I feel like I owe some sort of explanation, a post-note of sorts, because there might be some confusion or misunderstanding with some things that I mentioned in my last post: Love & Friendship Prevails. I hope this clears things up. Otherwise, ask me whatever you want. 🙂
In my last post I wrote that I don’t sleep with guys before I get to know them or on the first date. Later on I go on to say that I had given him a blowjob, and further, that I “began sleeping with all those men from the bar for a couple of months”.
I want to point out that that is not who I am.
I was not lying when I first said I don’t sleep with a guy on the first date or before I get to know them. It is no excuse, but as I stated in the post, after being raped three (3) times in such a short period of time, I didn’t feel I was good for much else and I went into a frenzy of depression and any spare moment I had to myself I was out partying, getting drunk, and sleeping with a different guy. It is not an excuse.
To put how worthless I felt in perspective let me tell you a few things about myself.
- I never went to parties while I was in high school or after high school, even though I was invited.
- I was a [clueless] virgin until I was 18 years old.
- I didn’t drink alcohol before I was 21 years old.
- My children’s father was the third (3rd) guy I had sex with.
- My children’s father raped me multiple times. He thought I wanted it even though I said no.
- I didn’t get into any sort of relationship after I left my ex for a year.
- The first serious relationship I got into, after my divorce, ended when he raped me and laughed at me afterward when I was crying and bleeding.
- He was the fourth (4th) guy I had ever had sex with.
- I attempted to date another guy three or so months later. I got to know him over several dates. He was the fifth (5th) guy I had sex with.
- He never spoke to me again after we had sex.
- Less than six months after the previous rape, I was [date] raped at my best friend’s belated birthday party.
- He was, if you count it, the sixth (6th) guy I had sex with.
- Afterward, I had sex with 10+ men in less than two months. Sometimes more than one at a time.
- And a couple women. I’m bisexual. I lean toward men.
- I stopped sleeping with multiple men (and women) when I met the guy I’m dating now.
- I truly went partying for the first time after the last [date] rape (with the 6th guy). That was, also, when I started going to to the bar every weekend.
- I didn’t stop partying and drinking for almost six more months; I was an alcoholic.
At the time the date-rape occurred, I was just getting my confidence back in myself and about ready to attempt to date seriously. I never would have slept with him because of my past. Most especially not until I heard what my best friend’s opinion on him was, a thorough opinion, and until I got to know him better. The rape essentially broke me and sent me spiralling into a depression and I tried to bury the memories of it in alcohol, erotic dancing, and more sex.
Do I regret what I did now? Yes. Was there anything I could have done to prevent it? Probably not.
I was one of the lucky ones. I didn’t contract an STD (sexually transmitted disease). I’ve been tested multiple times extensively, especially since I’ve been raped, and I’ve come up clear. Also, since I slept with so many men in so little time, most of the time without a condom, I was extremely lucky I didn’t get an STD.
It was the darkest point in my life. I ignored my children for a social life I shouldn’t have even had. It was a social life of people that wanted to party and get drunk all the time. I kept alcohol in my home, at least two kinds, at all times for several months. Whenever something happened, whenever my kids were gone, I would want to go out and dance and drink and party. There were even times when I knew my children would be gone and I knew I wouldn’t hear from my boyfriend so I went out and partied; my boyfriend didn’t approve of what I was doing and he was trying to get me to stop. I think he knew when I did anyway and didn’t tell me, he just continued to discourage me from doing it.
It’s because of him that I stopped drinking and partying constantly. If it wasn’t for him, I would probably still be in a very bad place.
Since him, though, I have not slept with anyone else, though I have had plenty of offers. (I became known as a bar slut, a reputation I am happy to be rid of.) Since my fiance, I’ve only gotten drunk a handful of times since I truly stopped partying and he was with me each time.
I’m happy now.
Though, I do wish I were able to go dancing more. Drunk or not, I like dancing. 😉
- Love & Friendship Prevails (moonbebi.wordpress.com)