Matters of the Heart

I need to write this. I need to get this out of my system before I explode.

First off, I’m over my ex-husband. I’m over him so thoroughly it’s crazy. That’s not what I’m concerned about. I’m concerned that one day I’m going to look at one of my children, particularly my oldest child who has my ex-husband’s eyes to a T, and hate them. Loathe them. Wish they were never born. I don’t want that now and just the thought of it possibly happening makes me sick to my stomach and want to cry.

But I know of people that it’s happened to. And it worries me to death. I think it’s a large part of what stresses me out and keeps me up at night.

I love my children. My oldest is in preschool and learning more and more everyday. All of them are so smart, wonderful, adorable, loveable… and while I may be horribly biased, I’m not the only one who thinks so. Especially the loveable part, though. All of them will just go up to someone and give them a hug, say “hi” and smile that heartwarming smile that they have.

I don’t understand how I could possibly come to abhor any of my children, but like I said… I know of other mothers who’ve began to dislike their children after a certain amount of time.

My own mother did it. I don’t want to take after her. I’m afraid that I will. I think that’s what scares me the most: becoming like my mother.

But it’s mind over matter, right? All a power of will?

Guess I need to work on my strength of the mind, heart, and soul. Or something like that.


Anticipation, Anxiety, & Grrrr

I’m tired; I’m out of energy; I’m nauseous and my breasts are sore. If I’m not pregnant, I want to know what the f*ck is wrong with my body because I never PMS (PreMenstrual Syndrome) symptoms like these. The most I have is a slightly sore lower back the day before I start my period and I don’t even HAVE that. So seriously… WTF?!

I’m not saying I am preggers. I’m not saying I am. The body can seriously play mind games and no matter how well I may know my body and even though I’ve been pregnant twice, it doesn’t matter. One, it’s been three years since my last pregnancy so being pregnant is a mere memory to me; I don’t remember every detail… obviously. Two, well, it’s been three years. My body’s changed since then, therefore symptoms and everything are bound to change. And I’m with a different man. I’ve heard that has something to do with it, but I’m honestly not sure.

That and I really just don’t want to get my hopes up in case I’m not preggers. Getting my hopes up and not being preggers REALLY sucks ass. I hate it. I’ve done that and it hurt. I didn’t like it, so I just try to stay neutral as much as possible. It’s hard, but I just… I just try. I try to remain, I don’t know, scientific, about it? I try to think of it logically? It’s hard to really say. Just that I try to not get emotionally attached to something that I don’t know is real or not. :-/

Le sigh.

Measles: What Do We Really Know?

I have some news for everyone out there who believes everything their doctors tell them with little to no question.

My oldest child, my son, has the measles. And he’s been vaccinated.


Two weeks ago, to the date, I took my son to the emergency room because he was coughing, lethargic, and had a fever all day. The last time I had checked his temperature it was over 101F. By the time we were at the hospital, my son’s temperature was over 102F. I had sent him to preschool on Wednesday, with what I thought was just a mild cough, thinking he would have Thursday, Friday, plus the weekend for it to go away (he only goes to school two days out of the week).

At the E.R. they diagnosed him with bronchiolitis and a severe double ear infection. Bronchiolitis, ok. That’s going around because it’s been dry recently, but the ear infections confused me because ever since he had ear tubes put in a couple of years ago he hasn’t had even one incidence of a ear infection. Until now.

Later on in the week, my other two children started getting sick and I had them seen by a doctor: bronchiolitis once more, but no ear infection in either of them.

As the days went on my oldest seemed like he was getting better. He was taking his medicines like he was supposed to and his cough was getting better and his temp was going down. Then, all of a sudden, it all got worse. Literally. Overnight from this past Saturday to Sunday it was like BOOM! His temperature  starting going up again and his cough and runny nose came back full force. To add to it all, he started developing a rash: first, on his face and [behind his] ears and quickly spreading to his arms, torso, legs, and back. I freaked out and took him to the emergency room. Again.

Wanna know what they told me? They said that he still had a touch of bronchiolitis and a severe double ear infection (STILL?!) but they had absolutely no idea what his rash was and to go see his pediatrician. (Mind you, this was on Sunday, so I couldn’t have taken him to the doctor yet.)

Over the past couple of days his rash has gotten redder and spread more, though I didn’t think it possible in the beginning. He’s been absolutely miserable itching and coughing, though it’s started to go away, thank goodness. The coughing, that is.

I was able to get him into his pediatrician and after consulting with me, asking me so many questions it was ridiculous, seeing the report from the emergency room, she decided to run a couple of tests of her own to see if my son has the measles.

She told me “It’s definitely viral. I think it’s the measles. If it’s not that, then Fifth’s Disease, but I doubt it.”

The test came back positive and my son has the measles. After he’s been vaccinated. Only once, mind you. But still.

How many of you that are reading this thought that it wasn’t possible to get the measles after even one vaccine? Guess what: it is.

My son’s pediatrician didn’t really say much about how or why he still got the measles even though he had gotten vaccinated, so I did a little digging.

On the Center for Disease Control website, it says:

Almost all children (95  out of 100) who get two doses of MMR vaccine will be protected from measles”.

With that said, and the obvious percentage given, what about the children who are too young to get the second dose of the MMR? What is their percentage of protection? Is it still ninety-five percent? Or is it lower because of only having one vaccination of MMR? They are willing to give out the percent of how many are protected after two doses of the MMR vaccine, but don’t offer the percent for after just one dose. It unnerves me greatly that we are not given any of this information, even though the statistics are so supposedly low for a child, teenager, or adult to get the measles after being vaccinated.

Did you know that in the year 2000 the measles was officially considered to be “eliminated” in the United States? Yes, it’s true! But, on average, each year at least 60 people catch the measles. Average. Meaning that there are years with more. This year, in particular, is the second largest outbreak of the measles since it was labeled with “eliminated” status in 2000, and they’re only counting from January 1 to August 24. The highest number goes to the year 2011 when over 200 people were diagnosed with the measles, several hospitalized.

Apparantely “eliminated” actually means “it’s almost gone”.

Measles –
Measles Vaccine Info –
Measles Outbreak Info –