Baby Blues

Well, it’s official. I’m not pregnant.

I mean, I guess I shouldn’t have freaked out & just listened to the ten (10) or so negative pregnancy tests that I took like a normal person, but I’m slightly stubborn & refused to believe them, especially when I was showing multiple symptoms and, y’know, I was over a week late for my oh-so-lovely monthly visitor.

Then, y’know, almost make it to two (2) weeks late & BOOM! My monthly visitor appears. Not my happy place.

And, of course, I stopped my period 3-4 days after I started which is even more ridiculous and helps even less because I normally go for 7-8 days. Gah. So frustrated.

And since I was so friggin late, I have absolutely no freaking idea how to calculate my ovulation cycle for this month! Not even close! Jeez!

Because, y’know, my fiance, and I are trying to conceive (TTC). We really do want a baby.

And it may sound odd to some people because we’re still not married – that we’re just engaged – but that’s not the most important thing to us. We are fully committed to each other; that’s been proven time and time again, believe it or not. We’ve been together for what seems like forever and we just, well, we just click.

We may seem crazy because there’s already three children running around the house driving us nuts, but that’s beside the point. The oldest is in school and the twins are both starting school this fall. Already. I’m a stay-at-home Mom; I will be home by myself with nothing to do. Yeah, this is the point where I should go out and get a job, right? Get off my lazy bum and help support the family, right? Except that I have to have a doctor’s approval to work or drive. I have neither and I don’t expect to get it within the next year, which sucks hardcore. I’m probably one of the few people who complain that they can’t work. I constantly complain about not being able to drive, though.

But that’s not all of it, either.

My fiance is nearly fifteen (15) years older than me – not quite, but close – and he has no children of his own, whereas I have three. He wants a child that has his blood flowing through him or her. He wants to be able to see his child, his blood-child, grow up. He’s a wonderful father to my three & he treats them like his own. My children love him & accept him. They call him “Papa” – what, with not seeing their biological father in several months, almost a year, though I try over and over again to get them to call him by his first name it doesn’t work. Lol!

That’s not what I’m not worried about, though… about him mistreating my kids in any way. Definitely not worried about that. And, no, I don’t think he’s with me just to have a child. He’s been married before. There were no children derived from that relationship. I don’t know the exact circumstances – there was talk of his ex only wanting adoption or being infertile and I know they tried, but I don’t know anything for sure. I just have information second-hand.

But I do want a child with him. I love him. I want to be the Mother of his Children. So, y’see… it’s not just about wanting a baby for either of us. (And I’m sure he’s not telling me every single bit of what he thinks, but I know most even if I don’t share it on here.) It’s so so much more. It’s because it’s him that I want a baby. If it wasn’t him, I wouldn’t have stopped my birth control; I wouldn’t be trying to get pregnant.

There’s… there’s a big difference, I guess, that not a lot of people understand until they experience it. I love this man with all of my being, with everything that I am and everything that I will be and nothing can stop that. I want what he wants and he wants what I want. He has made me who I am today. I am a stronger person. I am more confident, more self-assured.

I feel complete.

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