Childlike: “The Toughest Question”

This small script is written for the Daily Prompt: Childlike. The description is to explain your biggest regret – as though to a small child.

Child: “Mommy? Why aren’t you and our real daddy still together?”

I look at my child with sad eyes. I knew this day would come, but in my heart of hearts I was hoping that it never would. How was I going to explain this to him?

Me: “What do you mean, sweetie?”

I have to play it cool, make sure I know what he’s talking about. I have to try and not upset my child that I love so dearly.

Child: “When we were little you left our really daddy, right? And took us with you, right, Mommy? Why? Didn’t you love him anymore?”

Oh my poor, poor, sweet child. This is going to be so much harder on you than I wanted it to be. I’m sorry.

Me: “It’s not that, honey. Your real daddy and I, we… well, we didn’t get along anymore. Your real Daddy was being really mean to Mommy and he wouldn’t stop hurting Mommy. He even almost hurt you and Mommy didn’t want that at all. But, you see, honey, nobody would believe Mommy for a really long time.”

I can see my child’s confusion and the scared look on his face. He’s trying to figure out what happened. There’s more coming from him… and from me. I’m not sure if I’m prepared enough for this yet, but I have to try. For my child.

Child: “My real daddy hurt you, Mommy? And he… he almost hurt me? But… but why?”

Because he’s a mean asshole who never really loved us or wanted us in the first place… but I can’t tell you all of that.

Me: “I don’t know, honey. I really don’t know. I’m not sure if your real daddy ever really wanted us in the first place, sometimes.”

My little child looks so hurt right now. I wish it weren’t so, but I don’t want to lie to him. I know that I’m softening the truth and that’s almost as good as lying, but isn’t it better that he be prepared for the future?

Child: “R… really? B… but… Mommy?”

Oh, my baby. He’s about to cry. I never wanted to hurt you so.

Me: “Yes, honey?”

Child: “Do you still love me?”

I think I might cry. How could I ever have let him think I didn’t love him?

Me: “Yes, baby, I do love you and I always will. It’s your real daddy that I don’t love.”

I pull him onto my lap, hugging him tightly as tears threaten to spill over onto my cheeks. I don’t ever want him to doubt my love for him again. For him or his siblings.

My child looks up to me from the tight embrace; something has occurred to him again. I just smile softly down at him and nod, wordlessly telling him he can ask whatever he wants, no matter how painful it is.

Child: “If you don’t love our real daddy, how can you love us?”

I grab him and wrap my arms around him tightly. Tears start running down my cheeks; I can no longer hold them back. Oh, my poor, sweet child, how I love you. Please, please, please hear the truth in my words, feel them in my touch, in my embrace. I love you and your siblings… always and forever.

Me: “Oh, honey. I love you. I love your siblings and I always will. I… it’s just, I’m not sure if I ever really, truly loved your real daddy. So you see, sweetie, my love for you and your siblings has nothing to do with your real daddy. I love you all because you’re my babies and that will never change. I love you forever and always no matter what.”

Child: “I love you too, Mommy.”

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Li’l Bit of Nothing

Life seems unreal sometimes. I have an idea where I’m going; I have an idea of what I want to do with my life other than be a mother, but then these thoughts pop in my head and I stop.

Where am I going to be at this time next year, in two – three years? Five years? What am I going to do if something happens to one of my children? What am I going to do if the courts rule that my children should go and live with their biological father? Or what if something happens to me?

I try to expect the unexpected. I try to plan for the unexpected, but that normally doesn’t work out. Who knows to expect everything? Even paranoid people don’t expect everything.

I guess I’m close to paranoid too, though. I worry about everything. Mostly for my children. I want the best for them, I do. But then things in my mind blur together and I don’t know where my thoughts are going.

Everything is “what if” and “how am I” and it makes my anxiety climbs higher and higher.

It’s why I write here. Why I write so much. To get my thoughts out of my head and, hopefully, to calm down my anxiety a bit.

It works most of the time. 🙂

Rules of the Universe? Ooo-k.

I read somewhere, don’t ask me where, that if you say something out loud or think it “too loudly” then it would happen. Somewhere along the line I started believing it and living by it.

When I don’t want something to happen, I won’t believe it, or fully believe it. If I speak of it, even if in my heart of hearts I truly believe something is or isn’t going to happen, I will talk as if there is an extreme likelihood of the opposite happening. I even guard my thoughts and try to just not think about what is or isn’t going to happen so nothing will go wrong.

I know life isn’t perfect, but really? I sound like I’ve gone superstitious (which I’ve never been).

Here’s the kicker though: it’s working and I don’t have an explanation.

I’m not avoiding any situation really; I know it’s there and I fully embrace it and prepare for it. I know every option.

God? It’s not that I don’t believe in God because I do, but, well, I’m not going to get into that argument online.

Karma? The whole “what goes around comes around” thing? I’m not so sure. Maybe, but it still doesn’t quite fit.

At this point, I’ve started calling what’s going on a part of the Rules of the Universebecause I have nothing better to either call it or describe it.

* * *

It’s a work in progress.

Ramble. Rant. Confusion. WTF?!

Have you ever felt like something was happening around you and you could feel it, but you weren’t sure what it was? I have; I do right now.

It’s odd. It’s like I can almost tell what it is, but when I get close to what it is, something throws me off and then I feel like I’m just standing there, confused. It’s horrible. At times I feel like it has something to do with my ex-husband and the pending court case. I think that he’s planning something and that everything I see or hear about him is just some small piece of a bigger puzzle that he’s putting together; almost like he’s trying to get me to believe certain things with lies and manipulation through other people, by making me too comfortable with how things are going in my life now and then everything will just… explode…. around me.

I know I sound paranoid, but I like I said before, after I start thinking like that and “putting my ideas together” so to speak, something throws me off.

Then I start thinking about moving and renting places. About how my fiance said the other night that he’s getting fed up with people not believing that we have the money or judging us on the fact that he’s a full-time student and not taking his student-loan money as if they’ve never dealt with college students before even though we live in a college area. He said that if we didn’t get this place, or a place in general soon, then he was just going to move to a different place that was cheaper (different from the one he has) that allows his dog and is a one-bedroom.

I hate it because I feel like the world is turning against me. Against me and my children. Against me and my fiance.

And then I feel even worse because I feel like my family just hates me because they never talk to me even though I try to make efforts with them. My mother and my uncle try the best that they can, though they have even better excuses for not being able to than the rest.

The family I’m talking about lives excruciatingly close and only talks to people they feel like, it seems, and favor certain people (aka: certain family members), are major hypocrites and like to talk behind peoples back, exaggerate, and/or lie. I know this, but then again, I don’t. I hate it because I love my family and I don’t want to dislike my family, but it seems like they don’t care about me anyway.

I told one of my family members today that there’s a probability of me moving a decent amount away. She looked at me like I was crazy, like she didn’t expect me to ever do something like that. Seriously? What’s keeping me where I am? Family? I can come visit. Friends? What friends? I have no life. I would have more of a life where I’m hoping to move (though I will say that I’m not too hopeful, unfortunately, so yeah).

My life is just crazy, hectic and out of control. I don’t know what’s happening and yet I know exactly what’s going on. It’s a chaotic mess that, ironically, I know where everything’s at.

I’m too young for a mid-life crisis. Gah. :-/

“Besides in the meantime I’m just dreaming of tearing you apart”

Written for the Daily Prompt: Can’t Drive 55: Take the third line of the last song you heard, make it your post title, and write for a maximum of 15 minutes. Song that I used: “My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark” by Fall Out Boy.

I have weird dreams at night and as much as I’d like to admit it, being a soon-to-be married woman and all, I dream about someone I used to love. No, not my ex-husband. I don’t think I ever really loved him, which is sad.

The person I dream about is someone I consider my first love.

I’ve heard the saying that you “never really get over your first love” and I hate it because I think it’s true.

Over the years I convinced myself that I was over him, that I didn’t “love” him anymore and that I could move on. He had rejected me out right – twice, mind you – and even though he did that, he was still one of the nicest people I’d ever met, and until we were seperated in high school by social cliques, one of my closest friends. It didn’t help that I’d moved away for a certain amount of time.

That’s besides the point.

Late last year someone told me he was back in town. He had left after high school, going out of state for college and all that. Apparently he came back and was now a deputy in the Sheriff’s Department in our small rural town.

Despite being a mother of three full-time right now, back when I was told that, I only had my children four days a week because of a temporary court order. I went out and got shit-faced drunk. I was a mess. My fiance was at work (he worked overnights then), so he couldn’t control me. After I had gotten back home from the bar from the bouncer, I decided that I it was a good idea to walk back to the bar because “I had forgotten something”; though in the back of my mind I remember hearing somebody say that my “first love” worked those hours and I was just trying to get ahold of him. Of course, the bar was closed, I had no ride home and was too drunk to walk myself back home even though I lived only a few blocks away.

How I even made it to the bar – and then acrossed the highway! – I will never know. Especially safely.

There was a lady across the street at a local business and she let me call the sheriff’s department to come and take me home. When I got in the car with the cop, I asked if I could call my “first love”. Didn’t quite work. He let me call my aunt though! Gah. So embarassing.

Besides that, though, I saw him in March. And this is what messes me up.

I was coming out of the grocery store and he was walking past, to the entrance. He just stared at me. Like “turn head as walk by then turn around and keep staring”. Like you see in movies? He did that. No lie. It completely baffled me. And made my heart race. And it hard to breathe. And my face turn red.

I flipped the f*ck out.

I have no idea why either.

My fiance was with me and he asked what was going on with me. I told him and said not to worry. He got quiet, then looked at me and said “I think I do have to worry about him if I want to keep you.”

It nearly broke my heart.

Ever since then I’ve dreamed of my “first love” more than I ever have and it’s driving me insane. I love my fiance, I do! But I can’t get this other guy out of my head!!!! And it’s always in a romantic situation. Why, oh, why must this happen to me?!