Work, Write, Love

There are so many things wrong right now. It’s ridiculous. I’m thinking too much and everything is driving me crazy. I think I’m getting slightly depressed because I’m stuck inside all the time recently because of the weather, with all of this cold and snow that’s been coming through everywhere here in the eastern United States. I guess it doesn’t make anything better when my fiance is working overtime because one of his co-workers is so badly injured that he isn’t able to work for the next two (2) months, so him and his other co-workers are putting in an exponential amount of extra hours to cover for him. This week, alone, he’s worked over sixty (60) hours. While, yes, the paycheck’s going to be lovely and both of us are looking forward to it… I miss him. I miss him a lot and I don’t get to spend enough time with him. We used to spend more time with each other. Hell, when my aunt was living with us we saw more of each other then, than we do now and we had severe privacy issues back then!

But all of this is just me ranting and raving. I need to get it out of my system. I have nobody – absolutely no one – to talk to about all of this.

I don’t have any close friends. I don’t really trust my family with personal information any more. It’s come to the point that the therapist who stops by bi-weekly to help with my child in his development (he’s a little behind, y’see) is easier to talk to than anybody else… except, of course, my fiance. But then it comes down to the fact that he’s never here and when he is, he seems to be sleeping because he’s so worn out from working. We never talk anymore. We never spend time with each other. We don’t even have money for a single Valentine’s Day dinner, I’ve come to find out.

I’m trying to figure out his schedule so that maybe I can arrange my mother and stepfather to babysit the children for a night or two so that my fiance and I can just have a night to ourselves and we can just, I don’t know, go out. Spend time with each other. See a movie. Have dinner. Go to a bar. Just have fun with each other. It’s not a big deal. The whole point, nonetheless, being is that we just need to spend time with each other. Without the children. Every couple does.

I feel like I’m losing him. And maybe it’s just me. I know I get paranoid sometimes and I definitely know that I have a tendency to overthink things, but it seems like my fiance and I have been growing distant from each other as of late and I don’t like it. Not one bit.

I know he loves me though. I need to stop being paranoid. The signs are there that he loves me. I’m letting too many things build up inside of me. Little things. Reminders from my past; things that people have said to me that are starting to get to me. It’s unfair and I don’t like it. I know what he’s really like. But again, that’s the problem. The little things that are wiggling their way into my mind are making me doubt stuff like that and, in my mind, if I really love my fiance I shouldn’t ever doubt him. I know that nobody is perfect; I know that no relationship is perfect, but I can’t help but continually wonder if something’s going wrong or if… just if.

I’ve wandered into “what if” categories. I really don’t think that’s a good sign.

A good sign, though, I think, is that he is the one person (not including my children) that I can’t picture myself without. I think and think and think, and then it occurs to me that we already act like we’re married. We share bills, rent, a home, chores, cooking (though, I will admit he does the majority when he’s not working); we share decisions and we compromise. We actually talk about where we’re heading in the future – where we want to go, in the sense of “when we finally get a house of our own and not this place, we’ll…” or “when we’re more financially stable we’ll take a trip to *example place* with the kids… they’d love it”. It makes my heart just grow and burst with such warmth. I feel like squealing and crying from happiness sometimes.

And, y’know, I guess it’s also probably a really good sign that when I’m reading my romance novels or watching my romantic-comedies (*cough* chick-flicks), or any sort of movie or book that has a significant amount of romance in it, I picture the leading female as myself and the leading male as my fiance. Especially once they start dating; especially if it’s starting to get more romantic. The thing is, though, it doesn’t have to be the “more romantic” parts. I have a wild imagination, and if I can picture my fiance and I doing something similar – then we’re in whatever book or movie I’m watching or reading at the time.

I love him and I’m in love with him. I’m not convincing myself of this. I’ve known it for about a year and a half now. My feelings have not faded; they’ve only grown stronger. I guess, though, I didn’t anticipate all of the other emotions – the stress, anxiety – that would come with it.

But he makes me feel beautiful. He makes me feel whole. He makes me feel complete. With him, I am me and no one else. I don’t have to be. He feel in love with me at my worst and has helped me pick up the pieces. I truly believe he loves me for who I am. It’s just hard to believe sometimes. It’s a scary thought… to have found somebody so completely right for me that they’re willing to accept all of my fuck-ups & help me through my rough patches. It’s hard to comprehend to have found somebody who loves me even if my family is so against the relationship, or just completely horrible in their own right but he still loves me because, well, because my family does not define me. My family is not who I am. Just because I am related to them by blood does not always mean they are my family.

And he accepts me. And he loves me. And he loves my children.

That’s all that matters.

Fuck the world. We don’t need anyone else. Nobody else’s opinion matters.

Just ours.

Things Are Coming Along. :)

WOOT!

I made it past 7000 words overall with my NaNoWriMo novel! I wrote over 2000 words tonight! That’s a new record for me! It’s craziness! I have to say, the @NaNoWordSprints on Twitter really help motivate me because, even though they give the option of using a prompt, I almost never do I just use the times they give to help motivate myself into thinking “you have to write /this much/ in /this amount/ of time”. I don’t know why it helps me so much, but I think if I had been doing this every year I would have finished my novels, or would have gotten much farther in them. I can’t wait to see where my novel leads. (Even though, y’know, I have it plotted out….)

But I’m just rambling. Lol!

In another update: I exercised for over an hour today and NOT just on DDR, thank you very much. ;P Lol! I tried very hard to stick to my diet today, but it was very hard. Cause, y’see, today was my fiance’s birthday and we had to celebrate a little bit. So we had cake and ice cream. And pop. But only two glasses of pop! (It was Dr. Pepper.) And I only had one piece of cake. So I didn’t do too horribly bad, but I’m probably going to need to exercise a bit extra tomorrow.

Oh! Something is happening that hasn’t happening in MONTHS. My mom has agreed to take my kids for the weekend – as in, Friday through Sunday. I’m dropping them off tomorrow afternoon with the instructions: no sweets, keep the youngest two seperated at night and they’ll sleep fine, and they get a cough at night. Then I’m probably going to go run off and be merry. And sleep a lot.

This is, by all means, my vacation weekend. And yes, I know that sounds bad because my kids are gone. But did you know that studies have been done and have shown that a couple with kids needs to have at least 1-2 days per month away from their children for personal/private time whether it’s with each other or not. If you  don’t then stress gets too high and things turn ugly. Apparently everybody in my household has super patience and self-control because nothing has happened since around May-June. ^^;;

But now, I must retire to bed. I am super tired. And slightly slap-happy. Hehe.

Working Toward My Goals – YES!

So I’m proud to annouce that I have successfully reached over 5000 words on my NaNoWriMo novel as of 12:15am, thank you very much! Lol! It excites me to no end to see the fast pace that I’ve been writing. I wrote over 200 words in less than 5 minutes! That’s seriously a record for me. I normally have to stop and think and rethink and I just go crazy! It’s completely insane. I’m happy with how things are going, even if I’m way behind the “set pace” for NaNoWriMo.

And today I found out that DDR is a very good way to exercise. Anybody who doesn’t know what DDR is, is crazy. Anybody who DOES know what it is, is completely friggin awesome in my book. My fiance has it for, get this, PLAYSTATION 2!!! Yeah. Kinda crazy. It’s a relatively old system, especially since we have a Wii, too. We’re just nutso like that. 😉

But we played DDR (we have 3-4 versions of it for the PS2) for around 2 hours and we seriously broke a sweat. I have weak ankles, so I had issues with the jumps, but it was super fun! I love it! I love the music and the challenge and just the overall-ness of it. I used to play DDR when they had it in the arcade at my local mall. That was before I had my oldest child… several years ago… and when I was in high school. (I had my first child the year after I was supposed to graduate.)

But, my fiance is being a butthole and telling me I need to get to sleep (which I do), so I need to get off the computer and go to bed. Le sigh. Maybe I can convince him to play DDR again? Since, y’know, the TV is in our room…. hehe…..

An Apology

It seems that that life just likes to hit me all at once. It really, really does.

First of all, even though I’m posting this on the Internet most of you have probably noticed that I’m trying to remain at least a little bit anonymous, correct? If you haven’t then I guess I just informed you.

It’s like this, though. I’m trying to remain somewhat anonymous for a reason. No, I’m not on the run. No, I haven’t done anything against the law. I’m really not a bad person at all, at least, I think so. Though, I really don’t have anything to hide. Anything, that is, except for certain feelings toward certain people. And I hate it. It’s so stressful.

That’s why I rant on here.

It’s weird, though. I’ve tried to just keep a sort of “digital journal”, not on the Internet, and I completely didn’t keep up with it. Something about posting it online motivates me to keep writing and I don’t know what it is.

But that’s not what I was getting at before either.

I want to stay anonymous in case someone that I happen to write about reads this blog and is offended by something in it. Or, y’know, thinks along the lines of “If that was me they were talking about, I’d be offended”.

I don’t want to offended anybody. That’s part of the reason that I’m ranting on here: so that I don’t actually say anything to anyone. I love my family; I love my friends, and I would never ever want to hurt them in any way, shape, or form.

But I have.

Someone in my family found my blog and read the post I wrote before this and, unfortunately, it had something written about her in it. It wasn’t meant for her eyes. Ever. But she called me crying the next morning after talking to another member of my family. I was painted the bad guy.

So here it is, in case she reads this: I’M SORRY.

I told her over and over again, but I’m not sure that she listened to me or that she understood what I was saying. She was upset and angry. I can understand that, but I honestly don’t think that she was able to see from my point-of-view.

Nothing that I’m writing on here was meant for her eyes. Or any of my family’s. Or friend’s. Or acquaintances. Anybody.

I know that I rant on here and I’m not going to apologize for doing so, but it’s not something that I attempt to do constantly either. I’m not constantly angry at somebody or something. Most of the time it’s worry or paranoia or some sort of confusion. Most of the time it’s me trying to sort out my feelings so that I can understand myself better.

So no, I’m not going to reveal who I am. Not now, not ever. I’m never going to lie either, though. Why should I? This is my outlet and lying will only hinder me.

And so, I will write.

***

Li’l Bit of Nothing

Life seems unreal sometimes. I have an idea where I’m going; I have an idea of what I want to do with my life other than be a mother, but then these thoughts pop in my head and I stop.

Where am I going to be at this time next year, in two – three years? Five years? What am I going to do if something happens to one of my children? What am I going to do if the courts rule that my children should go and live with their biological father? Or what if something happens to me?

I try to expect the unexpected. I try to plan for the unexpected, but that normally doesn’t work out. Who knows to expect everything? Even paranoid people don’t expect everything.

I guess I’m close to paranoid too, though. I worry about everything. Mostly for my children. I want the best for them, I do. But then things in my mind blur together and I don’t know where my thoughts are going.

Everything is “what if” and “how am I” and it makes my anxiety climbs higher and higher.

It’s why I write here. Why I write so much. To get my thoughts out of my head and, hopefully, to calm down my anxiety a bit.

It works most of the time. 🙂

More Than Just Blogging

Hey, all who read this! What’s up?

This is a friendly update to let you know:

Oh yeah, I write more things than what I write on this blog. Did I forget to mention that?

Of course, everybody who’s read the “About” section of my blog probably knows that already. Along with this blog I write poems, short stories, and am working on various novels and novellas. I do have two poems in print, and they won first and second prizes in widespread contests, but that was at least five years ago. It’s harder now, at least it seems like it.

I’m not big on posting my writings on the Internet, but I found a site that I’m willing to do so. Earlier in the month I posted the link in the upper right corner: deviantART is the name of the site.

But that’s not necessarily what I meant either.

Sure, that’s the majority of what I meant, but not the full story so to speak.

I thnk I’ve mentioned this before, but I when I write, I write with meaning. Sure, it doesn’t always seem so and I know for a fact that sometimes I rant, but can you honestly say that at some point in time you haven’t learned from someone else’s mistake? Or that you’ve never read something someone wrote and it just clicked with you, even though it was one of the most random things you’ve ever read?

That’s what I do.

I try to write about things I know; I will never write otherwise. To me, that’s like lying. Why would you write about something if it wasn’t dear to your heart or affected you in some way?

I’ve written about the measles; it was an informative article, sort of, but it also told you why I was writing it. I wrote that article because my son had contracted it because even though he’d been vaccinated. Did you know that now there’s articles going up about “anti-vaccination protests” and “parents for vaccines not speaking up”? It’s a contradiction, but a story for another post.

I’ve written about government programs and income problems; I’ve written about moving and renting houses. I’ve done before and after articles as I try to work out where I went wrong.

Can you tell me that if you were going through the same problems and saw the articles that it wouldn’t have helped you in some way?

It’s all in the way that you look at it.

Write. Read. Help. Inspire. Realize. Hope.

There’s more to writing than just words.

deviantART – KCmoonchild’s page