relive it again.

The thing is, though. I wasn’t able to tell her everything about what happened within the 48hours after it occurred. I told her some of it, but not all of it. Enough for her to see him as a complete douchebag; though she did tell me that “oh, didn’t I tell you? He’s a complete womanizer and has no respect for women at all” afterward.

I flipped out.

Around a year later I tell her the whole of what happened… or what I can remember of it. I had told my fiance about it and he asked if she knew; he told me I needed to tell her the rest and I did. Afterward, she confronted said guy and she said that he blamed the alcohol.

Now it’s several months later and I have to confront her again. I’m in her wedding. So is he. I can’t be around him. I can’t.

I’ve already confronted her and she doesn’t seem to understand; either that, or she doesn’t believe that any of it actually happened. I’m not sure which to believe. I want her to believe me, but… I just don’t know!

I told her earlier today over the phone that I “wasn’t comfortable being around him”. She said she would talk to her fiance about it, but not before asking me multiple times if I was coming to her wedding.

Yeah. And she asked me that if he gave a “sincere apology” could we work something out?

That hurt. A lot.

Because if he gave an apology now I know it would be forced by her. It’s been over a year later and any time I see him around town he dodges the other way. There’s no way he would willingly apologize and, if he did, there’s no way it would be sincere. I would never believe it, I hate to say.

I don’t know what to do. I really don’t. I hate putting her in this spot, but…

Would you want to be so close to someone who raped you?

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